It has been quite a while...

... and it has been the moments of discovery that leave me gawking at how little I am in this world that is at once unfamiliar, big and scary and magnificent. I want to be who I used to be. That brave girl who is rabbit-headed and dragon-hearted in the face of uncertainty. I want to bet against the odds and to believe that there is more magic than fear in the unknown. I want to prove no one but myself. Above all, I want two hands to shape my dreams (our dreams) and two feet to take me there. Knowing that I've already grabbed by the waist by the most important and solid person in my life, I should fear no more. I know I'm not losing my way when I am with you. 

...like milk and water, mingle together.

A good memory keeper or not, I'm still in doubt. But there are things I want to remember for a very long time. The things that someday I can laugh over. The thing that I someday would question myself, "Really?" Like when my bestie told me that I used to have a crush on a gay and I don't remember (I still don't believe her for this). Hahaha. Even my routine--a very particular routine, it's also nice to be remembered. So I do want to remember that I've been drinking milk at least 4 servings everyday like my life depends on it. And yeah my life depends on it.

Some friends...

... make you feel young and remind you how to have fun!

We've known each other when we went for high school enrollment together.

Three years later, we met again and became friend at 10th grade.

We formed our group at 11th grade.

We've became best friend at 12th grade.

Now she's a wife of my friend and a mother to a 6 months old son!

It's been more than 10 years.

And she's the one who reminds me all the crazy and silly memories together.

And I still see us when we are old and become grandma,

we might still call each other "Anh & Haeng", in khmer: "អញ & ហ្អែង"

ពីរោះឡើងដាច់សាច់ណាស់​ មែនហ្អេ៎? Hahaha​

That's not good!

Who knows, we'll might call each other, "Yeay yeay", in khmer: "យាយ​ យាយ" instead.

I guess only our friends we've known from our childhood always use this improper words to call each other, but I know it makes us feel closed though.

Heeheeheee

ចុះអ្នកទាំងអស់គ្នាវិញ?

បែបហៅគ្នាថា​ អាងាប់ អាប្រកាច់ ហៅត្រកូលគ្នាម៉ាកំប្លេរ ដូចតែគ្នាហ្នឹង!​

On Faith

Taken at Bousra Waterfall, Mondolkiri.

They say anything is possible if you have enough faith. Is it really so simple? If someone does something successfully, we say, 'look how much faith they had.' If someone tries and fails, we say, 'they did not have enough faith.' But I believe faith alone is merely one vital ingredient in a larger recipe. Along with faith there must be vision. With vision there must be imagination. With imagination we need intelligence. With intelligence there must be accurate information. When you have it all, use it well and you may yet find (almost) anything IS possible!

I'm working on it myself!

I just need some inspiration

At the moment, I am craving that inward inspiration that gets me to just breathe and just be.

Taken from Eating Animal, Jonathan Safran Foer.

It’s been a while.

Of late, I have been restless and my hands, like a pair of conspiratorial malcontents, fidgety with dissatisfaction with... what? Maybe it’s the constant waiting and waiting for a whole bunch of things to happen.

I miss the feeling of certainty, of being anchored in something solid; I miss knowing. I miss being sure of where I’m supposed to be... I miss believing in the possibility of dreams. I miss taking pleasure in simple things. I miss looking in the mirror and not feeling like a stranger.

So my dad becomes my only bestfriend now...

... whom, when the morning comes and when the day's done, I would go and crawl next to him and babbling on how my days was like.

a beautiful quote for today...

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

— Bob Marley

I love it when I say 'I'm fine' and you never believe I am.

It might be a simple way to not forget about our days was like.

Because the bruises and wounds are almost removed and all that remains are the soon-to-be-healed scars and such.



I’m ready to bed now, but it occurred to me that someday I might forget the days (2months) I walked around with my almost blackout and dizzy head and blur vision with a week of the band-aids and bruise on my chest and hand and finally had enough of it, peeled it off, and left with these bruise and soon-to-be-healed scars (Week 2). And anyways, I can’t just go around forgetting things like that, which is happened to me for the first time. (I hope I didn't make it sound serious which is not at all.)

But this is not the only case. Because I think I just need to remember all the shivered sounds from their mouths, the worries from their faces, and esp. how they know exactly I'm not fine whenever I say 'I'm fine.'

Sometimes, I think I/we need people like this in life: People who never fail to express what is in their mind when you're not. Questionable people who you can trust unconditionally. People who see through you, but yet they love you. People who is always there for you and you can always turn to, while others look away.

And remember that they also need the same from you.
That's what called 'Love' I guess.

when i become a mommy....

When I become a mommy to a little girl, I’ll tied her hair up with a crochet flower hairpin, dress her in a short flower swirly skirt with a white cotton spaghetti strap blouse and a pair of ballerina shoes, then we’ll go on road trip to find out why birds live in trees, butterflies can fly and what makes blue skies blue.

And when I become a mommy to a little boy, I'll dress him in a knee-length khaki jean with a white T-shirts, a pair of sneakers and a cap, then we'll go on adventure to find out why the mountains are high, the lakes are wide and what makes blue oceans blue.

that's what storm is all about.

Taken on the way from PS to BTB, where you can always see the wide opened bluest

and blackest sky with masses of floating clouds.

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you.

So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

— Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

Old & Grey & in love.

Mr.&Ms. Opal & Amethyst Love.

Well, don't you want to be mine? I mean, to be one of them???
Stay calm and become my toys! I've never owned a Human Toy. Be mine, plz!!
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Taken when I tucked them in and sing a good night song. lolz

Every moment I look at my new toys, 'Aging' & 'Future' & ‘Forever’ are on my dictionary of the day. Besides continue eating everything that life put in my plate, best or worst, I try to consume more supplements that I think it is the best nutrition for nurturing my faith.

Because one day, even the young will be old. Those children, playing so happily in the park, will be the elderly men and women who sit on the bench watching another generation ride those swings. I wonder on what I want to take with me into the future and what I can preserve from the present and the past. If I can take my faith along with me, my hope, my tolerance, and my belief in the better side of human nature... perhaps, I can ensure that the most important part of me never ages.

So let's fill our heart with LIGHT and LOVE.

And... let's get married, singletons! lolz jkd.

The remain of the day.

Maybe it's beyond what you expect.
The impossible expectation you yearn for after a long tiring day.




I've finally traveled 24 provinces and I'm proud of it.

During my travels, I fell in love often with countryside, esp. BTB where I could see beautiful clouds move back and forth; PL where you could never tired to enjoy the bluest sky on the summer day; MDKR where you can find the most greenest place for a better escape; RTNKR where you can see the most beautiful stars, and sky; KCG, the most peaceful place I once I think might end up there at my very old age... etc.

And maybe there's one noisiest, muddiest, and stressful place where you chase your life for life, but then, and the end of the day, if you could find something less stressful, but yet beautiful and romantic, that would be the best warming moment of the days. Like a quote from a book below:

"Beyond the wall that marked the end of the terrace, I could see for miles around the windows and back yards of the neighboring properties. A lot of the windows were lit, and the ones in the distance, if you narrowed your eyes, looked almost like an extension of the stars. This roof terrace wasn't large, but there was definitely something romantic about it. You could imagine a couple, in the midst of busy city lives, coming out here on a warm evening and strolling around the potted shrubs, in each other's arms, swapping stories about their day."

I particularly like the last line.

And for some reason, I'm stricken by this picture. It's taken on the 32th floor of Canadia Tower. I've never seen something like on the day time with my naked eyes, except the last 3 years I was on the plane. But it's definitely something else I utterly fell about it. Because I see it with a feeling. Because right now, it gives me a glimpse to remind me how life eat me up from the inside with my everyday stress and strain.

Last 3 years, it was the beginning, it's hard to see everything with my true feeling.
And today, I have plenty of times to be torn in between, to shout, to scream out loud and to tell what I've been feeling and how my days look like.

And that's SUCK!

M-Mum.

It's May. And it's Mother's Day. Soon. Time for present. At least, something to make the day for our beloved people. Like, this is my motto now, when you come from a trip, don't forget a little gift. At least, to me. Because maybe I've grown up receiving those from Uncle & Dad. And at this age, I feel like I'm following their footsteps.

So speaking of which, there's something I think it's really cute about it. From the very since, Dad always gets mum a make up kit, which I think why doesn't he just get her a lipstick instead? Because mum doesn't wear make up, except lipstick! Mum never get the reason why he always get her that, though how much he doesn't like when women with a make-up on.



Well, I got presents from mum and mum-to-be bestie.

Happy Mother's Day.
And this blow-your-soul-away song, which is written by Rachel Aldous*, is for my mum & mum-to-be bestie, as well as mothers in the world who loves their children unconditionally.

I’m imperfect but I perfectly love you.
I love you dearly and Happy Mother's Day.




*See Rachel Aldous heart-felt interview here and below is the song called, 'A Mother's Prayer'.

I smile and shake my head, well we all write our own endings and we all have our own scars, but tonight I think I see what it's all about.

And I'm not gonna write it down. I'm saving them in my head.

Below is just some craps I want to get it off a little bit, which there are two things I'm really obsessed about:

1- Marriage & Pregnancy & Babies. I'm incredibly obsessed with it. Not because I want to get married, but I want to feel how it is to have a small living creature inside my tummy and how it is and how stress it is to be a master of everything with the new life. I want a change, really. I'm dying to experience it. Esp, when working on a new project related to it, I'm all for it. Anyway, so how to have baby without getting marriage? Single mom, i mean? Which is very INSANE, I know.

2- Health. Be aware of your well-being. Seek balance. We can't do anything without having a good health and I just realized it's very, very, and very important. So take a good care of yourself. Do regular check-up. Disease is everywhere and Stress is the worst of all in this new generation which lead to other illness. So, don't overwork yourself. Limit. Less ambition. Be Content. It's not fun when you're sick.

Anyway.

Homecoming by Vienna Teng.

This girl is really something. Epic.
After a long tiresome day, her songs calm my nerves.
And I'm feeling this beautiful song.

I just want to
be living as I'm dying
just like everybody here
just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment every mile

I like myself better when I'm with you.

Fried vermicelli + Choco cookies + Sesame Milk + Modern Family = EXCEPTIONORDINARILY GREAT!

Modern family was the best treat for my holidays (finally, I could make time to watch it). Well, to be exact, the best ending treat. I love it more than The Simpsons. But watching Modern family, I've gone through some thoughts, though it cracked me up so hard to catch my breath.

I happened to think how imperfect every family is. So does mine. I'm sure everyone has stories to tell. Best and Worst. Well, I think maybe we don't treat each other perfectly, but we love each other wholeheartedly. And I believe, like the wise old said, The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If you have your own family, treat and shape them the best. Never neglect. Never Violent. Never Silent. I'm going to make mine the best I can be proud of. Esp, my kids. :D:D:D

Oh again, Modern family is truly the best. Laugh but then you learn something from it and you appreciate your family more than ever.

And I'm so relaxing and so addicted with this meaningful song:
HARBOR by Vienna Teng.

Sail your sea
Meet your storm
All I want is to be your harbor
The light in me
Will guide you home
All I want is to be your harbor

Dear you, coffee & tea

My elegant-body mug of coffee looks really handsome on my desk! O.o

I successfully quit drinking you months ago. And I miss how your buddy, CL, everyday is full of you I longed for, but now it's being used for water. I bet your buddy miss having you in him too. However, without you, coffee, I amazingly lost 4 kg, but regretfully, nothing could give me a boost to start my freaking days ever. Who knows? I'm gonna get back to you someday. Just so you know, I can't stand a day without you. You lift me up! LOL

How about my not-that-big-ass mug of... Tea? No it supposed to be Honey! Look!!
Oh, just so you know, she's Asian. Yellowish! O.o

Teeeea time!!! Alright, I love you too, though not as much as I love coffee, but you, at least, help freshening up my days recently. I can start my days with a big-ass mug of you. Or maybe two. I now got other brand which comes in different kind of taste in one box and it's so classic!! Well, first it wooed me with its cute, colorful packaging and nice description, second, it reeled me in with it classic smell and great taste!!! Not that I forget about you, BonTea! But speaking the truth, It was just a willy-nilly chosen of you last time. Sorry. !O.o!

The good times are rolling. Are you rolling with them? Or do you fear they're rolling away without you? Don't be fearful.

Dear SHOES,

I've never have done this without you. You've always rolled with me when the good times are up in the air. Can't thank you for more for always got me from there to here. You've always taken me to many places to do many stuffs, to see many things. What I like about taking your shot, because you always reminds me of where I've been and the things I've done.

Thank you, shoes. teehee

And it reminds me of a quote by Eve Ensler:

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing."

Anyway, KNY is right around the corner!!!

I don't know what has in store, neither you nor me! But may your pair of shoes take you to wherever you wish to go, to get the chance of seeing what you wish to see, and to do whatever you want to do. Buddha bless!!!

So, Happy Khmer New Year!!! Spend it wisely, esp with your family.
I'm gonna spend it at home, how about you?

Too many things I haven’t done yet, too many sunsets, I haven’t seen.

Nonetheless, I’m blessed to experience those things, those romantic times, those sunsets, those sun lights. And they were beautiful and warmed up my soul. I want more. I want it forever. I want it with you, my future for life who, well, umm, I haven’t met. LOL.









Those beautiful things are:

- Night and Early morning silence, except the sound of bugs here and there.

- Yawns, yawns and yawns I lazily made each morning.

- Cold breeze I felt when I woke up.

- Soft light made its way through the pinhole of the wooden room to warm up the cold and to let us know, it’s time to get up.

- Rain and dew on the grass. I thought if water was cocktails, and I was the grass, I’d be sooo drunk and died to heaven right there.

- Weird feeling while walking with my bare feet on the wet morning grass and smelt the flowers. Oh, glistering with joy, except it itched me a little after walking back and forth for too long.

- Ooohh and aaahh with those beautiful creatures. Flowers and natures. The birds and the bees. The dragonflies and the butterflies. The excitement was jumping in and out of my bones.

- Kids. I could have died to have them with me when I was in those moments. Bee & Belle, of course. MissMissMiss.

- Laying on our back under the tall trees in the thick and dense forest, near the coolest and calmest lake, listening to the cricket’s songs, talking nothing but swapping our childhood stories and how our days went by. Once in a while the leaves fell, by dancing slowly in the air, while the sunlight making its way through the trees to touch our faces, then we laughed quietly.

- Beyond the top of the tree that marked the end of the woods, I could see the sunlight, and the blue sky. The birds sang, the crickets chirped and we played with the waters fissure. Stones were here and there. We massaged and we shampooed each other, we sang, we joked, we laughed, and we sank ourselves deepen right there in the water, and once in a while, we choked. I was absorbed with love and fun.

- Upon the sky, there’s the moon. The biggest and brightest one of the whole time. She only showed her pretty and charming face once every 20 years. Sweet sun, thank for sending me the moon. I glowed with love.

- Before putting ourselves into a peaceful rest, we give ourselves to best treat by rolling in under blanket with each other to watch those romantic yet funny movies until we fell asleep like the kids whom their mum warned not to watch late night cartoons, because it’s not good.

- On 2am, we woke up, doing nothing, but swapping again. Here we go, every-boys-we-met and how-the-love-went stories to tell to put ourselves back to sleep. And of course, I was always a good listener, but given that I got to understand deeply how it really felt by love, why not?



And I’m so soaked up with love just thinking about this dreamy moment, which made me think a lot about City of Romance, PARIS and City of Love, ITALY. How can I reach out to there?

We always made the best partners on trip. And perhaps, we’re made of PEACE, LOVE and HAPPINESS. LOL. Well, in fact, I got it from PINK, sugar scrub product. LOL.

P.S. Foolishly, I wish my big heart and pretty cousin was a guy I love, really. (Alright, I’m definitely not lesbian, in case, you worry about it. LOL)

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you; remember I'll always be true.

Taken at KGC while walking and biking around stadium.

Have you been losing perspective on the most important people in your life? Sure, you're warranted respect in what you're doing -- but at the cost of spending time with the friends and family who love you no matter what time you get to work each morning? In the long run, you are always going to remember the people who had your back, the people who share your private jokes and the people who tell you the truth because it's good for you. Put them first no matter what.

And I just did.

Good morning, yesterday.

I woke up by the chill of the wind, but I kept sleeping. Then again I woke up by the ring of the phones. GREAT. I hate that part. Everyday. Even though, I wanted so much to sleep like I didn't need to care if there were a crisis out there. Okay, like it or not, I had to get up.

Taken at Pailin. Chet stole its seeds for me. Now it's growing.

Yesterday and the day after yesterday, I wanted so much to let the mountain off my chest. I was throbbing with those pains. I wanted to let those out as much as possible. I got to understand why people usually say ‘It’s hard to breathe in here.’ I experienced it twice. And I was like, 'Somebody kill me please!'

So I just need someone to talk with and to let it out. But then I ended up being a listener instead. GREAT again. Alright, never mind. I barely bring myself to speak what my mind want to. I barely pin it down, let alone to to speak it out. Plus, whenever I started talking about my bummer or so, I often feel like 'Crappy crap! Cut it out! It's pretty much boring! Not that person want to hear your story as you want to hear theirs!'

Okay, maybe this is the reason why I'm always a listener.

So, out of blue, yesterday, after I got home, I determined on coming up with some tools of inspiration, but then I failed it. Because every minute I tried to make sense of everything, I was totally overwhelmed. Because I felt as though, if things didn’t ease up soon, I will just blow a fuse. Okay. I did it many time already.

But, suddenly I thought I should come up with something better to cope with. To give it a go, I need to lay it out on paper in order to pin it down, rather than let it slip in and out through my freaking brain.

---- Okay, not that I’ll post the list here----

Alright, after this half an hour later, I’ve done some of it. It came out well. It flew like running water. I’m amazed. I’ve never wanted to list things down and planned to keep everything in check like this. I’m no good at it. I don’t know it goes with plan, but I’ll try to follow up anyway. I need a lot of efforts. But if I fail, I’ll give it up. Because this mean I'm DEFINITELY not organized person.

So this plan will be my revolution for next year also. Some must to be started on January and some on the following months and run until June-July.

Apart from it, during the time I watch my sunflowers grow, I too determine to plant myself.
Btw, all the trips are officially canceled. Great. I've seen its coming.
But I've made another plan with my besties. Hope it will go well. Because this time, I really want to spend time with them on this New Year. I want to make it as ONE of those Times Of My Life also.

And this song is on top of my playlist. So inspiring.