This is how, who and where you are right now

I start thinking about achievement that I have never thought of. Why am I just starting obsessing just now? The reason is I just found some of my certificates and my attestations that I obtained during school since I was little. I was proud of it. And I’m proud of it again just now. Mum described about how and who I was. Honestly, I could not remember at all. All I know is I was so lazy, so when Pa wanted me to do exercise on subject I hate like Math, he had to pay me some cashes if I agreed to do it, but it depended on how many score I get. 10/10 or 08/10 or 07/10, I will get pay by it. Not only by scores, I have to get like, “Très bien or Excellent” to get more money. Ha-ha. The bargain was off if I got low score. Sometimes, I have to race with my sister or my cousin to do exercise, and we did that only because of the bargain. I didn’t just get the money from my Pa, but my uncle and my Mak Yeay as well. See? I earned much from getting good scores of doing exercises, many exercises I did, many money I made. Ha-ha. I could make money since little. Heh. Money-face, right? No, it would sound better if I called it Reward instead. Yeah it was REWARD. I just realized that is how my Pa trained me to be a top student, and every thing is for my own good.

And now I’ve grown up and started looking in what I have. What I see is nothing. No more achievement. Oh, I forgot in this past three years, I was making my effort to do my work. I have set a goal in mine for doing it even though I claimed many times that I’m doing it because of the responsibility. But now I determine to improve it. I think one has to appreciate what they are doing, even though nobody does. Perhaps nobody is proud. But for me, I have become a person I’m proud of, because of what I’m doing. I’m the one who start and build it from the very beginning. At least, I’m a part of it. But a biggest obstacle is one who not makes me way. I’m gradually trying to make it better. But still I need cooperation.
I don’t like challenging. That’s not why I was born for. Unlike people who like challenging their life with others. I think I was born to create my own way and walk on my own way and there's no one I'm going to push to the side to get where I'm going. That's where I live my life peacefully. Some of people, they compete, they fight and used one another to accomplish what they want. That’s not what I appreciate. But I don’t disagree with who has their way of challenging. WE HAVE OUR OWN DIFFERENCE AND WE NEED VARIATION.

Everything which has been said above is delivered from Pa, Uncle and May Yeay who have played a very, very important role in my life. And they still do and keep doing. They shaped and plant the root of myself. They taught me a lot. One taught how to get on with life. One taught how to be more flexible and more intelligent. And one taught me how to be a good person. Not only taught, but showed me. They are every manifestation of what a good person is. And I see that. I did learn a lot from them, but from LIFE even more from these past three years. Right now, life is still an abstract concept for me, and so they are still at on my back. It doesn’t mean I want to be independent just now. No. I know I’m still dependent and I still need their advices always in most part of my life. And l do like sharing those though. But to be honest, in some case and some situation, when things goes wrong and mistakes is rising, it made me feel like a loser and a failure. They have power to make me feel like a loser and a failure and even an immature one more than anyone else does. But I have this mindset that I can be better in some way. Occasionally or eventually, I wanted to explain them why I always try not to listen and leave when they are talking about one thing, keeping on me and keeping telling off. It doesn't mean I'm no more their good listener. They can see that I still am. But the reason is because I have already chastised myself a million times for every mistake that they repeat to me. I have already yelled at myself and turned over and over in my head. Nobody makes me feel worst than myself. And now I’m looking for way or more ways to be more me. But I still share my big part with them. After all, they are the reason in everything and every decision.

And now, I have learned what it means to be a good person. At least. It means being honorable, courageous, trustworthy, dependable, reliable, honest... and part of being the person I want to be is to tell others how I feel about them. So that's what I'm initially starting doing now.

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P.S. At the moment, while I’m determining on what I’m doing, I’m trying not to obsess about the confusion. I might let it goes off this way. It is hard to pin down really. Perhaps one day, it is going to be cleared up. This confusion has mentally, emotionally and physically cost me a deal of headaches for these days. It does possibly no matter at all if the confusion is rise up between some other people, but for someone I love and respect can make me fall under the depression and my mind is obsessively so anxious and filled with the thought of this particular confusion, honest to god, it is killing me terribly. However, everything goes a little bit fine since my family is harmoniously full of peace and home is where I always can relax and relieve. Esp, I have one to understand and she is facing it with me. That’s worth.