At the moment, I am craving that inward inspiration that gets me to just breathe and just be.
Taken from Eating Animal, Jonathan Safran Foer.
It’s been a while.
Of late, I have been restless and my hands, like a pair of conspiratorial malcontents, fidgety with dissatisfaction with... what? Maybe it’s the constant waiting and waiting for a whole bunch of things to happen.
I miss the feeling of certainty, of being anchored in something solid; I miss knowing. I miss being sure of where I’m supposed to be... I miss believing in the possibility of dreams. I miss taking pleasure in simple things. I miss looking in the mirror and not feeling like a stranger.
It might be a simple way to not forget about our days was like.
Because the bruises and wounds are almost removed and all that remains are the soon-to-be-healed scars and such.
I’m ready to bed now, but it occurred to me that someday I might forget the days (2months) I walked around with my almost blackout and dizzy head and blur vision with a week of the band-aids and bruise on my chest and hand and finally had enough of it, peeled it off, and left with these bruise and soon-to-be-healed scars (Week 2). And anyways, I can’t just go around forgetting things like that, which is happened to me for the first time. (I hope I didn't make it sound serious which is not at all.)
But this is not the only case. Because I think I just need to remember all the shivered sounds from their mouths, the worries from their faces, and esp. how they know exactly I'm not fine whenever I say 'I'm fine.'
Sometimes, I think I/we need people like this in life: People who never fail to express what is in their mind when you're not. Questionable people who you can trust unconditionally. People who see through you, but yet they love you. People who is always there for you and you can always turn to, while others look away.
And remember that they also need the same from you. That's what called 'Love' I guess.
Maybe it's beyond what you expect. The impossible expectation you yearn for after a long tiring day.
I've finally traveled 24 provinces and I'm proud of it.
During my travels, I fell in love often with countryside, esp. BTB where I could see beautiful clouds move back and forth; PL where you could never tired to enjoy the bluest sky on the summer day; MDKR where you can find the most greenest place for a better escape; RTNKR where you can see the most beautiful stars, and sky; KCG, the most peaceful place I once I think might end up there at my very old age... etc.
And maybe there's one noisiest, muddiest, and stressful place where you chase your life for life, but then, and the end of the day, if you could find something less stressful, but yet beautiful and romantic, that would be the best warming moment of the days. Like a quote from a book below:
"Beyond the wall that marked the end of the terrace, I could see for miles around the windows and back yards of the neighboring properties. A lot of the windows were lit, and the ones in the distance, if you narrowed your eyes, looked almost like an extension of the stars. This roof terrace wasn't large, but there was definitely something romantic about it. You could imagine a couple, in the midst of busy city lives, coming out here on a warm evening and strolling around the potted shrubs, in each other's arms, swapping stories about their day."
I particularly like the last line.
And for some reason, I'm stricken by this picture. It's taken on the 32th floor of Canadia Tower. I've never seen something like on the day time with my naked eyes, except the last 3 years I was on the plane. But it's definitely something else I utterly fell about it. Because I see it with a feeling. Because right now, it gives me a glimpse to remind me how life eat me up from the inside with my everyday stress and strain.
Last 3 years, it was the beginning, it's hard to see everything with my true feeling. And today, I have plenty of times to be torn in between, to shout, to scream out loud and to tell what I've been feeling and how my days look like.
And I'm not gonna write it down. I'm saving them in my head.
Below is just some craps I want to get it off a little bit, which there are two things I'm really obsessed about:
1- Marriage & Pregnancy & Babies. I'm incredibly obsessed with it. Not because I want to get married, but I want to feel how it is to have a small living creature inside my tummy and how it is and how stress it is to be a master of everything with the new life. I want a change, really. I'm dying to experience it. Esp, when working on a new project related to it, I'm all for it. Anyway, so how to have baby without getting marriage? Single mom, i mean? Which is very INSANE, I know.
2- Health. Be aware of your well-being. Seek balance. We can't do anything without having a good health and I just realized it's very, very, and very important. So take a good care of yourself. Do regular check-up. Disease is everywhere and Stress is the worst of all in this new generation which lead to other illness. So, don't overwork yourself. Limit. Less ambition. Be Content. It's not fun when you're sick.
Anyway. Homecoming by Vienna Teng.
This girl is really something. Epic. After a long tiresome day, her songs calm my nerves. And I'm feeling this beautiful song.
I just want to be living as I'm dying just like everybody here just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile and I don't know where I'm driving to but I know I'm getting old and there's a blessing in every moment every mile
I woke up by the chill of the wind, but I kept sleeping. Then again I woke up by the ring of the phones. GREAT. I hate that part. Everyday. Even though, I wanted so much to sleep like I didn't need to care if there were a crisis out there. Okay, like it or not, I had to get up.
Taken at Pailin. Chet stole its seeds for me. Now it's growing.
Yesterday and the day after yesterday, I wanted so much to let the mountain off my chest. I was throbbing with those pains. I wanted to let those out as much as possible. I got to understand why people usually say ‘It’s hard to breathe in here.’ I experienced it twice. And I was like, 'Somebody kill me please!'
So I just need someone to talk with and to let it out. But then I ended up being a listener instead. GREAT again. Alright, never mind. I barely bring myself to speak what my mind want to. I barely pin it down, let alone to to speak it out. Plus, whenever I started talking about my bummer or so, I often feel like 'Crappy crap! Cut it out! It's pretty much boring! Not that person want to hear your story as you want to hear theirs!'
Okay, maybe this is the reason why I'm always a listener.
So, out of blue, yesterday, after I got home, I determined on coming up with some tools of inspiration, but then I failed it. Because every minute I tried to make sense of everything, I was totally overwhelmed. Because I felt as though, if things didn’t ease up soon, I will just blow a fuse. Okay. I did it many time already.
But, suddenly I thought I should come up with something better to cope with. To give it a go, I need to lay it out on paper in order to pin it down, rather than let it slip in and out through my freaking brain.
---- Okay, not that I’ll post the list here----
Alright, after this half an hour later, I’ve done some of it. It came out well. It flew like running water. I’m amazed. I’ve never wanted to list things down and planned to keep everything in check like this. I’m no good at it. I don’t know it goes with plan, but I’ll try to follow up anyway. I need a lot of efforts. But if I fail, I’ll give it up. Because this mean I'm DEFINITELY not organized person.
So this plan will be my revolution for next year also. Some must to be started on January and some on the following months and run until June-July.
Apart from it, during the time I watch my sunflowers grow, I too determine to plant myself. Btw, all the trips are officially canceled. Great. I've seen its coming. But I've made another plan with my besties. Hope it will go well. Because this time, I really want to spend time with them on this New Year. I want to make it as ONE of those Times Of My Life also.
And this song is on top of my playlist. So inspiring.
I haven't written for long enough to drop one post.
… and July has came to sweep June away and it went faster than superman, the events that transpired just last month seem vague and unreal to me. Perhaps because there are many things I’ve came across and many relentless thoughts that have kept occupying my head. But I'm glad I'm getting busier and experience more.
Well, it'll be a year soon that I've been in my current job - a steep learning curve,that has a big impact on my behaviors in comparison to my previous job... a totally different playground, which resembled nothing, but mud.
Yet, despite of my lack of ability and capacity, I figured out of whole lots things in term of human characters. I get to understand how wild and cruel people can be... and how I choose to react/act on it and how much I expect from others. It reflects too much the very negative and weak sides of me. It reflects the very negative sides of people. I stop thinking that everyone is saint. Especially, despite of others, upon behaviors and betrayal of people I trust; care and I gave the most. That’s the shittiest things in life. Those people dug out the very worst parts of me. This is very frustrating.
In term of it, I’m getting scared… I need to feel comfort and secure ground -- in a place that is full of people who is realizable, who is serious, who is not annoying—in a place where people would tell me money & materiality is nothing.
... which make me miss my uncle. I miss how he would give me some logic on no matter what I have in my head.
However, I met a lot of men lately and it made me miss those men who have came to my life. That’s when I realized how chicken I was… how stubborn I’ve always been… and how the vision of my uncle perception and personality has greatly embraced my thought all along in view of any man.
…and anyway, in a strange way, I've missed writing. Yet the countless times I've tried to start... I'd not been able to elaborate on more than 3 sentences. Indeed, I have so much to tell, but I somehow find it hard to tell or to remember how excited, how hard it was, how new things have its great impacts on me. Uncannily, I a bit start suffering from writing blog... perhaps, I’m so caught up in the routine that I had forgotten about the simplest pleasures in my life on how I love writing blog.
Anyhow, there are some pictures, in case, you forget about me! LOL and to view more here.
... and with JULY... one of good months ever, and I expect more. And the first of all, I want to see how my both little pumpkins have grown after all months I’ve never seen them.
BLEEDING: Spiritually dying; traumatize; to be in a state of disagreement with someone; someone speaking against someone else.The dreamer should beware of strange friendships. To see blood flowing from a wound, physical ailments and worry.
BLOOD: Bleeding may suggest open wounds due to broken relationships. It can link to hurtful comments and painful emotions. It can also link to a lack of vitality generally and even depression. BLOOD: To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word “blood” written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed. To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.
BLOOD: It is the life-giving, vital part of our physiology and it may symbolize our strengths and weaknesses and our physical and mental health. If you are currently experiencing a very difficult time in your life, you may have dreams with bloody and frightening images. Don’t worry, you may be venting your fears! Some believe that when you see blood in your dream, the distressing situation in your life which is at the root of the dream has come to an end, and the worst is over.
Hmmmhhhhhhhhhh, is that so? Well, I can see its coming.
2010 began, a drama has been steadily unfolding. I'm not entirely pleased with this. It seems harsh and hard, to say nothing of disappointing.
I suddenly feel like, every couple year, I have to fall back and start everything over.I t's ridiculous just to think of it. I feel like, "Shit! I keep coming back!". But keep telling myself not to lose my hope, which is what a friend of mine seriously told me once, "Don't lose yourself! Don't lose your hope!"
Well, I got a question for myself, which is what I have to think about "How to" broaden my ability and capacity on something I really put my head and heart on. Ok it's a very hard one.
Btw, right now I'm thinking about Kafka Tamura, who sees Miss Saeki as a smart person, which is exactly what I see in a certain person.
“She is very different from you, she overcome all kinds of obstacles, and not what you’d call normal obstacles, either. She knows all kinds of things you’re clueless about; she’s experienced a range of emotions you’ve never felt. The longer people live, the more they learn to distinguish what’s important from what’s not. She’s had to make a lot of critical decisions, and has seen the results. Again, she’s very different from you. You’re only a child who’s lived in a narrow world and experienced very little. You’ve worked hard to become stronger, and in some areas you actually have. That’s a fact. But now you find yourself in a new world, in a situation you’ve never been in before. It’s all new to you, so no wonder you feel confused.”
Quoted fromKafka On The Shore by Haruki Murakami
Keep playing this quote in my head, helps slowing down my pace of anxiety and vitalize my hope!
I'm also thinking of something fun, like going to swim with my ladies or play badminton to reduce some stress and anxiety. Maybe only after that activation I'm in. The late of FEB, probably. I hope I can make it! Yeh Yeh!
All friends and people I love are born in December. All inspired thought come through my head in December.
Think I have too much update recently. But who cares? I just want to write as I got nothing much to do. So I now try to come up with something to do, which I don’t know now, or maybe a little while later, I will figure out, hopefully.
It’s utterly restless when I don’t have something to keep myself busy, besides reading book and e-book. It’s not an easy feeling when you live your everyday doing nothing like this. That's suck.
But I have plenty of times to have a lot of talk with my family. Isn’t it nice? At home, there’s a load of thoughts pop up in mind and we do talk a lot about career-education-finance and marriage. Oh yes, marriage. It’s such a heat topic in my family forum now. HEAT.
I think I'm so alone after all. I thought I'm not. But no. Not anymore. Or is this just what stirring inside me? I don't know. I don't put this blame to people I care. I think it's all happening inside of me. The within battle.
But I'm really tired of listening to people. I wish I was a deaf. So we don't need to do listening things. And what If I cannot speak at all? So that I don't need to do talking thing. So that I can keep my big mouth shut. Not to spill any secret. Not to talk too much and all. And all I have to do, perhaps, is writing letters. You know, as far as I think, non-verbal communication might does the best job of expressing.
Okay, I guess I need a correspondent now who I can write to and who is good at keeping secrets. lolzzIsn't it nice if we have someone we can write letter back and forth?
Btw, I have number of books I tempt to finish and sure enough I can’t finish by the end of this December. Maybe because they’re mostly E-books. No afford for paper books. lolz. Suck.
Oh, there's two books which are highly recommended which I'm currently reading.
1- Blink by Malcolm Gladwell 2- Secret About Life by Barbara De Angelis
Think I don't have much update for two months. And now here I am, sitting and think about writing this and that again. I like to think that writing blog is like talking to an old friend. Alright, that's it.
So..... Now I'm back to home. My comfort zone. My place where I can sleep like forever. Here, this morning, I woke up, but not got up and just keep rolling back and forth on bed with top list of old music from my ipod, thinking about nothing but singing. Knowing it’s Saturday, I didn’t want to get up at all. Regardless, I felt like crying again, thinking about what had happened. Those confusing things.
I have kept asking myself, “Oh snap! Why is this happening to me? It doesn’t make sense at all! I HATE THIS” But well, I’ve chosen to make decision about where I stand on the issue, right from the start. I've chosen to do what Dad told me which is what I’ve been thinking it’s the best yet reasonable decision. I think If people or maybe life doesn’t make sense, I should try to make it sense.
I used to read a book of Barbara De Angelis which I forget the title, which, as far as I can gather, has been said, “You have to let go of something to attract something new!” And I’ve tried to let go of what I’m holding. I've stepped from the world of me, hope for better in one way or another. And yeah, I was so excited and happy about the opportunity the universe had given me, but I was pretty sure, shit will be happen. Just like what I recalled in the book, “When things are too comfortable for you and make you happy in the moment, sooner or later, things will be stirred up!And whether you decide to be surrender or resist with it, it’s your decision. ti’s what called LIFE! Challenge with it!” And well, the next thing I know, It's stirring me up. IT’S HAPPENING! And It’s a lot more than worst.
Okay, whatever, like I said above, I’ve chosen the place to stand on this issue. I can’t just think about anything right now. I can't think about starting school, because of finance crisis. I can’t just think about the relationship which I have to decide whether I should give it a chance or not. I have no focus at this NOW moment. I need more time. Being in a relationship is more than just, "Well, let's go out. let's hang out. let's this and that." No. At least, for me. It's much more than spending time together. It's more like understand, be opened, know and accept the best and wost of each other. It's more like you want to run to him when you're in trouble just like when you run to your parent. It's more like you know you have somebody to share your story and your daily life with. It's more like he will listen to you and sometimes he doesn't need to give you advice or anything when shit happen to you. Oh well!
Well, that’s how it's done. That's how I'm still single. Hahahaha
Anyway, it’s a better-than-worst day. I could feel right from the time I slept last night. I start enjoying my books again every night. like, I’ve done with “Norwegian Wood” by Haruki Murakami and now I’m on, “For One More Day” by Mitch Albom which Natharylend it to me for months already. Hahahahahhaha Now I think about having evening out some days with Nathary again. I'll make time for it. Try to be content and enjoy life rather than just focus on that thing.
So today, right now I’m in office, and planning to go for a nice walk at Stadium to catch some fresh air this evening.
I only hope for things to be started looking up from next month. Really look forward to know what life has in store for me.
Yes because I want to explain. Yes because I don’t want to live in this hard feeling. Yes because I just want to release. Yes because I just want to escape. Yes because I want to clear the air. Yes because I want to be back home.
I’ve been spending my weekend at home and sleep, sleep and sleep. So that everyone won’t ask me how’s thing going, about this and that. So that I don’t spill thing out. So that I won’t become a queen of babble. So that things won't go worst than it is.
But now I’m here to face another worst day. How long will it takes? It's a really hard feeling. It’s just so hurtful. I hate dealing with it.
I’ve been talking to my love ones and they said, “Dear, come back home! We’d rather having you here!” and after I hear it, all I want to do is cry, cry and cry.
I just realized that I’m such a cry baby. And I can't believe I’ve cried for her for many times already. She makes me high and she’s also the one who makes me low, very low.
I just don't know why she likes taking everything as assumption?
But I learn one thing for it.
Sometimes we don't need to try fixing things, we won't know how worst it's gonna turn out.
Trip to Malaysia was canceled. It's a little bit sad, but I can save a lot of money for mum. I went home today and stayed there for almost a day. I felt so great, I can say!
And, here is what I just figured out.
Sometimes, life feels like a slow, painful trek through a field of mud. Sometimes, it's a merry dance through a meadow of flowers on a warm spring day. What makes the difference? It's not money, as many a miserable millionaire will testify. It's not love, that's sometimes subject to stress. It's the existence of hope that makes us want to celebrate... and the apparent absence of it that creates despair.
Pheak's camera Canon 40D.
One more thing which give me stress and strain is the sake of happiness.
I've been trying so hard on emotion part. And I'm tired. I feel like I'm not me at all! Because I thought I should change my life. I believed I could let go of something in order to get something new. So that I can make this life grows. But It's definitely unpleasant. And I know this is how life grows. To go through all pain endurance.
BUT, the pain I'm talking here is about missing every elements of my life.
I miss long talk about my days with mum and dad every evening when I get home. hanging out and sharing laugh with friends. riding motorbike in breezy evening with bong Ny and J.Nha. having lunch and evening out with B gang. listening to musics and reading favorite books till mid night. Having fun with bong bong at lunch and night out. Weekend of visiting uncle's home.... etc
I realized that what I'm doing the most is focusing on only one thing and forget about other things in life. Today, I just noticed that a lot of birthdays passed and I missed a lot of it. my friend's birthdays and my friend's graduations.
Isn't it elements of life we should balance and we don't want a single of them drop out like many plates we try to hold it all at once?
I definitely don't want to live alone in this world alone and leave everyone behind like this. I don't want to focus on nothing at all like this. It's unpleasant.
However, I've decided to go away from my comfort zone. But the thing is I should learn to balance it! I don't want to drop out many plates while I'm trying to hold one. I must figure out how to maintain my life and put all my plates in order!
Okay, what I really want to whine here is I don't see I grow an inch of what I'm trying to do and... I just miss everyone.
I tend to think what we learn and how we become another person is the bit about going through something everyday. More-than-tired of not being able to overcome stacked-up things in mind, which are cryptically accumulated and leave me in limbo state, but still trying to appear as normal as possible. Life in limbo is not fun at all. This can be easily leads something unpleasant like boredom, frustration, feeling of edgy and despair. Despair!
From little bit of everything which have been through, little bit of everything in Past, little bit of uncertain things which desperately expect from Tomorrow and being here in the Now moment seeking an alternation to life in limbo. And I’m waiting for a point-arrow to show me the best way to go OR if i could have a magic compass, perhaps?
I get to think about the life-graphic Dad once mentioned about. The more I think of it, the more I'm worried. And lately, I often turn up thinking over and over again about the past. I've been rejected from what I've sacrificed for and I've blown off every opportunity that come to my way just to wait for my wanted one in quite a milestone, to be where I want to be, to get out of where I am, to make up all the things I've given up just to be here. IF only there's any warning sign to let me know if it’s not worth for waiting al all? So then, I wouldn’t wait anymore. So then I could make direction changed.
As much as I despair of what I’m waiting, as much as I’m getting sick with people, as much as I’m getting sick with this sickening-spot I’m in, I have a sudden roar-hit and tempt to fall in serious disease, so that I could take leave 1 or 2 weeks, perhaps, to get out of place I’m being, to stay and sleep at home and having mum worry and help me to take medicines and stuffs. So that I could stop feeling too much, to take a bit break, to take a step back, not to die in despair. Because I don't want to live my life in vain.
From little bit of everything I've been through, I think, growing up is not that easy.
For this past week, I’ve been having a great and fun time with Bong Bong, as I'm waiting to hear the words about the final end of the disaster my family and I have been into and the result about the work opportunity in few weeks ahead. I silently pray for all the best with these two things. Also, there are too many stressed up things which seems to be not okay happened to all my beloved ones. But what can I do besides pray for them all the best?
With all kinds of things we're all facing currently, make me realized how hard life can be when career and family come to our concern. We worry, get weary and dreary. Sometimes, I think what if we were well-off people, then would our life be more easier?
So Life, after all, is a roller coaster! One moment up the next down are all overwhelming! And We need comfortable ride! I'm referring to career and family only. Relationship matter is not counted in this term since we all are too busy to fall in love. And talking about love, I wonder how we're gonna spare time for our future-lover when we’re too busy with work and stick to each other like epoxy paint? Do we deserve to be rewarded for something so-called the workaholic’s certificate of appreciation? No? Well, we work to satisfy for our living.
Think I'm more and more getting into Lychee Martini at Metro!
And I happened to see the post in my Facebookabout the latest book released by Sophie Kinsella, which to be added to my to-find-to-read list. Well, I'm not allowed to read STILL. Pathetic!
Though I spend 12-15 hours everyday in front of PC, it doesn’t mean I’m someone who would sit for many hours to finish watching 2 or 3 movies in a row. But I beat it this time. Well, it’s second record I broke. teehee... I could finish 5 movies for only 2 nights. Well, that’s because I suffer from insomnia. Probably I feel too much? I worry too much? After all, the great thing is those movies are comedy movies which I laughed like I miss laughing for ages. But The Bride Wars made me tear terribly at the end of the story. But it doesn't make me cry a river like one of Korean Drama, I'm sorry I love you, I watched last time. Well, I hate me who always sob the heart out over soppy movies. Damn! It’s too vulnerable, isn’t it? Am I so hyper-emotional?
There’re things I tempt to set. It’s about cooking and yarning project I wanna make again. I’ve copied some cooking files and those samples of yarn and crocheted doily patterns. For cooking, the first things I wanna learn to make are KimchiandRainbow Seafood Pasta Salad. But how? I don’t know how to make the time of it. I think I’m gonna hold it again. Two or three months maybe? Until I'm able to settle and manage my finance wisely I guess? But what if I get the job opportunity and become too busy to make it possible? Phewwwwwww... we’ll see.
These doily are cool to my eyes. Because of the pattern of its flowers. The blue one is cool because it's my favorite color and the white one I think I can crochet it as a wrap for traditional dress or maybe crochet it as tablecloth? But the problem is I need to pattern sample or the bigger pictures! Hmmppphhh...
I never thought that we can crochet it to be hair clip and necklace. Brilliant idea! And I think Srey Bee would rock with this hair clip!
Srey Bee and her dad, my Mr. Perfect!
This past week was like the old days we have. I love when my uncle comes home with foods and fruits we like. We sit, eat, talk and laugh like we used to have. Now he visits us more often and we never miss a conversation! One a week, he brings Srey Bee with his wife, and twice a week, he comes home alone before he goes to work at night shift.
Well, there’s something I just figure out. It’s about being myself. I used to try bending myself for the best. But it turned out to be so awkward and made me cringe with someone who is not me at all. I can’t get the perfection and I reckon that being naive and innocent sometimes work best. But, I want myself to be intelligent enough. I want myself to learn things faster and get things done well. However, said is easy than done. But, despite of the fact, I will try to manage it as best as I can. Well, I’ll see.
Thank you for all your concerns. I’m not alone after all. I have you all. I’m so grateful. My big thank for my Mr. Perfect (Uncle) for always being our hero in every trouble and every terrible difficulty. Thank my Ms. Smart (cousin) for helping us and everything. Thank Bong Lod and J.Nha for helping. Thank Bong Thuch, Bong Thea and Bong Mab for bringing me out to relax rather than staying home. I still could laugh though I was in misery and so messed up. Thank and sorry Bong Ny for making you worry and didn’t let you know in time.
I’m so, so and so grateful.
And I wish, wish and wish this terrible panic will be faded away and thing will be okay...
Some determinations are failed. No. They are not. They are just meant to be failed. Obviously, they are stricken out.
1- Read more. [But at least I've done with Shopaholic & Baby! teehee] 2- Cut down drinking coffee and junk foods. 2- Cut back on expense.
I've been sitting at desk with many freaking works to do, mails to be sent, approvals to be confirmed. But now I'm doing nothing. I'm writing this post instead, just to moan my blah blah bitty blah. RIGHT NOW, I'm in mood of going out and enjoy seeing the world outside since I've been only staying in office and home. But haha, I'm going to have VN lunch at Derm Champa with Bong Bong soon and gonna hang around for hours, then get back to stick with those papers till 8pm or 9pm I guess. Denith informed me that all 5steps members are going to gather tomorrow at 5h30pm at Sovanna. And I missed it again. Sorry.
There are works at office needed to be finalized and new to be started. At home, there are some translations to be finished as it due and NOW a new 30 pages comes again! Oh man, phew! phew! How could I possibly finish it by deadline? They come together at once and I don't know how to make time out of it. But that's not the problem at all, the major thing is MY CRUMMY EYES ARE IN A BAD SITUATION. I don't know how to soothe it away.
It makes me get to feel how hard Pa used to be. How he cannot be able to read the book he wants. This is how health plays the important role for any human life. Now it's getting to happen to me, so he strictly and firmly said, "No reading, no staying long time in front of computer! Esp. NO READING! If you don't want to live yourself with regret!"
I frequently have to squeeze my eyes very hard. And most of time, I blink, blink and blink. Spontaneously. I didn't notice, but they did, even my both brothers. They said it's gonna become my bad habit of keeping blinking all the time. They said I look so STUPID, like a real nerd, when I blink my eyes so often. But what can I do? If I don't, I hardly keep my eyes open.
This time Pa is really serious about my eyes. He also said, "You also cannot start your school too! It's OK, you can suspend it more months. Just try to relax your eyes before it's TOO LATE! Don't be like ME! Btw, when will you be able to see doctor again? Must be this weekend! No later than sooner!" and I said, "Umm, soon, I guess! Look, I have a lot of works to do as well as those translations. So maybe on 1st?", he said, "I'm SURE you WILL SAY this, you will say you need to finish your work due to deadline and all that jazz! And Why don't just deny to do those translation?", I tried to find a reasonable excuse, but there's no use, so I ended up by saying, "Yeah, I suppose. It's the end of the week already; as you know, I have to finalize those works. And those translation, I've accepted it already. I didn't want to get those works too, but I just want to learn, you know? Try to translate as much as I can. who know? your daughter would become a professional one someday, though I don't like!", He said, "It's up to you. But tell you again, be aware of it, otherwise, you will regret for the rest of you life. And one more thing, it doesn't take you more than 1 hour to see doctor, does it?No more excuse, let's go this Sunday!" I opened my mouth to object but then closed. I knew that my Jom tors kmean proseth pheap!
Well, you cannot neither come up with any excuse with your Dad nor your Mum. Because the problem is, for the best or worst of you, they KNOW you very CLEARLY.
The height of endurance is tumbling down with a great deal of massive chunk weighs down on the most buoyant small spirit. The unbearable moment start arising which is almost burst out as it seems, the heat of scourge is heating up relentlessly. It might be the really end of endurance. But what would happen if it’s being stopped unexpectedly? by nothing else, but self-commitment? The self-commitment which is not worth a bit of scrap of paper. Perhaps, it’s at least worth, but what happen if it’s just something to do with the act of taking advantage, which you’ve been known all that long? But the heat of being taken advantage is getting more and more intolerable.
At every turn, regard with commitment and responsibility, you let yourself being taken advantage all a long the way, while hoping you can muster all your strength to fight back the wickedness hidden beneath the imposture faces. The thought of transforming to be selfish is appeared as much as a impossibility to be accomplished. That’s the truth of you. Don’t try to change yourself to be someone you are not if it’s for worst. Remain being what you can be in your right way.
But you found yourself keep thinking a lot and turned it over and over in your head about the things you’ve given up just to be here, the choice you made and must be continued to make, based upon the unavoidable circumstance including with the promise of selflessness.
Above all, there’s something to be said about not looking back and having no regrets with the path you wanted is not being taken. While being on a current shot, You give up the hope you’ve been given million times and all the possibility of chances which has been promised to give. That’s not worth to wait. Keep walking on a path you are walking, which mean keep being someone who can be taken advantage, and ones who took it from you, thinking you are just stupid. And you are. You really are!
It's been a crazy time. It's been a time I've found myself in utter madness. At workplace, I've burned all my burdens in the fireplace where it's on my frowning-face. Think I've been changed too much to be someone who is not exactly me. I hate this fact of my self-altering. It's utterly aging me. It's extremely overwhelming me to death.
People, people, why are you such crazy? Why do you need to be such creep? Why do you need to be such dramatic? Why do you need to be such bluff? Why do you need to take advantage of one another? Why do you need to be such people who know only your own need? Why do you need to be a Saint while you are a real devil? Why? Why? Oh, how I do hate such people like this!!! But just took a look at Weekend Horoscope this early morning and found that it’s partly so right!
- Pisces Horoscope Weekly of 23rd-29th March ...
A week for introspection. This is time to take a pause, look behind, and assess your progress. Take a break and analyze the things happened earlier and make necessary adjustments to create harmony. The things may not be like that as you want. So avoid being pushy or to impose your thoughts on others. At job, your spirit is high. However, your running high-energy may spoil the things. You are advised to focus your energy in the right direction with patience. Success will be yours. Seniors are cooperative but result oriented.
Financially, it is time to make adjustments as the things may not go according to plan. Sudden expenses may make you thoughtful. It will be difficult to avert your expenditures. It is also suggested to take care against loss or theft.
Domestic peace will prevail. You will like to give a new comfortable look to your home now. Decorating it with plants and greenery around will make you feel high. Romance will be eclipsed due to other factors of life. If single, then this week is positive for searching a right partner for you. Avoid being eager as it will spoil the things proceed into right manner. You will have a remarkable opportunity to meet new romantic partners. Even though you will be at home a bit more than usual, the time you will spend socializing seems to be highly productive.
And Horoscope for today is...
You'll have to call someone's bluff. If you don't have full knowledge of some issue and you're behind the eight ball you mustn't cringe when someone tries to overpower you in conversation. You don't necessarily have to have all the facts at your fingertips to win the battle. Postpone the discussion and return to the negotiating table armed with better information.
Enjoy yourself and the people around you, just take care not to take anyone or even yourself too seriously right now, it's more a energy of play and adventure rather than seriousness and commitment.
Here, I set the new determination that I’m not going to read those books I have piled in the last post anymore. I meant, not before I finish this new piles. So those ex-piles are going to be read later. teehee.
The two on the top, Spells Trouble by Lauren Child and Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer are very soon going to be finished. The Rice Mother by Rani Manicka and Around The World In 80 Dates by Jennifer Cox are waiting in the line and so on. But I don’t think I’m going to finish this new pile before I’m getting to start the new works very soon. My hardisk is still being checking, which make me cringe, but God is on my side! I’ve been printed out some recent data which need to be used. Thank God! At least. But still, I'm in trouble! Nothing I can do, but just sit tight to see what is going to happen.
