In the hope to meet, shortly again, and make our absence sweet.

I've never visited home for more than a week, I guess. Pa often pays me visit for, like, 3 times already. I love whenever he's about to leave, he always tap my head and said 'I'm going, so take care yourself'. That's so sweet of him.

And Mum called the other day, the day I sent her my food, Jab Chhay, I first made with my cousin via my brother. She said it's nice though it's a little bit salty and she asked me to describe how I made it. And I know she's happy and I'm sure Mum, Dad and Grandma will eat all my Jab Chhay. And I'm more pretty sure that we'll talk about it again when I visit home.

Talk about home, when I work, do some tiny house chores and cook, I always think of mum. I just realized how hard it is to be a mum. What I do everyday is nothing compare to what she does everyday.

You know when you cook and wait for your favorite people to come and expect them to eat and say, 'Ummmm it's nice. I love it!'. Just like I picture when Mum cooks and expect us to come home early and admire the foods she cooks. It's such a depress when the foods we put our effort to make is nothing to your beloved people.

You know when you do all the house works and think of her. You know it. You feel it. It's not that easy for being a Mum.

But, after all, whenever I'm near her, I become her very lazy and messy daughter again. I can't never be on my own having her with me. I hate myself for this point, utterly.

Anyway,

There are impossible things I really want.
1- Finish the books I'm reading. But it's impossible.
2- I want to have another novel, Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding.
3- I want this POGO instant digital camera.

And I don't know how to get it.

Hell Yeah Holiday

I'm now a homesick. Really homesick. I wanna stay in Pa and Mom room and talk talk talk. I wanna lie in my bed reading my book every night. I wanna to mess up and clean my tiny room.

I wanna feel my home.

At least, I went home and went to pagodas and went to visit my uncle's home during Pchum Ben.

Dad again called a moment ago. He asked if I can go home this evening. I've been talking to him for minutes and I feel like I'm away from him for months.

I recalled about the other day that I went home to bring some more clothes and when I just got there, Dad; Mum; Grandma and my both brothers run to the door to see me as though I've been away from home to other country for month, in fact, I've just never slept at home for 3 days. Then I stayed home for 1-2 hours after I packed my stuffs. Dad asked, "Why don't you sleep here tonight?" I said, "No, I can't. Ehehehe do you miss me?" I raised my eyebrows and stretch a smile and mum & dad laughed.

Taken along Tonle Bet during Pchum Ben day with Dad

Again, today he asked if I can go home as in fact I've just been away since the last day of Holiday. We've just been spending couple days during Pchum Ben.
- Dad: "How are you?"
- Me: "I'm okay! Just feel headache cuz I slept around 3am last night and have not yet had lunch! We've just done. Now Jeje is on meeting!"
- Dad: "Why you guys sleep late?"
- Me: "Oh I helped JeJe to do her Consumer insight since yesterday!"
- Dad: "Then how's your eyes? Come and eat at home this evening!"
- Me: "Oh it's okay. We have a lot of works to do!"
- Dad: "Let's go to doctor tomorrow!"
- Me: "No, I'm fine here."
- Dad: "Go go. And you come home tomorrow Okay?"
- Me: "Okay, let's see."
- Dad: "Okay, take care then." [Speak in English]
- Me: "Hehehehehe you miss me?"

---
And that's a very very and very good end of today!

Grateful

There are times I feel so, so and so grateful.

You have gone all up high just because all the hidden compliments you got for being who you are, for being what you are, for having your own sense of ability, especially from old people.

You're looking for more... to learn more, to try more, to live more, to build more confidence, to be more humble, to be more responsible.

There are people who look up to you and there are people who you look up to.

Unconfident, Uncertain, Fear and Let it go.

It’s been another same old same old week.

Take a quick run on and off.
On and Off.
On and Off.
Like crazy.
Sleepy and LAZY and Tired. Mostly Lazy.

I wonder how our hectic months to come will be.
More Tired, Sleepy and LAZY?
I'm not gonna care about it.

I recently don’t really think much about future like I always do, but past. Mostly about people I don’t want to lose, but lost. Anyone who comes to my life. That's all because I always let it goes this way. And that become as a habit.

I think my mind is really complicated and I made things more complicated. I feel sorry, but there’s no other way I can do. Because of Fear and I let it go. I know I always turn away from something I want. I hate when I feel uncertain about something, when I fear about something, when I feel insecure about something, when my head and my heart are on fight.

I don't know why I always refuse to go for it, refuse to see it with heart, refuse to acknowledge different angles in this respect. Suffice to say that I'm not confident enough. My thoughts always take a heavy turn and I know I only see a part of the picture.

I can't stop considering this complex problem, recently, to be exact. I'm trying to sort out my beliefs and feelings from rational answers, but I'm finding myself more confused the longer I sort it out. I'm always somewhat biased here. So try getting another opinion before I make a move I will regret. And I know that there's no point in my trying to be, for example, such a rational scientist when at heart I'm really passionate artist.

Okay, now breath and let it go.
Back to think about career path.
Shake all the hyper-thought away.
Breath hard.
Breath harder. Harder. HARDER.

I'm not gonna think about it again.
I'm not gonna sort it out again.
--until l I have to.

After a storm comes a calm

I learn to trust my intuition now. It's so true somehow. The storm is past and I see the joy and happiness between them. It's been a very hard time.

I've been learning a lot lately. I get all the pictures and I learn things from it. I learn to balance my thought. I want to be able to carry myself very well while I'm growing. It's not that easy.

Taken at Belami by Bong Mab's Camera. Canon D50

Taken at Belami by Bong Mab's Camera. Canon D50

I think I look funny in this bang which I cut by myself. Haha. Cannot help since I'm so broke and don't even have enough money to go to salon. Sooo thing's gone worse when I was a bit lost by cutting my fore hair too short. Sooo okay, go for a bang then. After getting this month salary, I might go to salon to trim it proper.

Taken at Belami by Bong Mab's Camera. Canon D50

So here I love what I'm doing lately and recently. It's my pre-baby steps. Though I barely have time to stay home, esp since Pa was back. I have not yet had time to sit and have a long talk with him. I have not yet listened to the story he would tell us over lunch, dinner or when we all gather and sleep next to each other. How I love and miss this moment.

But first thing first, I want to do well in what I commit myself to do in my career path. I'm too concern about it more than everything. Some of my people might know that I want to be able to support my family in next, at least, 2 years.