back for blog

Think I don't have much update for two months. And now here I am, sitting and think about writing this and that again. I like to think that writing blog is like talking to an old friend. Alright, that's it.

So..... Now I'm back to home. My comfort zone. My place where I can sleep like forever. Here, this morning, I woke up, but not got up and just keep rolling back and forth on bed with top list of old music from my ipod, thinking about nothing but singing. Knowing it’s Saturday, I didn’t want to get up at all. Regardless, I felt like crying again, thinking about what had happened. Those confusing things.

I have kept asking myself, “Oh snap! Why is this happening to me? It doesn’t make sense at all! I HATE THIS” But well, I’ve chosen to make decision about where I stand on the issue, right from the start. I've chosen to do what Dad told me which is what I’ve been thinking it’s the best yet reasonable decision. I think If people or maybe life doesn’t make sense, I should try to make it sense.

I used to read a book of Barbara De Angelis which I forget the title, which, as far as I can gather, has been said, “You have to let go of something to attract something new!” And I’ve tried to let go of what I’m holding. I've stepped from the world of me, hope for better in one way or another. And yeah, I was so excited and happy about the opportunity the universe had given me, but I was pretty sure, shit will be happen. Just like what I recalled in the book, “When things are too comfortable for you and make you happy in the moment, sooner or later, things will be stirred up! And whether you decide to be surrender or resist with it, it’s your decision. ti’s what called LIFE! Challenge with it!” And well, the next thing I know, It's stirring me up. IT’S HAPPENING! And It’s a lot more than worst.

Okay, whatever, like I said above, I’ve chosen the place to stand on this issue. I can’t just think about anything right now. I can't think about starting school, because of finance crisis. I can’t just think about the relationship which I have to decide whether I should give it a chance or not. I have no focus at this NOW moment. I need more time. Being in a relationship is more than just, "Well, let's go out. let's hang out. let's this and that." No. At least, for me. It's much more than spending time together. It's more like understand, be opened, know and accept the best and wost of each other. It's more like you want to run to him when you're in trouble just like when you run to your parent. It's more like you know you have somebody to share your story and your daily life with. It's more like he will listen to you and sometimes he doesn't need to give you advice or anything when shit happen to you. Oh well!

Well, that’s how it's done. That's how I'm still single. Hahahaha

Anyway, it’s a better-than-worst day. I could feel right from the time I slept last night. I start enjoying my books again every night. like, I’ve done with “Norwegian Wood” by Haruki Murakami and now I’m on, “For One More Day” by Mitch Albom which Nathary lend it to me for months already. Hahahahahhaha Now I think about having evening out some days with Nathary again. I'll make time for it. Try to be content and enjoy life rather than just focus on that thing.

So today, right now I’m in office, and planning to go for a nice walk at Stadium to catch some fresh air this evening.

I only hope for things to be started looking up from next month. Really look forward to know what life has in store for me.

DON'T

The most important thing is not to let yourself get impatient. This is the only advice for you: DON’T GET IMPATIENT. Even if things are so tangled up, you can’t do anything, don’t get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it’s ready to come undone. You have to realize it’s going to be a long process and that you’ll work on things slowly, one at a time.

Do you think you can do that?

Norwegian wood by Haruki Murakami

My answer: I'll TRY!

"Did you just cry?" mum asked, "huh? no way!" I said

I wish I could say "YES!"

Yes because I want to explain.
Yes because I don’t want to live in this hard feeling.
Yes because I just want to release.
Yes because I just want to escape.
Yes because I want to clear the air.
Yes because I want to be back home.

I’ve been spending my weekend at home and sleep, sleep and sleep. So that everyone won’t ask me how’s thing going, about this and that. So that I don’t spill thing out. So that I won’t become a queen of babble. So that things won't go worst than it is.

But now I’m here to face another worst day. How long will it takes?
It's a really hard feeling.
It’s just so hurtful.
I hate dealing with it.

I’ve been talking to my love ones and they said, “Dear, come back home! We’d rather having you here!” and after I hear it, all I want to do is cry, cry and cry.

I just realized that I’m such a cry baby.

And I can't believe I’ve cried for her for many times already.
She makes me high and she’s also the one who makes me low, very low.

I just don't know why she likes taking everything as assumption?

But I learn one thing for it.

Sometimes we don't need to try fixing things, we won't know how worst it's gonna turn out.

my plates, my life.

Trip to Malaysia was canceled. It's a little bit sad, but I can save a lot of money for mum. I went home today and stayed there for almost a day. I felt so great, I can say!

And, here is what I just figured out.

Sometimes, life feels like a slow, painful trek through a field of mud. Sometimes, it's a merry dance through a meadow of flowers on a warm spring day. What makes the difference? It's not money, as many a miserable millionaire will testify. It's not love, that's sometimes subject to stress. It's the existence of hope that makes us want to celebrate... and the apparent absence of it that creates despair.

Pheak's camera Canon 40D.

One more thing which give me stress and strain is the sake of happiness.

I've been trying so hard on emotion part. And I'm tired. I feel like I'm not me at all! Because I thought I should change my life. I believed I could let go of something in order to get something new. So that I can make this life grows. But It's definitely unpleasant. And I know this is how life grows. To go through all pain endurance.

BUT, the pain I'm talking here is about missing every elements of my life.

I miss long talk about my days with mum and dad every evening when I get home. hanging out and sharing laugh with friends. riding motorbike in breezy evening with bong Ny and J.Nha. having lunch and evening out with B gang. listening to musics and reading favorite books till mid night. Having fun with bong bong at lunch and night out. Weekend of visiting uncle's home.... etc

I realized that what I'm doing the most is focusing on only one thing and forget about other things in life. Today, I just noticed that a lot of birthdays passed and I missed a lot of it. my friend's birthdays and my friend's graduations.

Isn't it elements of life we should balance and we don't want a single of them drop out like many plates we try to hold it all at once?

I definitely don't want to live alone in this world alone and leave everyone behind like this. I don't want to focus on nothing at all like this. It's unpleasant.

However, I've decided to go away from my comfort zone.
But the thing is I should learn to balance it! I don't want to drop out many plates while I'm trying to hold one. I must figure out how to maintain my life and put all my plates in order!

Okay, what I really want to whine here is I don't see I grow an inch of what I'm trying to do and... I just miss everyone.

10 principles

1- Everything you need to be happy is inside of you.
2- The purpose of life is for you to grow into the best human being you can be.
3- Change is inevitable, so stop resisting and surrender to life's flow.
4- All obstacles are lessons in disguise-honor them and learn from them.
5- Your mind creates your experience of reality, so make your mind your friend.
6- Fear will steal your aliveness-make your courage bigger than your fear.
7- You must love yourself before you can truly give love or receive love from anyone else.
8- All relationships are your mirrors and all people are your teachers.
9- True freedom comes from how you respond to life and not what life does to you.
10- Whatever the question, love is the answer.

Secrets about life every woman should know
By: Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.

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When you read these 10 principals, you might be not really into it, unless you read the whole points described in this book. While you're reading it, you will think, "Oh! That's exactly me!"

Okay, it's definitely not a self-help, but it's about experience and lessons in her life and everyone's life.

I'm now on Secret # 2. It's been a hell of weeks to finish this number 2. Not because it's a very thick book, but I can read only a page per day.

And one sentence that I think it's an inspiring message is:
"Because I make a mistake doesn't meant I AM a mistake!"

Don't you think it's a wonderful phrase to remember?