I love it when I say 'I'm fine' and you never believe I am.

It might be a simple way to not forget about our days was like.

Because the bruises and wounds are almost removed and all that remains are the soon-to-be-healed scars and such.



I’m ready to bed now, but it occurred to me that someday I might forget the days (2months) I walked around with my almost blackout and dizzy head and blur vision with a week of the band-aids and bruise on my chest and hand and finally had enough of it, peeled it off, and left with these bruise and soon-to-be-healed scars (Week 2). And anyways, I can’t just go around forgetting things like that, which is happened to me for the first time. (I hope I didn't make it sound serious which is not at all.)

But this is not the only case. Because I think I just need to remember all the shivered sounds from their mouths, the worries from their faces, and esp. how they know exactly I'm not fine whenever I say 'I'm fine.'

Sometimes, I think I/we need people like this in life: People who never fail to express what is in their mind when you're not. Questionable people who you can trust unconditionally. People who see through you, but yet they love you. People who is always there for you and you can always turn to, while others look away.

And remember that they also need the same from you.
That's what called 'Love' I guess.

The remain of the day.

Maybe it's beyond what you expect.
The impossible expectation you yearn for after a long tiring day.




I've finally traveled 24 provinces and I'm proud of it.

During my travels, I fell in love often with countryside, esp. BTB where I could see beautiful clouds move back and forth; PL where you could never tired to enjoy the bluest sky on the summer day; MDKR where you can find the most greenest place for a better escape; RTNKR where you can see the most beautiful stars, and sky; KCG, the most peaceful place I once I think might end up there at my very old age... etc.

And maybe there's one noisiest, muddiest, and stressful place where you chase your life for life, but then, and the end of the day, if you could find something less stressful, but yet beautiful and romantic, that would be the best warming moment of the days. Like a quote from a book below:

"Beyond the wall that marked the end of the terrace, I could see for miles around the windows and back yards of the neighboring properties. A lot of the windows were lit, and the ones in the distance, if you narrowed your eyes, looked almost like an extension of the stars. This roof terrace wasn't large, but there was definitely something romantic about it. You could imagine a couple, in the midst of busy city lives, coming out here on a warm evening and strolling around the potted shrubs, in each other's arms, swapping stories about their day."

I particularly like the last line.

And for some reason, I'm stricken by this picture. It's taken on the 32th floor of Canadia Tower. I've never seen something like on the day time with my naked eyes, except the last 3 years I was on the plane. But it's definitely something else I utterly fell about it. Because I see it with a feeling. Because right now, it gives me a glimpse to remind me how life eat me up from the inside with my everyday stress and strain.

Last 3 years, it was the beginning, it's hard to see everything with my true feeling.
And today, I have plenty of times to be torn in between, to shout, to scream out loud and to tell what I've been feeling and how my days look like.

And that's SUCK!

I smile and shake my head, well we all write our own endings and we all have our own scars, but tonight I think I see what it's all about.

And I'm not gonna write it down. I'm saving them in my head.

Below is just some craps I want to get it off a little bit, which there are two things I'm really obsessed about:

1- Marriage & Pregnancy & Babies. I'm incredibly obsessed with it. Not because I want to get married, but I want to feel how it is to have a small living creature inside my tummy and how it is and how stress it is to be a master of everything with the new life. I want a change, really. I'm dying to experience it. Esp, when working on a new project related to it, I'm all for it. Anyway, so how to have baby without getting marriage? Single mom, i mean? Which is very INSANE, I know.

2- Health. Be aware of your well-being. Seek balance. We can't do anything without having a good health and I just realized it's very, very, and very important. So take a good care of yourself. Do regular check-up. Disease is everywhere and Stress is the worst of all in this new generation which lead to other illness. So, don't overwork yourself. Limit. Less ambition. Be Content. It's not fun when you're sick.

Anyway.

Homecoming by Vienna Teng.

This girl is really something. Epic.
After a long tiresome day, her songs calm my nerves.
And I'm feeling this beautiful song.

I just want to
be living as I'm dying
just like everybody here
just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment every mile

The good times are rolling. Are you rolling with them? Or do you fear they're rolling away without you? Don't be fearful.

Dear SHOES,

I've never have done this without you. You've always rolled with me when the good times are up in the air. Can't thank you for more for always got me from there to here. You've always taken me to many places to do many stuffs, to see many things. What I like about taking your shot, because you always reminds me of where I've been and the things I've done.

Thank you, shoes. teehee

And it reminds me of a quote by Eve Ensler:

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing."

Anyway, KNY is right around the corner!!!

I don't know what has in store, neither you nor me! But may your pair of shoes take you to wherever you wish to go, to get the chance of seeing what you wish to see, and to do whatever you want to do. Buddha bless!!!

So, Happy Khmer New Year!!! Spend it wisely, esp with your family.
I'm gonna spend it at home, how about you?

Another month, another story. Or anyway, a very similar story…

January was great. What I mean is everything is up and down normally, like how life supposed to be. And here come February. Nothing special. But I like how they say February is the month of love. Look, for the first day of Feb, I've heard the best news of marriages here and there, especially for my bestie.

L: Hey, you know what?
Me: What?
L: I've already passed.
Me: What?
L: I've passed the EXAM.
Me: What exam?
L: Our marriage!
Me: What??!!! Seriously?
L: Yes!
Me: Tell me more.
L: The date is already set. 17th March.
Me: What?? This fast?
L: Yeah. and one more thing.
Me: What?
L: I must have baby by Rabbit year!
Me: WHAT???
---

It's a big surprise. She made me say "what! what! what!" a lot, which in khmer, I was like, "Ei ke?"

I told mum right away after I got home and she brought the topic of how she thinks I'm lesbian again. Alright. Great.

Anyway, birthdays are in the air. You know it just smells good, except that we're aging 1 more year. I have a plan for my day, but knowing definitely that this month is going to be another hectic month, forget it.

But nonetheless, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, N!!!
My wish is very simple like this... Wish you love, happiness and success.
You have far to go, remember!!! heehee

Good morning, yesterday.

I woke up by the chill of the wind, but I kept sleeping. Then again I woke up by the ring of the phones. GREAT. I hate that part. Everyday. Even though, I wanted so much to sleep like I didn't need to care if there were a crisis out there. Okay, like it or not, I had to get up.

Taken at Pailin. Chet stole its seeds for me. Now it's growing.

Yesterday and the day after yesterday, I wanted so much to let the mountain off my chest. I was throbbing with those pains. I wanted to let those out as much as possible. I got to understand why people usually say ‘It’s hard to breathe in here.’ I experienced it twice. And I was like, 'Somebody kill me please!'

So I just need someone to talk with and to let it out. But then I ended up being a listener instead. GREAT again. Alright, never mind. I barely bring myself to speak what my mind want to. I barely pin it down, let alone to to speak it out. Plus, whenever I started talking about my bummer or so, I often feel like 'Crappy crap! Cut it out! It's pretty much boring! Not that person want to hear your story as you want to hear theirs!'

Okay, maybe this is the reason why I'm always a listener.

So, out of blue, yesterday, after I got home, I determined on coming up with some tools of inspiration, but then I failed it. Because every minute I tried to make sense of everything, I was totally overwhelmed. Because I felt as though, if things didn’t ease up soon, I will just blow a fuse. Okay. I did it many time already.

But, suddenly I thought I should come up with something better to cope with. To give it a go, I need to lay it out on paper in order to pin it down, rather than let it slip in and out through my freaking brain.

---- Okay, not that I’ll post the list here----

Alright, after this half an hour later, I’ve done some of it. It came out well. It flew like running water. I’m amazed. I’ve never wanted to list things down and planned to keep everything in check like this. I’m no good at it. I don’t know it goes with plan, but I’ll try to follow up anyway. I need a lot of efforts. But if I fail, I’ll give it up. Because this mean I'm DEFINITELY not organized person.

So this plan will be my revolution for next year also. Some must to be started on January and some on the following months and run until June-July.

Apart from it, during the time I watch my sunflowers grow, I too determine to plant myself.
Btw, all the trips are officially canceled. Great. I've seen its coming.
But I've made another plan with my besties. Hope it will go well. Because this time, I really want to spend time with them on this New Year. I want to make it as ONE of those Times Of My Life also.

And this song is on top of my playlist. So inspiring.

October

I was planning to make October to be a month of gathering, meeting and hanging out with people, but forget it, it didn’t go with plan.

Just feeling the chilling wind and knowing the Fall has started and oh yeah, I have plenty of wedding to attend and my people to meet! And I gotta make it. I just looked at calendar, I don’t think I’ll travel that much for November, but who knows? it always happens in a blink of eyes. I just can’t plan my time. Crossed finger!

Nonetheless, October was good after all.

- It began by spending 2 days off on Pchum Ben with my ladies at SHV without those endless phone calls (In this point, I think I have sth new to update in my CV… particularly, like ‘Professional in picking up the phone calls’ Haha)



-Here comes, after I'm done with short holidays, I’ve been to some new provinces. Back & Forth. And do regular work.

-Every time I stayed in PP, esp during the heavy-rain-and-flood-everywhere time, I’d hear the knock on my door and mum asks, “Will you take the car or motorbike?” I went, “Yes?? Oh oh, motor!” then I heard she say, “Bring the car, the weather is not good, it might rains!”… I got up and went to see the sky, “Oh! Ok! But… mum, I’m not Salt anyway” And I felt so good.

-Glad to be done reading some books at the same time. And now it's time for break. Otherwise, my severe headache and crummy eyes will be worst.

-The other Sunday, I have one day to treat myself nicely. I drove to over there, over there and down there for the whole damn day with a choco shake in hand. And I get chance to do my ‘MMM’. Can't help! Finance crisis! Otherwise I probably end up walking around penniless.

-Last week I was in Steong Treng and I was lucky to join religious activities, Water Festive. They celebrated it after holy times (3 months of Jol Vorsa). I’m not sure what it’s called though. B.Thuch & I got ourselves a small light boat decorated with flowers and we floated them by the river in front of pagoda. And I just knew woman use this light boat to wish for husband! Ha-ha! Damn! Too late! I should have known! Haha. In fact, I didn’t wish for anything, though!!!


-And today, I’m in PP. Just back from Pailin and Preah Vihear last night and I'm gonna have training at Koh Thom in few hours. Only 2 more provinces! that I fulfill my wish of traveling around the 24 provinces in Cambodia.


BIRTHDAY!BIRTHDAY!BIRTHDAY!

I got a lot of best people in October! and I love them all.

-Bong Ratha
-Bong Rama
-Vattanak
-Kelly
-TinTin and
-Dad


May your all birthday be the beginning of your happiness!

I thought we could have a rendez-vous and wish a birthday in person! But maybe we could celebrate one-day-together-birthday, couldn't we?

How do you feel for being 20-something?


And this one, I dedicate to my Dad.
Happy Birthday To You!
I'm glad that I'm now able to do something little for you.
I'm glad at least, I have chance to do so.

nothing better than this... you feel just like the sun... just like the sun.

I couldn’t keep track of the vision of life recently. Each event, it comes and go. It’s like over there, over there and up there (I love this sentence a lot, cuz I watched this).

The thing is, in time like this, I’ve bumped into many new inspirations, realizations and thoughts in a way that I could say, I CAN FEEL IT. IT'S IN MY BONE. But the problem is I couldn’t get a hold of what flied into my mind and to put it into words.

Taken on the rice field, Takeo.

For instance, it happens often when you’re on the way to somewhere. I meant, when you see ‘that’, and then you start talking about ‘that’, you’ll just create 'that useful thought’ in your mind. I don’t know how it happens to others, but me. Especially, when being in a moment, when it reminds me the books I have read, which I gain more perspectives from those. You know when you read, you would stop and think about what it's written, but when you bump into a similar situation, or see anything related to, you’ll just get to understand in a profound way. At least, to me, it happens this way. I'm deeply inspired and excited about those new wisdom.

Every now and then, those books I’ve read really change the way I think, and it has a positive effect to the way I am. So would you tell what the books that change your perspective are? If you ask me, I’d say, I give two thumbs up for MITCH ALBOM… You’ll never know until you read one. Thank Nathary for the lending me one, and JenJen for recommending me other one and I’m glad Bong Lod interests and so into his books too.

Here the quote I just love a lot from "Have A Little Faith" by Mitch Albom:

1- "Having more doesn't keep you from wanting more"

2- "They aren't perfect, but they don't need improvement. Why? Because it means you are willing to accept people as they are. Nobody is perfect. Not even mom and dad. That's Ok."

3- "You can embrace your own faith's authenticity and still accept that others believe in something else."

Anyways, recently I’ve been blessed to bump into these great moments. I don’t know why, but I just incredibly love those moments I had recently.

1- I've developed such great sentimental mood when I was on the way to some places and we shared about everything related to that places. One thing leads to another, that’s how our days beautiful days went by, bubbling with fun and amazing conversation blah blah blah. Of course, they are decent conversations. It made me feel like a part of home and family. It reminds me this. Because it's like a new getaway, from everything in this complicated and messy world, power, materialism... and all you can feel, see, listen, and touch is nature, nature, nature over there, over there and up there, with new good talks about life and great laughs... which made me love a great simple life more and more... That's exactly what I want to feel. Profoundly. Warm. Happiness. Beautiful.

2- Talked and listened to each other experiences, thoughts and wisdom. And that was the very first time, in person, I’ve ever shared what in my mind, what books I read, what books that prove positive things to think about, what books that change the way i think, esp with right question, with the right conversation, with the right persons. That’s when I feel comfortable and relaxing.

What can I say? I just loves those moments.

In any event…

I haven't written for long enough to drop one post.

… and July has came to sweep June away and it went faster than superman, the events that transpired just last month seem vague and unreal to me. Perhaps because there are many things I’ve came across and many relentless thoughts that have kept occupying my head. But I'm glad I'm getting busier and experience more.

Well, it'll be a year soon that I've been in my current job - a steep learning curve,that has a big impact on my behaviors in comparison to my previous job... a totally different playground, which resembled nothing, but mud.

Yet, despite of my lack of ability and capacity, I figured out of whole lots things in term of human characters. I get to understand how wild and cruel people can be... and how I choose to react/act on it and how much I expect from others. It reflects too much the very negative and weak sides of me. It reflects the very negative sides of people. I stop thinking that everyone is saint. Especially, despite of others, upon behaviors and betrayal of people I trust; care and I gave the most. That’s the shittiest things in life. Those people dug out the very worst parts of me. This is very frustrating.

In term of it, I’m getting scared… I need to feel comfort and secure ground -- in a place that is full of people who is realizable, who is serious, who is not annoying—in a place where people would tell me money & materiality is nothing.

... which make me miss my uncle. I miss how he would give me some logic on no matter what I have in my head.

However, I met a lot of men lately and it made me miss those men who have came to my life. That’s when I realized how chicken I was… how stubborn I’ve always been… and how the vision of my uncle perception and personality has greatly embraced my thought all along in view of any man.

…and anyway, in a strange way, I've missed writing. Yet the countless times I've tried to start... I'd not been able to elaborate on more than 3 sentences. Indeed, I have so much to tell, but I somehow find it hard to tell or to remember how excited, how hard it was, how new things have its great impacts on me. Uncannily, I a bit start suffering from writing blog... perhaps, I’m so caught up in the routine that I had forgotten about the simplest pleasures in my life on how I love writing blog.

Anyhow, there are some pictures, in case, you forget about me! LOL and to view more here.

... and with JULY... one of good months ever, and I expect more. And the first of all, I want to see how my both little pumpkins have grown after all months I’ve never seen them.

---LOVE---

You hold the special place in my heart...

For both of you.
For both wonderful fathers.
For the only greatest men in my life.
Dad and Uncle.

Taken at Prek Kampi, Kratie

Happy father’s day!

I send all my deep love to you both, Dad and Uncle, for being the only best men of all in this world to me. There’s no way I will say “You know what? I love you so much” in front, but I speak it through my heart.

You have no idea how much I love you!

Dad, when I call you "Dad", it explains all the things I'm grateful about. You taught me life, you taught me everything I need to know. Not only taught, but showed me. You're exceptional. I get to think all the things you've done for me. Too much for me to give you back. Though you might can't get me the moon, but I've got your love. Instead, I want so much to get the moon for you. but I know it's not that easy, but I try anyway. I'm glad I was and am able to do those little things for you. I'm profoundly grateful, though it's not enough, though it can't be compared to what you've done. Anyway, I always miss our old times. I miss everything. I put a blame to universe! How on earth this world need to spin? What I miss the most is how I often hugged your tummy all the time even in front of people. How come I’ve never showed this affection and intimacy to you for all these couple years? Not that I’m too shy, because I’ve been so stress out lately with all the things I’m doing. And you know what? I’ll change to who I used to be. I'll hug you more.

Uncle, you’re always a daddy to me. Everything you taught me, showed me, manifest me, shaped me to the person I am today. Your strong and firm, yet sweet personality. You know how much I want to duplicate you? I’ve been waiting for the person like you to show up, but I know there’s no such a miracle. Maybe he did show up and it was all like a magic, but you know what? Everything never happened according to plan. And with this, I learned how to acknowledge the facts and the qualities and love and all. And I think I should stop waiting the person like you anymore. Because I think I should love him for being him from my heart, not because he's like you or he has the same qualities and personalities like you. But all I merely want to say is: without warning, I tried to look for YOU in my man-to-be. And that was silly! LOL

So you both are a role model to me. You play the most important role in my life.

I'm blessed.

You were there for summer dreaming, And you gave me what I need.

Listening to: Robbie Williams
Mood: Sentimentally great! LOL

Tonight is exceptional.
I'm half way with "Shanghai Girls" by Lisa See I got from SR few days ago. Unusually, on the way back on bus from SR, I missed my younger sister terribly. And now again,.But this time, I get to think all those things we fight over at day and sleep by hugging each other at night.

All right, I think this time is another random post:

1 - Sometimes, like this time, I come across at the thought of the things I want to make in my old age, besides getting married and have kids. A woman in me has this secret dream. I love vintage. I love home-made. Last time I told mum and she laughed at it. Because I told her I want to be a fine cook; I want to make vintage cotton dresses; knitting and I want to make those handmade stuffs (Which I can create a small clubs for women). Because I’m worst at cooking, and plus I don’t really know how to make dress, except I used to make my Dolls some clothes when I was little. LOL. Or is it just a fad? But I'm sure it's my passion. BUT I have another dream. This dream was inspired by someone I like. He said he plans to run a Manga café, where there are coffees to drink, books to buy and books to read for free. I always miss how I argued him over it. LOL. Well, if there’s a Manga café first open in Cambodia, I’m sure it’s his.

2 - I surprised mum, just like how she surprised me. The worst thing is she’s been keeping on at me about marriage. It really hurts my ears. But last time, I told her “What do you think if I plan to be single and live my life alone? I could adopt a child or buy a sperm? What if I learned to be a good cook, make those vintage cotton clothes, and handmade stuffs? Isn’t that interesting?” She jumped and said, “SILLY!” LOL. Well, I know that won’t be happened. Nonetheless, honestly, I somehow really think about it.

3 - I get to think that how I like fighting with mum and like doing what mum hate, but there are time we’re really a team! LOL. Is it because of two Dragons in a house? There’s always harmony and clash at the same time? Which is why there’s Mouse who calm us down! LOL. I don’t want to count my Monkey and my little Pig in! All right, too much of Chinese Zodiac, perhaps, because of Lisa See’s books. LOL.

4 - I tempt to make my room like these pictures below. I prefer small bed, or maybe no need of bed, just two mattresses placed on one other to create the height, that’s enough. Because I like it better to be on the floor, esp when sitting and lean on mattress. And yeah, a small book shelf with warm light and my books filled in, along with some photographs. Maybe I could have a Telly, DVDs player, small closet and a vertical mirror, that’s all I need. It’s not a perfect one, or it's closed to a messy, but it looks comfy and cozy yet privacy and so individual and so personal to me. At least, it’s much better than mine nowadays! LOL.(Oh, anyway, I just noticed myself that I tend to sleep on the edge of the bed. I thought, at home, because I have many stuffs on bed but no, even I sleep on big one and have nothing at all, I still sleep on the edge. Anything can say about it? LOL.)


4 - I finished Shopaholic & Sister by Sophie Kinsella last month and I really love the last part when Becky and Jess reconciled. The point is I get to understand clearly about passion! And the compromising between two opposite individual’s personalities.

Real Passion: It’s much like obsession. Compulsion. Mania. Whatever. you name it! Nobody knows and understands us better than we do. Nothing can stop us from our determination. We could risk everything for our Passion. Take Becky and Jess for example, Becky could risk everything and bring herself into trouble just to get a pair of shoes while Jess would risk her own life for rocks.

Understanding & Compromising: We should learn to give in and accept our difference. I acknowledge that, for instance, Black is the opposite of White. Up is the opposite of Down. So, is Good the opposite of Bad? Not necessarily. Just an abstract concepts. What if you are a fan of heavy metal music and you are obliged to attend a performance of an opera? To you, perhaps, could seem like a kind of punishment. And what if you like something that someone else detests? The key to success involves understanding why someone else thinks something is good, even if you don't agree.

6 - STILL desperately want to know how to play guitar!!!! LOL


Buddha, I wrote very long. Sorrriiiiiii...
Good night.

Being in Dec

All friends and people I love are born in December.
All inspired thought come through my head in December.

Think I have too much update recently. But who cares? I just want to write as I got nothing much to do. So I now try to come up with something to do, which I don’t know now, or maybe a little while later, I will figure out, hopefully.

It’s utterly restless when I don’t have something to keep myself busy, besides reading book and e-book. It’s not an easy feeling when you live your everyday doing nothing like this. That's suck.

But I have plenty of times to have a lot of talk with my family. Isn’t it nice? At home, there’s a load of thoughts pop up in mind and we do talk a lot about career-education-finance and marriage. Oh yes, marriage. It’s such a heat topic in my family forum now. HEAT.

I think I'm so alone after all. I thought I'm not. But no. Not anymore. Or is this just what stirring inside me? I don't know. I don't put this blame to people I care. I think it's all happening inside of me. The within battle.

But I'm really tired of listening to people. I wish I was a deaf. So we don't need to do listening things. And what If I cannot speak at all? So that I don't need to do talking thing. So that I can keep my big mouth shut. Not to spill any secret. Not to talk too much and all. And all I have to do, perhaps, is writing letters. You know, as far as I think, non-verbal communication might does the best job of expressing.

Okay, I guess I need a correspondent now who I can write to and who is good at keeping secrets. lolzz Isn't it nice if we have someone we can write letter back and forth?

Btw, I have number of books I tempt to finish and sure enough I can’t finish by the end of this December. Maybe because they’re mostly E-books. No afford for paper books. lolz. Suck.

Oh, there's two books which are highly recommended which I'm currently reading.

1- Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
2- Secret About Life by Barbara De Angelis

---

December

---

Hihihi December!

You know what it comes to my mind knowing it’s December? Yeah, Alvin and The Chipmunks song suddenly pop up in my head, “Christmas Christmas time is near, time for joy and time for cheer!...” Okay, not that I’m into Christmas-thingy nor I’m a Christian, but just I used to have fun on Christmas last two year. And what I know about the true meaning of Christmas is time for LOVE.

Okay, that’s enough about Christmas.

I love December anyway.

Not because it’s great month of all. No. Just that December has constantly been a recovering month, or at least, to put it more correctly, it’s a month of struggling. Like last 2 years, I was in the middle of painful situation and trouble which I had to choose whether to give up or go for it, but then everything is fine when I end it by giving up. The reason? I don’t want to be a burden on someone’s life. I was told, "Don't quit. You have wasted a lot of time and energy for it." But no, I finally chose to quit! And here I am! In middle of other trouble.

I suddenly realized, "Oh well, trouble has no its end!"

Last year, I’ve also learned another inch to become a human being. And this year, yep, I think I’ve grown another inch and figured out a ton of things as well as a lot of mistake I made which I have to look at and correct. Well, at least, isn’t it for the best I can be as a human being, though I don’t like the progress at all. But I honor them anyway.

On top of that, I learn a lot from people. All the negative points I noticed and I try to balance myself not to be like one, while I’m having many to be figured out. It’s not that easy to scan our mistakes or any negative points of ourselves every minute. We can’t be imperfect. We really can’t. But I’m just restless. I just want everything fine. But it’s not as what I thought. Is it wrong to view this world in good way? I was told I’m too much to see this world full of roses. And there’s a voice keep bugging me, “Come on, live in reality, girl! Not in your own world!”

Well, whatever!

So now, I’m utterly inspired by a book, but still haven’t finished yet. A book which help me prepare to lift my spiritual growth. People seek how to develop their power their fame their popularity as I’m seeking to grow my spirit to be happy within myself, to avoid all suffering. Okay, I can’t be like Buddha after all. But at least, to save me from a number of suffering.

Like right now, I’m still in suffering! No, I’m actually recovering. Though I don’t have a chance to clear it up. Though It’s such a mess. But at least, it's not that tense. But I know everything can't be back like it was. A great bond of sisterhood.

Well, whatever! I won't go into the detail.

But I've committed myself to pretend that all is fine. How did I get on? Did everything that wasn't fine, suddenly become fine, just through the strength of pretense? I thought sometimes when we draw a veil over an issue that we would prefer not to look at or think about, we store up trouble for later. Sometimes too, though, we simply save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary worry. If we have been easily able to ignore a situation, the chances are that we are safe to leave it a while longer. If not, we had best look at it again.

Still, there’s something I learn from this situation. Learn to be patient. Learn to pretend. Learn to remain myself. Moreover, Learn from that certain person that I won’t take everything as assumption, I won’t try to analyze someone or any situation, I will still keep the thought that there’s always a certain reason behind everything. Okay, I still keep my positive thought.

So people come to your life to teach you something. And here, a phrase I keep on my mobile display every time:

“What has this person been sent to teach me? What quality am I lacking in this moment that is making me suffer? Patience? Tolerance? Or else? Ok, I don’t have to react. I can remain centered.”

Don't you think it's nice to remember?
It's a good way to keep myself in control. At least, for me.

So..

By the way, Happy Birthday to J.Nha


To an old woman who is such a dear sister to me. lolz
To her who barely talk her heart out, but I see her wear her heart upon her sleeve.
To her who I rarely have time for her, and her who doesn't even have time for me, but we run to each other when we have trouble.
To her who has a really good heart for everyone.
To her whom we have such memory together.

To her who I love.

All well-wishing go to you J.Nha. Hope your dream are fulfilled. But don't forget me or you will die!

back for blog

Think I don't have much update for two months. And now here I am, sitting and think about writing this and that again. I like to think that writing blog is like talking to an old friend. Alright, that's it.

So..... Now I'm back to home. My comfort zone. My place where I can sleep like forever. Here, this morning, I woke up, but not got up and just keep rolling back and forth on bed with top list of old music from my ipod, thinking about nothing but singing. Knowing it’s Saturday, I didn’t want to get up at all. Regardless, I felt like crying again, thinking about what had happened. Those confusing things.

I have kept asking myself, “Oh snap! Why is this happening to me? It doesn’t make sense at all! I HATE THIS” But well, I’ve chosen to make decision about where I stand on the issue, right from the start. I've chosen to do what Dad told me which is what I’ve been thinking it’s the best yet reasonable decision. I think If people or maybe life doesn’t make sense, I should try to make it sense.

I used to read a book of Barbara De Angelis which I forget the title, which, as far as I can gather, has been said, “You have to let go of something to attract something new!” And I’ve tried to let go of what I’m holding. I've stepped from the world of me, hope for better in one way or another. And yeah, I was so excited and happy about the opportunity the universe had given me, but I was pretty sure, shit will be happen. Just like what I recalled in the book, “When things are too comfortable for you and make you happy in the moment, sooner or later, things will be stirred up! And whether you decide to be surrender or resist with it, it’s your decision. ti’s what called LIFE! Challenge with it!” And well, the next thing I know, It's stirring me up. IT’S HAPPENING! And It’s a lot more than worst.

Okay, whatever, like I said above, I’ve chosen the place to stand on this issue. I can’t just think about anything right now. I can't think about starting school, because of finance crisis. I can’t just think about the relationship which I have to decide whether I should give it a chance or not. I have no focus at this NOW moment. I need more time. Being in a relationship is more than just, "Well, let's go out. let's hang out. let's this and that." No. At least, for me. It's much more than spending time together. It's more like understand, be opened, know and accept the best and wost of each other. It's more like you want to run to him when you're in trouble just like when you run to your parent. It's more like you know you have somebody to share your story and your daily life with. It's more like he will listen to you and sometimes he doesn't need to give you advice or anything when shit happen to you. Oh well!

Well, that’s how it's done. That's how I'm still single. Hahahaha

Anyway, it’s a better-than-worst day. I could feel right from the time I slept last night. I start enjoying my books again every night. like, I’ve done with “Norwegian Wood” by Haruki Murakami and now I’m on, “For One More Day” by Mitch Albom which Nathary lend it to me for months already. Hahahahahhaha Now I think about having evening out some days with Nathary again. I'll make time for it. Try to be content and enjoy life rather than just focus on that thing.

So today, right now I’m in office, and planning to go for a nice walk at Stadium to catch some fresh air this evening.

I only hope for things to be started looking up from next month. Really look forward to know what life has in store for me.

Silence has its use

Right now, I’m not in mood of music like I’m always, but silence. Because I keep thinking about the shadow of a girl who entered my office, my co-worker told me about a moment ago, which make me goosebumps sometimes, and because I keep sneezing which I lost the counts and I wanna be silent just to listen to the sound I sneeze, sneeze and sneeze and the rings of remembering running in and out mind right now. Because of the silence itself has brought me a lot of things to think about, just to forget about the ghost things at this late hour, which make me push aside my works I’m doing. So right now I’m thinking about:

- My inspirations.
- My two-bit determinations.
- About how I really want to try new recipes at home.
- About how much I want to bring to grandma to my uncle's house to visit her little grand-daughter .
- About how much I want to cleanse my room and my closet.
- About topic of marriage we always had on table at home, which I want to talk about it over and over again, which I want to make them understand about me.
- About my past experience which make me become who I am.
- About all the encouragements I’ve got from my beloved ones that I should be a person to be proud of.
- About everyone who so much always care about me, but I’m careless about them. About people who I care the most, but she doesn’t really do and I have to commit to be selfish at time. Because I’m leaning to care about myself, and care about people who care about me.
- About a dear sister’s wedding next month. About how much I want to help her.
- About some old people whom I do respect and some old people I’ve just met. They are great.
- About a dearest sister who is going back to State this 29th and I just hung out with her only one time since I’ve been busy with my own stuffs.
- About my family who I hardly see their faces since I’ve always offed from home from dawn to dark, from Monday till Sunday and every time I reached home at night, I have to be in room to do my translations.
- About a dearest sister who I hardly make her talk her heart out about what she has and hides in mind, what the troubles she’s facing nowadays.
- About my peers who gave up sms or called me because I’ve rarely replied and they said it’s hard just to meet me. As in fact, I missed them and I just... Well, I have no idea either. I think I want to tell them to keep in mind that this does not indicate that I'm growing apart; it's just that I need a lot more personal space now than usual. Because I have special opportunity to learn something about who I am if I can find some time to be by myself.
- About my very very old and closest friend from primary school who always gives me hundred missed calls every night and day, even every times he goes to his loo at night, he also gave me a ring just to bother my sleep and just to let me know he’s doing his loo. And I so much want to kick his ass for bothering me. I wanna spend time to talk with him about his girlfriend, about every fun things and the things to share. I want to bring him to have his hair-cut and nag about how awful he is with his so-gay hairstyle, and so much I want to have a very loud talk and argument and laughter with him, which always make my throat turn dried.
- About my long lost kindergarten friend from CCF, who just called a week ago, to meet up this week, but I completely forgot.
- About many new people whom I haven't met and want to meet and have fun time with.
- About the things I would regret just because of what I am doing.
- About many stacked-up things I have in my head to write about, but I can’t, and I’m afraid I forget.
- About people who I didn't know I hurt them, but knowing that is not my faults at all. So they hurt themselves.
- About many things to think about, which are not tangible, which I’ve forgotten just now.
And
About how to manage all of these...

Blink Blink... Crummy Eyes...

Some determinations are failed. No. They are not. They are just meant to be failed. Obviously, they are stricken out.

1- Read more. [But at least I've done with Shopaholic & Baby! teehee]
2- Cut down drinking coffee and junk foods.
2- Cut back on expense.

I've been sitting at desk with many freaking works to do, mails to be sent, approvals to be confirmed. But now I'm doing nothing. I'm writing this post instead, just to moan my blah blah bitty blah. RIGHT NOW, I'm in mood of going out and enjoy seeing the world outside since I've been only staying in office and home. But haha, I'm going to have VN lunch at Derm Champa with Bong Bong soon and gonna hang around for hours, then get back to stick with those papers till 8pm or 9pm I guess. Denith informed me that all 5steps members are going to gather tomorrow at 5h30pm at Sovanna. And I missed it again. Sorry.

There are works at office needed to be finalized and new to be started. At home, there are some translations to be finished as it due and NOW a new 30 pages comes again! Oh man, phew! phew! How could I possibly finish it by deadline? They come together at once and I don't know how to make time out of it. But that's not the problem at all, the major thing is MY CRUMMY EYES ARE IN A BAD SITUATION. I don't know how to soothe it away.

It makes me get to feel how hard Pa used to be. How he cannot be able to read the book he wants. This is how health plays the important role for any human life. Now it's getting to happen to me, so he strictly and firmly said, "No reading, no staying long time in front of computer! Esp. NO READING! If you don't want to live yourself with regret!"

I frequently have to squeeze my eyes very hard. And most of time, I blink, blink and blink. Spontaneously. I didn't notice, but they did, even my both brothers. They said it's gonna become my bad habit of keeping blinking all the time. They said I look so STUPID, like a real nerd, when I blink my eyes so often. But what can I do? If I don't, I hardly keep my eyes open.

This time Pa is really serious about my eyes. He also said, "You also cannot start your school too! It's OK, you can suspend it more months. Just try to relax your eyes before it's TOO LATE! Don't be like ME! Btw, when will you be able to see doctor again? Must be this weekend! No later than sooner!" and I said, "Umm, soon, I guess! Look, I have a lot of works to do as well as those translations. So maybe on 1st?", he said, "I'm SURE you WILL SAY this, you will say you need to finish your work due to deadline and all that jazz! And Why don't just deny to do those translation?", I tried to find a reasonable excuse, but there's no use, so I ended up by saying, "Yeah, I suppose. It's the end of the week already; as you know, I have to finalize those works. And those translation, I've accepted it already. I didn't want to get those works too, but I just want to learn, you know? Try to translate as much as I can. who know? your daughter would become a professional one someday, though I don't like!", He said, "It's up to you. But tell you again, be aware of it, otherwise, you will regret for the rest of you life. And one more thing, it doesn't take you more than 1 hour to see doctor, does it? No more excuse, let's go this Sunday!" I opened my mouth to object but then closed. I knew that my Jom tors kmean proseth pheap!

Well, you cannot neither come up with any excuse with your Dad nor your Mum. Because the problem is, for the best or worst of you, they KNOW you very CLEARLY.

Ai, Gotta go now.

Dash it all!

It's been a crazy time. It's been a time I've found myself in utter madness. At workplace, I've burned all my burdens in the fireplace where it's on my frowning-face. Think I've been changed too much to be someone who is not exactly me. I hate this fact of my self-altering. It's utterly aging me. It's extremely overwhelming me to death.

People, people, why are you such crazy? Why do you need to be such creep? Why do you need to be such dramatic? Why do you need to be such bluff? Why do you need to take advantage of one another? Why do you need to be such people who know only your own need? Why do you need to be a Saint while you are a real devil? Why? Why? Oh, how I do hate such people like this!!!

But just took a look at Weekend Horoscope this early morning and found that it’s partly so right!

- Pisces Horoscope Weekly of 23rd-29th March ...

A week for introspection. This is time to take a pause, look behind, and assess your progress. Take a break and analyze the things happened earlier and make necessary adjustments to create harmony. The things may not be like that as you want. So avoid being pushy or to impose your thoughts on others. At job, your spirit is high. However, your running high-energy may spoil the things. You are advised to focus your energy in the right direction with patience. Success will be yours. Seniors are cooperative but result oriented.

Financially, it is time to make adjustments as the things may not go according to plan. Sudden expenses may make you thoughtful. It will be difficult to avert your expenditures. It is also suggested to take care against loss or theft.

Domestic peace will prevail. You will like to give a new comfortable look to your home now. Decorating it with plants and greenery around will make you feel high. Romance will be eclipsed due to other factors of life. If single, then this week is positive for searching a right partner for you. Avoid being eager as it will spoil the things proceed into right manner. You will have a remarkable opportunity to meet new romantic partners. Even though you will be at home a bit more than usual, the time you will spend socializing seems to be highly productive.

And Horoscope for today is...

You'll have to call someone's bluff. If you don't have full knowledge of some issue and you're behind the eight ball you mustn't cringe when someone tries to overpower you in conversation. You don't necessarily have to have all the facts at your fingertips to win the battle. Postpone the discussion and return to the negotiating table armed with better information.

Enjoy yourself and the people around you, just take care not to take anyone or even yourself too seriously right now, it's more a energy of play and adventure rather than seriousness and commitment.

It's done at last!

It’s been a very super busy and tough but yet fun time. My brain indeed got super tightly frizzed. I was like a very busy bee [my co-workers too]. Ha-ha. When reaching home, I didn’t want to do anything but jump in to bathroom and crawl to sleep OR just collapse on bed for a while before hopping for shower. Most of time, when I lie my head on pillow, I realized that I used my brain too much today. The cause is my brain is so weak. Lolz. Ka Bun told me to book a mental hospital after it is done. But I think he needs to book one first. Ha-ha.

I need help this time. Any tips to save my memory??? I’m so forgetful! I'm super L! Super Lop!

Working on this field for tree years, has been a strange time for me – I mean, I’m a girl! A single one who is an inexperience one, but must try to understand everything, especially the embarrassing thing, it has been rather… eye-opening! But I have to admit, I’ve learned quite a lot in this processing time. And everything has become a very usual thing to me. And now working on guy's issues is another super big eye-opening for me.

I hope I can work on young stuffs. You know that is pretty much I want.

Pretty nice and whole-life breakfast and dinner! Everybody might claim that "Oh no, I would die if I have it everyday!" But not me! Weeee

But last night, when I was about to eat this instant noodle, I almost cried!

----

All, right... Everything is just done a moment ago, but I can't get a very nice sleep tonight like I expected. I have to finish other things by TONIGHT!

A Quick Note

“From the moment we wake up until the time we go to bed, most of us have an overwhelming number of things to do everyday, at home, at school, at work. We have to go at a hurried pace just to get everything done, and sometimes we feel that we have too much to handle and our lives are getting out of our control. We get home tired, stressed out and worried about the things we failed to do and all the other things that we have yet to do the next day.”

A quote from a book called “Getting Things Done” by David Allen. I think I can have this book summery to read by Chinese New Year’s day. It impressed me by the title. And I’m going to post this book summery too. But nowadays, I'm super freaking busy!!! :(

P.S. I don't know where my phone is now... It's been missing and I don't care to find it too. I'm gonna get back the call after I find it.

Spring the winter

I'm not sure if we call it winter or else. But It's so cold for these few days and it reminds me everything in Ca... my bed, my sleeping bag, my cozy blanket, my jacket, my socks.... Missing it!

Btw, mum told that Jan is the coldest month in Cambodia. My lips dry, no wonder it's gonna be flake off, but however, I try my best to apply Chapstick and Petroleum everyday. The reason is when it flakes off, it's too paintful which is a real bummer. My skin looks so dull and super dry. But I won't be a bit nail-biting for that.

Nonetheless, I'd enjoy the breezy-coldy days rather than being stufled with stuffy-hotty weather!

So here, I spring the winter with the plant!!!
Weehee