Dear Deja-Vu!

Massachusetts, It is good to see you again. And this time, I had a lot of fun and great time with my new girlfriends with a whole new experience. If only you realized that you were the point where my life have changed forever 6 years back. I bet you won't believe your eyes that I come back as a new brave, strong, proud and confident woman.

It has been quite a while...

... and it has been the moments of discovery that leave me gawking at how little I am in this world that is at once unfamiliar, big and scary and magnificent. I want to be who I used to be. That brave girl who is rabbit-headed and dragon-hearted in the face of uncertainty. I want to bet against the odds and to believe that there is more magic than fear in the unknown. I want to prove no one but myself. Above all, I want two hands to shape my dreams (our dreams) and two feet to take me there. Knowing that I've already grabbed by the waist by the most important and solid person in my life, I should fear no more. I know I'm not losing my way when I am with you. 

Goodbye, unlikely lover!

It’s been a long but good run, me and you. We have so much in common. I can't believe I would find solace in your wild, crazy embrace, even though you’re where I came from after more than two decades together.

This is a question of conquest. In any case, the reason I came out was to see the world and find myself in you and to move on so that I can find my better me. In the end, I think I at once saw more and less than I thought I would. Because of you, I have learned enough to go on with my life. Well, I know you too well and now we have a lifetime history together, you and I, a pair of unlikely lovers or unlikely mother, or whatever.

Let’s spare ourselves the melodrama, but I want to make the promises that I might be able to keep, even though we’re both too aware that there is no space in your embrace for fairy tales, and I’m too much of a cynic.

So anyway, this is me saying I’m leaving for good, for my fairy tales, for my true and lifetime lover though I know it make no difference to you. But I will miss you, you crazy country, crazy city. I can’t help it. I’m sentimental that way. Just do me one last favor and hold on to the bit of me that I’m leaving behind because I have a feeling I’ll be back to you someday. At least, you're where my heart is.

On Faith

Taken at Bousra Waterfall, Mondolkiri.

They say anything is possible if you have enough faith. Is it really so simple? If someone does something successfully, we say, 'look how much faith they had.' If someone tries and fails, we say, 'they did not have enough faith.' But I believe faith alone is merely one vital ingredient in a larger recipe. Along with faith there must be vision. With vision there must be imagination. With imagination we need intelligence. With intelligence there must be accurate information. When you have it all, use it well and you may yet find (almost) anything IS possible!

I'm working on it myself!

Draw me the warm sunlight; sketch me the chilly breeze and paint my world in shade of fall.

I won't deny that I wish to have an autumn views here in Cambodia.

Khaer KADEK Tleark Kjol (Autumn Season) has rolled around for few days already, but I don't feel a slight chill of the breeze. I guess we can't feel it this early but in a week or so. Do you think autumn is a great excuse to get warm and cozy and especially being lazy in this miserable chill? I pretty much do. But usually I don't find myself being lazy during this season thought, but more productive. I think during autumn here, people are being more active than ever. It's a marriage season after all. So Ah hah, you see my point. They gotta run around checking those things off their to-do-list.

We can't expect much from autumn here though, except wedding invitations. Lolz. And I got 3 already. You can't see those beautiful views in hazel nuts or earth muddy or vibrant or warm beige or neutral color here, but there are times I saw some falling leaves on the ground and they took my breathe away.

So ladies – Yeay Yeay circle, I expect another Saturday cozy catch up in the yard of coffee shop, when we feel the chill touch us. What do you think? And this time I promise to bring my knitting stuffs along. Haha.

You painted me a perfect day.

A perfect mug of delicious drink.

A great lines from a book you can't quite put down.

A sunset that completely and extremely take your breath away.

A moon and a hundred stars in the sky that you can't get enough of gazing at.

A field of grass that you die to lie down and just lie down.

A song from long ago that carries the memory of good times.

An email from a beloved asking, "Hello, how are you and how was your day?"

A sweet, sweet, sweet notes and surprises that pretty much makes you go head over heals in love with.

A man who loves you, who's really pretty amazing and whom you love and adore with all your heart.

All the awesome reasons why it's good to be alive, to be loved and to love.

Dreary October

I was anxious not to get things go, but then I tried to do.

I was anxious to be understood but I tried hard not to resent those who don't.

I was anxious for things to go my way when I wanted them to, but I took a breath and a big step back and tried to seek patience instead.

I was anxious to be loved unconditionally but I tried not to let that stop me from loving others and hard.

I was/am anxious to be happy with who I am, right here, right now, but I tried/try to give myself a break and just be happy.

That's what I've been trying. hard.



Now I'm aiming to set my eyes on my going-to-be everyday in the near future on taking in the moments and then letting them go; on forming few attachments, except to the ones who rock my world; on being thankful at the end of each day that I'd make it through and have enough leftover to live.

This October is going to be the most depressive and dreary month that I'm going to remember. Because I can't keep promise to myself to this post anymore.

Let's end it all here. October.
Say hello to my new chapter in the fresh November, which I wonder what it's going to have in store, especially without a single plan and goal at all.

I just need some inspiration

At the moment, I am craving that inward inspiration that gets me to just breathe and just be.

Taken from Eating Animal, Jonathan Safran Foer.

It’s been a while.

Of late, I have been restless and my hands, like a pair of conspiratorial malcontents, fidgety with dissatisfaction with... what? Maybe it’s the constant waiting and waiting for a whole bunch of things to happen.

I miss the feeling of certainty, of being anchored in something solid; I miss knowing. I miss being sure of where I’m supposed to be... I miss believing in the possibility of dreams. I miss taking pleasure in simple things. I miss looking in the mirror and not feeling like a stranger.

a beautiful quote for today...

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

— Bob Marley

when i become a mommy....

When I become a mommy to a little girl, I’ll tied her hair up with a crochet flower hairpin, dress her in a short flower swirly skirt with a white cotton spaghetti strap blouse and a pair of ballerina shoes, then we’ll go on road trip to find out why birds live in trees, butterflies can fly and what makes blue skies blue.

And when I become a mommy to a little boy, I'll dress him in a knee-length khaki jean with a white T-shirts, a pair of sneakers and a cap, then we'll go on adventure to find out why the mountains are high, the lakes are wide and what makes blue oceans blue.

that's what storm is all about.

Taken on the way from PS to BTB, where you can always see the wide opened bluest

and blackest sky with masses of floating clouds.

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you.

So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

— Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

Old & Grey & in love.

Mr.&Ms. Opal & Amethyst Love.

Well, don't you want to be mine? I mean, to be one of them???
Stay calm and become my toys! I've never owned a Human Toy. Be mine, plz!!
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Taken when I tucked them in and sing a good night song. lolz

Every moment I look at my new toys, 'Aging' & 'Future' & ‘Forever’ are on my dictionary of the day. Besides continue eating everything that life put in my plate, best or worst, I try to consume more supplements that I think it is the best nutrition for nurturing my faith.

Because one day, even the young will be old. Those children, playing so happily in the park, will be the elderly men and women who sit on the bench watching another generation ride those swings. I wonder on what I want to take with me into the future and what I can preserve from the present and the past. If I can take my faith along with me, my hope, my tolerance, and my belief in the better side of human nature... perhaps, I can ensure that the most important part of me never ages.

So let's fill our heart with LIGHT and LOVE.

And... let's get married, singletons! lolz jkd.

The remain of the day.

Maybe it's beyond what you expect.
The impossible expectation you yearn for after a long tiring day.




I've finally traveled 24 provinces and I'm proud of it.

During my travels, I fell in love often with countryside, esp. BTB where I could see beautiful clouds move back and forth; PL where you could never tired to enjoy the bluest sky on the summer day; MDKR where you can find the most greenest place for a better escape; RTNKR where you can see the most beautiful stars, and sky; KCG, the most peaceful place I once I think might end up there at my very old age... etc.

And maybe there's one noisiest, muddiest, and stressful place where you chase your life for life, but then, and the end of the day, if you could find something less stressful, but yet beautiful and romantic, that would be the best warming moment of the days. Like a quote from a book below:

"Beyond the wall that marked the end of the terrace, I could see for miles around the windows and back yards of the neighboring properties. A lot of the windows were lit, and the ones in the distance, if you narrowed your eyes, looked almost like an extension of the stars. This roof terrace wasn't large, but there was definitely something romantic about it. You could imagine a couple, in the midst of busy city lives, coming out here on a warm evening and strolling around the potted shrubs, in each other's arms, swapping stories about their day."

I particularly like the last line.

And for some reason, I'm stricken by this picture. It's taken on the 32th floor of Canadia Tower. I've never seen something like on the day time with my naked eyes, except the last 3 years I was on the plane. But it's definitely something else I utterly fell about it. Because I see it with a feeling. Because right now, it gives me a glimpse to remind me how life eat me up from the inside with my everyday stress and strain.

Last 3 years, it was the beginning, it's hard to see everything with my true feeling.
And today, I have plenty of times to be torn in between, to shout, to scream out loud and to tell what I've been feeling and how my days look like.

And that's SUCK!

M-Mum.

It's May. And it's Mother's Day. Soon. Time for present. At least, something to make the day for our beloved people. Like, this is my motto now, when you come from a trip, don't forget a little gift. At least, to me. Because maybe I've grown up receiving those from Uncle & Dad. And at this age, I feel like I'm following their footsteps.

So speaking of which, there's something I think it's really cute about it. From the very since, Dad always gets mum a make up kit, which I think why doesn't he just get her a lipstick instead? Because mum doesn't wear make up, except lipstick! Mum never get the reason why he always get her that, though how much he doesn't like when women with a make-up on.



Well, I got presents from mum and mum-to-be bestie.

Happy Mother's Day.
And this blow-your-soul-away song, which is written by Rachel Aldous*, is for my mum & mum-to-be bestie, as well as mothers in the world who loves their children unconditionally.

I’m imperfect but I perfectly love you.
I love you dearly and Happy Mother's Day.




*See Rachel Aldous heart-felt interview here and below is the song called, 'A Mother's Prayer'.

I smile and shake my head, well we all write our own endings and we all have our own scars, but tonight I think I see what it's all about.

And I'm not gonna write it down. I'm saving them in my head.

Below is just some craps I want to get it off a little bit, which there are two things I'm really obsessed about:

1- Marriage & Pregnancy & Babies. I'm incredibly obsessed with it. Not because I want to get married, but I want to feel how it is to have a small living creature inside my tummy and how it is and how stress it is to be a master of everything with the new life. I want a change, really. I'm dying to experience it. Esp, when working on a new project related to it, I'm all for it. Anyway, so how to have baby without getting marriage? Single mom, i mean? Which is very INSANE, I know.

2- Health. Be aware of your well-being. Seek balance. We can't do anything without having a good health and I just realized it's very, very, and very important. So take a good care of yourself. Do regular check-up. Disease is everywhere and Stress is the worst of all in this new generation which lead to other illness. So, don't overwork yourself. Limit. Less ambition. Be Content. It's not fun when you're sick.

Anyway.

Homecoming by Vienna Teng.

This girl is really something. Epic.
After a long tiresome day, her songs calm my nerves.
And I'm feeling this beautiful song.

I just want to
be living as I'm dying
just like everybody here
just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment every mile

I like myself better when I'm with you.

Fried vermicelli + Choco cookies + Sesame Milk + Modern Family = EXCEPTIONORDINARILY GREAT!

Modern family was the best treat for my holidays (finally, I could make time to watch it). Well, to be exact, the best ending treat. I love it more than The Simpsons. But watching Modern family, I've gone through some thoughts, though it cracked me up so hard to catch my breath.

I happened to think how imperfect every family is. So does mine. I'm sure everyone has stories to tell. Best and Worst. Well, I think maybe we don't treat each other perfectly, but we love each other wholeheartedly. And I believe, like the wise old said, The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If you have your own family, treat and shape them the best. Never neglect. Never Violent. Never Silent. I'm going to make mine the best I can be proud of. Esp, my kids. :D:D:D

Oh again, Modern family is truly the best. Laugh but then you learn something from it and you appreciate your family more than ever.

And I'm so relaxing and so addicted with this meaningful song:
HARBOR by Vienna Teng.

Sail your sea
Meet your storm
All I want is to be your harbor
The light in me
Will guide you home
All I want is to be your harbor

Too many things I haven’t done yet, too many sunsets, I haven’t seen.

Nonetheless, I’m blessed to experience those things, those romantic times, those sunsets, those sun lights. And they were beautiful and warmed up my soul. I want more. I want it forever. I want it with you, my future for life who, well, umm, I haven’t met. LOL.









Those beautiful things are:

- Night and Early morning silence, except the sound of bugs here and there.

- Yawns, yawns and yawns I lazily made each morning.

- Cold breeze I felt when I woke up.

- Soft light made its way through the pinhole of the wooden room to warm up the cold and to let us know, it’s time to get up.

- Rain and dew on the grass. I thought if water was cocktails, and I was the grass, I’d be sooo drunk and died to heaven right there.

- Weird feeling while walking with my bare feet on the wet morning grass and smelt the flowers. Oh, glistering with joy, except it itched me a little after walking back and forth for too long.

- Ooohh and aaahh with those beautiful creatures. Flowers and natures. The birds and the bees. The dragonflies and the butterflies. The excitement was jumping in and out of my bones.

- Kids. I could have died to have them with me when I was in those moments. Bee & Belle, of course. MissMissMiss.

- Laying on our back under the tall trees in the thick and dense forest, near the coolest and calmest lake, listening to the cricket’s songs, talking nothing but swapping our childhood stories and how our days went by. Once in a while the leaves fell, by dancing slowly in the air, while the sunlight making its way through the trees to touch our faces, then we laughed quietly.

- Beyond the top of the tree that marked the end of the woods, I could see the sunlight, and the blue sky. The birds sang, the crickets chirped and we played with the waters fissure. Stones were here and there. We massaged and we shampooed each other, we sang, we joked, we laughed, and we sank ourselves deepen right there in the water, and once in a while, we choked. I was absorbed with love and fun.

- Upon the sky, there’s the moon. The biggest and brightest one of the whole time. She only showed her pretty and charming face once every 20 years. Sweet sun, thank for sending me the moon. I glowed with love.

- Before putting ourselves into a peaceful rest, we give ourselves to best treat by rolling in under blanket with each other to watch those romantic yet funny movies until we fell asleep like the kids whom their mum warned not to watch late night cartoons, because it’s not good.

- On 2am, we woke up, doing nothing, but swapping again. Here we go, every-boys-we-met and how-the-love-went stories to tell to put ourselves back to sleep. And of course, I was always a good listener, but given that I got to understand deeply how it really felt by love, why not?



And I’m so soaked up with love just thinking about this dreamy moment, which made me think a lot about City of Romance, PARIS and City of Love, ITALY. How can I reach out to there?

We always made the best partners on trip. And perhaps, we’re made of PEACE, LOVE and HAPPINESS. LOL. Well, in fact, I got it from PINK, sugar scrub product. LOL.

P.S. Foolishly, I wish my big heart and pretty cousin was a guy I love, really. (Alright, I’m definitely not lesbian, in case, you worry about it. LOL)

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you; remember I'll always be true.

Taken at KGC while walking and biking around stadium.

Have you been losing perspective on the most important people in your life? Sure, you're warranted respect in what you're doing -- but at the cost of spending time with the friends and family who love you no matter what time you get to work each morning? In the long run, you are always going to remember the people who had your back, the people who share your private jokes and the people who tell you the truth because it's good for you. Put them first no matter what.

And I just did.

How far do I have to go to get to you...

My birthday was 3 days ago. So I’m 23 turning to 24. I don’t like the number, I tell you. heehee... Will anyone care to tell me how it was like being 24, 25 and 26? I want to know. I wish I could have done something I want to do, but well, I’ve now grown addicted to the things I’m doing. It’s non-stop and there’s no point of turning back. And I care no more.

Well, nothing comes out from my losing brain. And I feel like everything around me is losing but I tempt to get attached with the current busy life. It’s been years I said it a lot to my people, “Sorry, I’m busy” which concerns me that I might end up living in this life forever which I don’t want to. Because I want to see the light until I reach the end of the tunnel. I’m still walking in it. No light. And. Pretty dark. When I bump into something, like wall and it hurts a lot, but there’s nothing I can do but keep walking and finding ways. It’s pretty sick.

Despite of everything, people do have some moments for themselves.
So I still have fun and lovely times and happiness.

What has in store for me this year? I don’t know. But I want to achieve the things I’m trying to do. I’ve never achieved anything in life, but knowing I’m trying my best, I still want to do more and know more and learn more and fail more and hurt more and hope more and especially, love more. I want to experience all those things a person who I’m looking up to goes through.

And I love these songs a lot.

*** At KGC for works and family matters. Right now, I think a lot about my dad, my uncle, and my bestie.

it's being unfolded, and there is you.

So 2010 has passed already.
It was another year of learning.

Remembering it was my baby step, and I was tremble, stumble and finally fell.

Taken on 31th Dec, before the countdown night.
And I love this picture a lot.

However, welcome to 2011.

I know we have been here for a while already, but it's been a hell of week which I think perhaps it is time for me to make a formal acknowledgment of the fact and of all that render the New Year so special and significant.

I think this is the year I start drawing lines and making distinctions (Okay, I know I’ve said it many times already). But strongly, I want to make this year for me to accept and handle responsibilities where appropriate, and yet it is the year I should stop feeling guilty about factors that are entirely beyond my own control. I want to make it as my year of liberation and maturation.

So 2011 is here.
Yet it's another year to learn.

Even though, it begins with some confusion and low self-esteem. But I’m going to take all my energy to carry out my plans, restore my optimism and seek balance, though it is not an easy task.

Taken on 31th Dec, the countdown night.

We've been friend for 7 years and 2010 was the first time we've stayed together to welcome 2011.

She always dug out our best high school memories. On that countdown night, she told me about the time I had a little crush and that guy turned out to be gay!!! I jumped and was like, “WHAT?” which I didn’t remember a thing of this. lol

Well, she is a friend who make me feel young and always reminds me how to have fun again, yet she's a friend who reminds me how to feel our maturity.