On milestones, path to find strength, self-confidence and create my own person.

Truth to be told, I wasn't expecting to feel like such a milestone and to have created ultimate self-confidence and my own person. Sometimes it's all about perspective. And sometime, your spouse, the universe, family or friends, or even people you just acquainted with remind you of that fact. 

I guess it should have dawned on me before, but it took me some good and few bad years to really landed on me. You see, when you are in the thick, and sometimes thin, of things, it's difficult to see outside of the moment. Imagine pushing a boulder uphill. It's rare to even get a moment to stop and think about the distance you've travelled (unless you want to lose momentum and risk being crushed by that boulder.) Pictures of myself years ago feel like distant memories with all of that unravelled in between, let alone my childhood up to a quarter of one hundred year old. I feel like I don't recognize that anymore. I feel like from 2013 up until now are the only time I feel like I'm in a complete control of every inch of my life and to actually feel like I've been living life to the fullest and one hundred percent of how I want to lead, to create my own version. … to have found my own person. All of that happened not to be defined by where I came from, my background, family, culture, tradition or any social status. Zero. And that's when I know I truly am my own person and I am so free... free from all the unnecessary obligations outside myself.

I started my new life here in a new land at the same time as the building of my own, and very new relationship/marriage/partnership. A tumulus time any new couple, let alone the bonus uncertainty of starting over at a place I was a complete stranger to. Nobody could understand it's been a hard work. When I speak of hard work, this was the hardest of work. the quiet, internal works and sometimes not-so-quiet and external works. The work of discovering the lengths and strengths of my commitment, not just to my beautiful sacred marriage, but also to myself as my own individual, our dream, our visions, our goals, and at the same time, mine. Could we do it? Could we do it together? Could I do it all alone? And I think most of time, we have been doing it alone… together. And I'm still in awe how we both navigate and coordinate everything things individually but also together.

When I say that I wasn't expecting that I've accomplished quite milestones, I was underestimating the impact of actualization. During the pandemic and upon my graduation in December 2020, the overall self-confidence, and self-actualization hit me good and from that point on, I'm fully onto another phase of becoming into a person I was striving to become. Self-confidence is one of the most accomplishments I'm most proud of. It is not something you build overnight, or something you rely upon (materials; social status, family, background... etc), but it's something that you proudly wear, it's the courage, the attitude of knowing your worth, knowing your capability, not willing to compromise or negotiate for anything less than you are worth for... the attitude of walking into a store, but not feeling like you owe it, but own it (not in a rude way though)… kind of confidence. 

For the first time of my life, I can stop and to actually be proud of myself for doing all the necessary works  for 9 years alone in order to grow into a person (and there are many more for years to come!) I can be really proud of and have made some positive impacts along the way. When you really live like you don't have a safety net to fall into, you live and build the confidence that comes from your only strength, not from all the fluffs (materials, social status, approval from others… you name it.) Because when you strip off all the things of you, what is left of you, ask yourself, can you still be proud of yourself? Can you still and truly survive on your very own? Can you be confident with yourself when it's all taken away from you? Can you stand alone? Can you truly stand alone knowing that nobody is going to catch you when you fall and you don't want anybody to catch you when you fall? Can you lay your own ground, your own foundation knowing that you don't want to rely on anyone, or any social connection you may have, so that you can catch yourself when you fall instead? Can you?

The only way you can do all of that yourself, you have to do a lot of necessary works by yourself to earn that kind of strength and self-confidence and create your very own person.

Meet our sweet baby girl, Lucy!

Lucy is our sweet baby girl with golden/white color and has the same beautiful marks like Finn: White booties, white bib, white neckline, white tip tail, plus one cute white dipped-paint ear and a tiny nose. While Finn has one brown eye and one blue eye (I know, being a pure breed himself, it's insane), Lucy has brown and almost hazel eyes. Lucy was born on March, 23rd to a litter of Finn's mother. 

I jumped the gun and talked to my husband that getting our second pup now is probably a good time rather than later. He seconded that and I let the breeder know that I will drive the next day for 2 hours and a half see the litter and their temperament only to learn that the litter is from the same mother of Finn. After hours of playing with the litter, I ended up choosing Lucy. Because like Finn, she's hiding away from me and she has most Finn's characteristics. 

Upon her arrival to her new permanent home, we introduced her to Finn with her being in the crate first. She's dramatically scared of Finn. Finn, on the other hand, was so happy to see a puppy. The first night, I slept downstair with her knowing that she's scared for being away from her littermate for the first time and plus, I needed to take her out for potty every 2 hours. During the first few nights, every time I took her out, Finn came along. Finn and I didn't get much sleep and we both were groggy during the day. You see, that is my companion right there, my boy Finnegan. 😂 After the first new nights, Lucy didn’t cry anymore and she slept longer without the need to go potty. We let her sleep upstair with us but in the crate and I only need to take her out 2 times during the night and gradual to one time and now being at only 4 months, she graduated from sleeping in the crate to sleeping in her bed. 

Lucy has been doing so great at her training. She picked up things quickly. And I think, for one, because she has personality of wanting to please while Finn, on the other hand, wants to do things on his term. Secondly she has Finn to guide her in term of house rules, so she just follows what Finn does and sometimes if she does anything that Finn knows she's not supposed to, Finn would yell at her. Haha. For example, Lucy jumped on our bed and I put her down and told her, 'No jumping on bed!' She tried again and again. After the 3rd attempt, Finn yelled at her trying to tell her, 'Don't you hear Mama say, no jumping? Bed is off limit.' She stopped and went to sulk under the bed. Haha. 

Having Lucy with us made me realized how much Finn has changed so much overnight into a more mature dog and how closed I am with him. Finn and I have created a special canine bond that nobody would understand. Because if you don't have a dog or if you have dog but you just treat them as pet, you won't experience an unspoken deeper connection with your canine companion. We treat them like family members and I can't wait to create a special bond with Miss Lucy. The special bond with our canine, just like human relationship, come from care; attention; training; disciplines; adventures and all the things you do with them. My husband doesn't have that connection with them like I do because he doesn't personally train and discipline them other than feeding them when I'm at work and spoiling them with foods and treats. 

Why FINNEGAN (FINN)? Because husband likes a novel by Mark Twain, The Adventure of Huckleberry Finn. I like Finnegan, an Irish name, for that it's a very sweet name and it means, 'Fair' in term of complexion which is the opposite of his complexion. Haha. I might go with Huckle, but Finn doesn't look Huckle at all!

Why LUCY? Because husband likes Lucy in comic strip Peanuts who has a slight crush on Charlie Brown and I like it because I joked with husband a lot that he keeps calling our neighbor dog, Lucy, when her name is Judy. Now he can get his own Lucy, which he's usually call her, Lu.

Class of 2020: Summa Cum Laude (4.0)

It marked the most remarkable time of my life, a great personal reminder of what I'm capable of doing when true grit, strong determination and thinking skills are applied.

Classes that I found the most challenging but the most rewarding are PSY240 Critical Thinking, SCI212 Nutritional Science and SCI250 Microbiology. Those classes offered more than they did and shifted the way I think going forward. I’m looking forward to never stop pursuing higher learning even in my older age.