It has been quite a while...

... and it has been the moments of discovery that leave me gawking at how little I am in this world that is at once unfamiliar, big and scary and magnificent. I want to be who I used to be. That brave girl who is rabbit-headed and dragon-hearted in the face of uncertainty. I want to bet against the odds and to believe that there is more magic than fear in the unknown. I want to prove no one but myself. Above all, I want two hands to shape my dreams (our dreams) and two feet to take me there. Knowing that I've already grabbed by the waist by the most important and solid person in my life, I should fear no more. I know I'm not losing my way when I am with you. 

Hold On

It's going to be my song for a while.

I miss us.

I miss all the craziness and silliness we shared.
I miss all the times we had just to talk, laugh, play, sing the songs and all that jazz.



It seems like yesterday.

Dreary October

I was anxious not to get things go, but then I tried to do.

I was anxious to be understood but I tried hard not to resent those who don't.

I was anxious for things to go my way when I wanted them to, but I took a breath and a big step back and tried to seek patience instead.

I was anxious to be loved unconditionally but I tried not to let that stop me from loving others and hard.

I was/am anxious to be happy with who I am, right here, right now, but I tried/try to give myself a break and just be happy.

That's what I've been trying. hard.



Now I'm aiming to set my eyes on my going-to-be everyday in the near future on taking in the moments and then letting them go; on forming few attachments, except to the ones who rock my world; on being thankful at the end of each day that I'd make it through and have enough leftover to live.

This October is going to be the most depressive and dreary month that I'm going to remember. Because I can't keep promise to myself to this post anymore.

Let's end it all here. October.
Say hello to my new chapter in the fresh November, which I wonder what it's going to have in store, especially without a single plan and goal at all.

I just need some inspiration

At the moment, I am craving that inward inspiration that gets me to just breathe and just be.

Taken from Eating Animal, Jonathan Safran Foer.

It’s been a while.

Of late, I have been restless and my hands, like a pair of conspiratorial malcontents, fidgety with dissatisfaction with... what? Maybe it’s the constant waiting and waiting for a whole bunch of things to happen.

I miss the feeling of certainty, of being anchored in something solid; I miss knowing. I miss being sure of where I’m supposed to be... I miss believing in the possibility of dreams. I miss taking pleasure in simple things. I miss looking in the mirror and not feeling like a stranger.

So my dad becomes my only bestfriend now...

... whom, when the morning comes and when the day's done, I would go and crawl next to him and babbling on how my days was like.

when i become a mommy....

When I become a mommy to a little girl, I’ll tied her hair up with a crochet flower hairpin, dress her in a short flower swirly skirt with a white cotton spaghetti strap blouse and a pair of ballerina shoes, then we’ll go on road trip to find out why birds live in trees, butterflies can fly and what makes blue skies blue.

And when I become a mommy to a little boy, I'll dress him in a knee-length khaki jean with a white T-shirts, a pair of sneakers and a cap, then we'll go on adventure to find out why the mountains are high, the lakes are wide and what makes blue oceans blue.

The remain of the day.

Maybe it's beyond what you expect.
The impossible expectation you yearn for after a long tiring day.




I've finally traveled 24 provinces and I'm proud of it.

During my travels, I fell in love often with countryside, esp. BTB where I could see beautiful clouds move back and forth; PL where you could never tired to enjoy the bluest sky on the summer day; MDKR where you can find the most greenest place for a better escape; RTNKR where you can see the most beautiful stars, and sky; KCG, the most peaceful place I once I think might end up there at my very old age... etc.

And maybe there's one noisiest, muddiest, and stressful place where you chase your life for life, but then, and the end of the day, if you could find something less stressful, but yet beautiful and romantic, that would be the best warming moment of the days. Like a quote from a book below:

"Beyond the wall that marked the end of the terrace, I could see for miles around the windows and back yards of the neighboring properties. A lot of the windows were lit, and the ones in the distance, if you narrowed your eyes, looked almost like an extension of the stars. This roof terrace wasn't large, but there was definitely something romantic about it. You could imagine a couple, in the midst of busy city lives, coming out here on a warm evening and strolling around the potted shrubs, in each other's arms, swapping stories about their day."

I particularly like the last line.

And for some reason, I'm stricken by this picture. It's taken on the 32th floor of Canadia Tower. I've never seen something like on the day time with my naked eyes, except the last 3 years I was on the plane. But it's definitely something else I utterly fell about it. Because I see it with a feeling. Because right now, it gives me a glimpse to remind me how life eat me up from the inside with my everyday stress and strain.

Last 3 years, it was the beginning, it's hard to see everything with my true feeling.
And today, I have plenty of times to be torn in between, to shout, to scream out loud and to tell what I've been feeling and how my days look like.

And that's SUCK!

I smile and shake my head, well we all write our own endings and we all have our own scars, but tonight I think I see what it's all about.

And I'm not gonna write it down. I'm saving them in my head.

Below is just some craps I want to get it off a little bit, which there are two things I'm really obsessed about:

1- Marriage & Pregnancy & Babies. I'm incredibly obsessed with it. Not because I want to get married, but I want to feel how it is to have a small living creature inside my tummy and how it is and how stress it is to be a master of everything with the new life. I want a change, really. I'm dying to experience it. Esp, when working on a new project related to it, I'm all for it. Anyway, so how to have baby without getting marriage? Single mom, i mean? Which is very INSANE, I know.

2- Health. Be aware of your well-being. Seek balance. We can't do anything without having a good health and I just realized it's very, very, and very important. So take a good care of yourself. Do regular check-up. Disease is everywhere and Stress is the worst of all in this new generation which lead to other illness. So, don't overwork yourself. Limit. Less ambition. Be Content. It's not fun when you're sick.

Anyway.

Homecoming by Vienna Teng.

This girl is really something. Epic.
After a long tiresome day, her songs calm my nerves.
And I'm feeling this beautiful song.

I just want to
be living as I'm dying
just like everybody here
just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment every mile

How far do I have to go to get to you...

My birthday was 3 days ago. So I’m 23 turning to 24. I don’t like the number, I tell you. heehee... Will anyone care to tell me how it was like being 24, 25 and 26? I want to know. I wish I could have done something I want to do, but well, I’ve now grown addicted to the things I’m doing. It’s non-stop and there’s no point of turning back. And I care no more.

Well, nothing comes out from my losing brain. And I feel like everything around me is losing but I tempt to get attached with the current busy life. It’s been years I said it a lot to my people, “Sorry, I’m busy” which concerns me that I might end up living in this life forever which I don’t want to. Because I want to see the light until I reach the end of the tunnel. I’m still walking in it. No light. And. Pretty dark. When I bump into something, like wall and it hurts a lot, but there’s nothing I can do but keep walking and finding ways. It’s pretty sick.

Despite of everything, people do have some moments for themselves.
So I still have fun and lovely times and happiness.

What has in store for me this year? I don’t know. But I want to achieve the things I’m trying to do. I’ve never achieved anything in life, but knowing I’m trying my best, I still want to do more and know more and learn more and fail more and hurt more and hope more and especially, love more. I want to experience all those things a person who I’m looking up to goes through.

And I love these songs a lot.

*** At KGC for works and family matters. Right now, I think a lot about my dad, my uncle, and my bestie.

Good morning, yesterday.

I woke up by the chill of the wind, but I kept sleeping. Then again I woke up by the ring of the phones. GREAT. I hate that part. Everyday. Even though, I wanted so much to sleep like I didn't need to care if there were a crisis out there. Okay, like it or not, I had to get up.

Taken at Pailin. Chet stole its seeds for me. Now it's growing.

Yesterday and the day after yesterday, I wanted so much to let the mountain off my chest. I was throbbing with those pains. I wanted to let those out as much as possible. I got to understand why people usually say ‘It’s hard to breathe in here.’ I experienced it twice. And I was like, 'Somebody kill me please!'

So I just need someone to talk with and to let it out. But then I ended up being a listener instead. GREAT again. Alright, never mind. I barely bring myself to speak what my mind want to. I barely pin it down, let alone to to speak it out. Plus, whenever I started talking about my bummer or so, I often feel like 'Crappy crap! Cut it out! It's pretty much boring! Not that person want to hear your story as you want to hear theirs!'

Okay, maybe this is the reason why I'm always a listener.

So, out of blue, yesterday, after I got home, I determined on coming up with some tools of inspiration, but then I failed it. Because every minute I tried to make sense of everything, I was totally overwhelmed. Because I felt as though, if things didn’t ease up soon, I will just blow a fuse. Okay. I did it many time already.

But, suddenly I thought I should come up with something better to cope with. To give it a go, I need to lay it out on paper in order to pin it down, rather than let it slip in and out through my freaking brain.

---- Okay, not that I’ll post the list here----

Alright, after this half an hour later, I’ve done some of it. It came out well. It flew like running water. I’m amazed. I’ve never wanted to list things down and planned to keep everything in check like this. I’m no good at it. I don’t know it goes with plan, but I’ll try to follow up anyway. I need a lot of efforts. But if I fail, I’ll give it up. Because this mean I'm DEFINITELY not organized person.

So this plan will be my revolution for next year also. Some must to be started on January and some on the following months and run until June-July.

Apart from it, during the time I watch my sunflowers grow, I too determine to plant myself.
Btw, all the trips are officially canceled. Great. I've seen its coming.
But I've made another plan with my besties. Hope it will go well. Because this time, I really want to spend time with them on this New Year. I want to make it as ONE of those Times Of My Life also.

And this song is on top of my playlist. So inspiring.

progress, changing, growing then giving up, somehow we're never quite prepared...

But there are time you have to slow it down a little bit. Just a little bit. Except you don't have a chance at all. You're just being pushed through after all.

You know all along that you don’t rush through this life of yours.

But it goes too fast on its own and somehow you don’t really realize until some days.

There is just so much that you should not be missed… the really important stuffs.
And it’s really beautiful and peaceful.

This world will survive without you running around like a mad woman, checking things off your
to-do / to-fix / to-organize / to-control / to-succeed / to-accomplish/ to-take-care-of-everyone / to-blah-blah list, which rule your days.

And with this, you don’t feel the-old-you anymore. You don't feel what you felt anymore.
And all you want to do is to untick this list and hit "less-stress and happiness" button.
But, if we think about it for a second, it doesn't look like you're alone after all. People in this world is running around like mad to get those check list done. So, the question is, are we in common ground? Yes, we are.
Hence, what's the point to whine about?

when September ends...

… and knowing that October will come. The months which held the best memories I’ve ever had. Sweet and bitter. Best and worst. In-between September and October in last 3 years.

...last 3 years, I found my path of true self through many tough decisions and through a journey of disbelief. And this tough journey made me a person I am today.

...last couple years, no matter how, I’m so grateful, so loved, so amazed by how fate brought a very nice person to me... embraced by my uncle's personalities. But thinking I don't deserve him and i didn't know how to love, I just run away.

...last year, I was in a very new journey in finding pieces of my true self. Though I was not confident enough, though I was not sure if I chose the right path, but it’s what I chose and I have to face it. At least, I was lucky enough to make decision; to go for it and to be responsible for it. However, I just want to be encouraged that I've done the best I could.

...this year, what can I put it? it hasn't ended yet. but my only wishes are to meet up with people I wanted to meet. I want to feel my progress. I want to spend more time with family.

Just realized how I love Sep-Oct after all these year.

been there, done that…

taken on the way to Kampot

Pretty much there's a feeling of enjoyment out of nowhere, but inside me.
Because of the current shot I'm in.
Because of where I've been and what I've done.
And I seem to pay less attention to whom I'm with.

There's a warn...
I was told I'm being missed.
I was told I'm like a thousand mile away.
I was told if I could give a little time for people I've never had time for.
I was told to think about who I'm with while I'm doing it.

pathetic

Listen to: Diane Birch
Mood: Not that great. I know what I feel. I'm just not sure whether I really ought to be feeling it.
Do you think human being is pathetic?
Out of blue, regarding with human being, the closer I look, the more I find it very pathetic.

Taken at Prek Kampi, Kratie

with hope and faith.

with expectation.

with everything we greed about.

with silly and absurd ideas we make up.

with craziness we can’t get it over with.

with vulnerabilities we're unable to show.

with all the sadness we're unable to let it go.

with those happiness we unable to hold a bit longer.

with emotional existences we allow ourselves to sleep in.

with stupid ideas for others’ attention.

with those scenes and we have to play our parts.

with every pretending we simulate.

with our anxiety that stir our serenity.

with inabilities to be consoled or comforted when in doom and gloom.

with all those surge of feeling we struggle to fight.

with strength and courage that take a hell out of us to muster.

with those weaknesses we can’t figure out.

with all the strong parts we exert a great deal of force and effort to grow.

with those fortuitous coincidences in commotion.

with those ignorance we need a hell of time and experience to get rid of.

with other person’s love to fulfill our happiness.

with being unable to be contented in within by ourselves, but others.

with etc… etc… etc you name it.

most of all, with all the reasons why we are to be alive.

But what to make it more pathetic is, even though, we acknowledge those facts, we don’t seem to know how to chase it away.

---

In any event…

I haven't written for long enough to drop one post.

… and July has came to sweep June away and it went faster than superman, the events that transpired just last month seem vague and unreal to me. Perhaps because there are many things I’ve came across and many relentless thoughts that have kept occupying my head. But I'm glad I'm getting busier and experience more.

Well, it'll be a year soon that I've been in my current job - a steep learning curve,that has a big impact on my behaviors in comparison to my previous job... a totally different playground, which resembled nothing, but mud.

Yet, despite of my lack of ability and capacity, I figured out of whole lots things in term of human characters. I get to understand how wild and cruel people can be... and how I choose to react/act on it and how much I expect from others. It reflects too much the very negative and weak sides of me. It reflects the very negative sides of people. I stop thinking that everyone is saint. Especially, despite of others, upon behaviors and betrayal of people I trust; care and I gave the most. That’s the shittiest things in life. Those people dug out the very worst parts of me. This is very frustrating.

In term of it, I’m getting scared… I need to feel comfort and secure ground -- in a place that is full of people who is realizable, who is serious, who is not annoying—in a place where people would tell me money & materiality is nothing.

... which make me miss my uncle. I miss how he would give me some logic on no matter what I have in my head.

However, I met a lot of men lately and it made me miss those men who have came to my life. That’s when I realized how chicken I was… how stubborn I’ve always been… and how the vision of my uncle perception and personality has greatly embraced my thought all along in view of any man.

…and anyway, in a strange way, I've missed writing. Yet the countless times I've tried to start... I'd not been able to elaborate on more than 3 sentences. Indeed, I have so much to tell, but I somehow find it hard to tell or to remember how excited, how hard it was, how new things have its great impacts on me. Uncannily, I a bit start suffering from writing blog... perhaps, I’m so caught up in the routine that I had forgotten about the simplest pleasures in my life on how I love writing blog.

Anyhow, there are some pictures, in case, you forget about me! LOL and to view more here.

... and with JULY... one of good months ever, and I expect more. And the first of all, I want to see how my both little pumpkins have grown after all months I’ve never seen them.

---LOVE---

You were there for summer dreaming, And you gave me what I need.

Listening to: Robbie Williams
Mood: Sentimentally great! LOL

Tonight is exceptional.
I'm half way with "Shanghai Girls" by Lisa See I got from SR few days ago. Unusually, on the way back on bus from SR, I missed my younger sister terribly. And now again,.But this time, I get to think all those things we fight over at day and sleep by hugging each other at night.

All right, I think this time is another random post:

1 - Sometimes, like this time, I come across at the thought of the things I want to make in my old age, besides getting married and have kids. A woman in me has this secret dream. I love vintage. I love home-made. Last time I told mum and she laughed at it. Because I told her I want to be a fine cook; I want to make vintage cotton dresses; knitting and I want to make those handmade stuffs (Which I can create a small clubs for women). Because I’m worst at cooking, and plus I don’t really know how to make dress, except I used to make my Dolls some clothes when I was little. LOL. Or is it just a fad? But I'm sure it's my passion. BUT I have another dream. This dream was inspired by someone I like. He said he plans to run a Manga café, where there are coffees to drink, books to buy and books to read for free. I always miss how I argued him over it. LOL. Well, if there’s a Manga café first open in Cambodia, I’m sure it’s his.

2 - I surprised mum, just like how she surprised me. The worst thing is she’s been keeping on at me about marriage. It really hurts my ears. But last time, I told her “What do you think if I plan to be single and live my life alone? I could adopt a child or buy a sperm? What if I learned to be a good cook, make those vintage cotton clothes, and handmade stuffs? Isn’t that interesting?” She jumped and said, “SILLY!” LOL. Well, I know that won’t be happened. Nonetheless, honestly, I somehow really think about it.

3 - I get to think that how I like fighting with mum and like doing what mum hate, but there are time we’re really a team! LOL. Is it because of two Dragons in a house? There’s always harmony and clash at the same time? Which is why there’s Mouse who calm us down! LOL. I don’t want to count my Monkey and my little Pig in! All right, too much of Chinese Zodiac, perhaps, because of Lisa See’s books. LOL.

4 - I tempt to make my room like these pictures below. I prefer small bed, or maybe no need of bed, just two mattresses placed on one other to create the height, that’s enough. Because I like it better to be on the floor, esp when sitting and lean on mattress. And yeah, a small book shelf with warm light and my books filled in, along with some photographs. Maybe I could have a Telly, DVDs player, small closet and a vertical mirror, that’s all I need. It’s not a perfect one, or it's closed to a messy, but it looks comfy and cozy yet privacy and so individual and so personal to me. At least, it’s much better than mine nowadays! LOL.(Oh, anyway, I just noticed myself that I tend to sleep on the edge of the bed. I thought, at home, because I have many stuffs on bed but no, even I sleep on big one and have nothing at all, I still sleep on the edge. Anything can say about it? LOL.)


4 - I finished Shopaholic & Sister by Sophie Kinsella last month and I really love the last part when Becky and Jess reconciled. The point is I get to understand clearly about passion! And the compromising between two opposite individual’s personalities.

Real Passion: It’s much like obsession. Compulsion. Mania. Whatever. you name it! Nobody knows and understands us better than we do. Nothing can stop us from our determination. We could risk everything for our Passion. Take Becky and Jess for example, Becky could risk everything and bring herself into trouble just to get a pair of shoes while Jess would risk her own life for rocks.

Understanding & Compromising: We should learn to give in and accept our difference. I acknowledge that, for instance, Black is the opposite of White. Up is the opposite of Down. So, is Good the opposite of Bad? Not necessarily. Just an abstract concepts. What if you are a fan of heavy metal music and you are obliged to attend a performance of an opera? To you, perhaps, could seem like a kind of punishment. And what if you like something that someone else detests? The key to success involves understanding why someone else thinks something is good, even if you don't agree.

6 - STILL desperately want to know how to play guitar!!!! LOL


Buddha, I wrote very long. Sorrriiiiiii...
Good night.

Pretend. Pretend. Pretend.

And enjoy what's good in your life.

Oops! I think I’m getting used with it.
I suppose I’ve been such a drama queen a lot in my life, in a good way though. lolz. Pretend that I never know everything. Hmmm

When it reaches the limit, I would rather leave if I found or feel that something or someone has wronged me, or if I’m at the point of frustration. It’s never easy for me to stage a confrontation, so I better leave. It’s hard for me to draw the line, because I’m so oriented toward relieving suffering in others, not creating more stress.

So I’ll see how long it’s gonna take to my limitation.

Anyway.

Finally, I feel relieved after frank conversation. I’ve been waiting for a long enough for R to be open to me. It hurts when you can’t be there for your loved one to console or to listen to her story.

Anyway.

Just back from Kratie, and thank Buddha, I didn’t have to pack my bag again for another week at provinces. The plan is prolonged, so I have some times for myself, or it might be changed overnight, who know? I don’t dare to plan anything at all, but make sure my clothes are washed for the next pack. lolz

Will post pictures later for the nice view I captured.

Anyway.

I’m glad I got 4 books during mission to Siem Reap a week ago.
I’m done with Tuesdays With Morrie during mission to Kratie few days ago, and the review will be next post. hehe

Ta-dah... Nathary? You see it right!
I got Snow Flower and The Secret Fan!!! Yay!

And this one too, Nathary! lolz

And.

I love these rings. Oh I do love it. Will think about making one for myself. A gift for myself. Maybe next year birthday? lolzz

Sleep in peace when day is done

But I couldn't.

Stress.
As hell.
Weather.
Hot as Hell.

If anyone doubt about where the hell is, I think I could give the answer now.

I wish I could affort for an air-con, while mum and dad enjoy their sky-giant air-con up on the rooftop. I tend to think what I could push Cambodia to South Pole, or Noth Pole, or maybe next to France? where I fancied I could go there once. I love those jazz songs playing while drinking hot coffee, sitting next to the mirror watching the snow fall and chit-chatting about life, or walking along the street full of lights for sightseeing with a Canon in my hand. Ok stop it!

It makes me miss my Christmas time back in SFC with K and her parents, walking along the bay, seeing people hugging and kissing, feeling the cold breeze and enjoying the nice view of city. It was amazing.

I imagine what if Cambodia has 4 seasons like most countries do? Isn't it great if we have autumn and winter here? Umm I really miss my good old day when we cuddled up all together under a blanket, watching three horror movies in a row and froze our spine through the whole damn night until the snow stopped by the morning came. Oh I miss that time. Warm-hugging a big damn thing like P is a great feeling! And his brother, H, who likes fighting with me non-stop, always tried to close my eyes and helped me not to get scared with the bloody movies.
What play boys they are! Miss' em.

I really miss those short times.
I fall in love with those cities like others do.
I enjoyed the night there.
Where we had fun...
and shared the moments.

Is it possible to feel lonely in a room full of people?

Of course!

True communication is rare. We can have lots of colleagues and companions, yet if there is no one who really understands us, our conversations will all seem empty and meaningless.

Well, it is not quantity we need; it is quality.

Deep down within, we really need a certain person who will empathise with us if we share what is really in our heart.