Truth to be told, I wasn't expecting to feel like such a milestone and to have created ultimate self-confidence and my own person. Sometimes it's all about perspective. And sometime, your spouse, the universe, family or friends, or even people you just acquainted with remind you of that fact.
I guess it should have dawned on me before, but it took me some good and few bad years to really landed on me. You see, when you are in the thick, and sometimes thin, of things, it's difficult to see outside of the moment. Imagine pushing a boulder uphill. It's rare to even get a moment to stop and think about the distance you've travelled (unless you want to lose momentum and risk being crushed by that boulder.) Pictures of myself years ago feel like distant memories with all of that unravelled in between, let alone my childhood up to a quarter of one hundred year old. I feel like I don't recognize that anymore. I feel like from 2013 up until now are the only time I feel like I'm in a complete control of every inch of my life and to actually feel like I've been living life to the fullest and one hundred percent of how I want to lead, to create my own version. … to have found my own person. All of that happened not to be defined by where I came from, my background, family, culture, tradition or any social status. Zero. And that's when I know I truly am my own person and I am so free... free from all the unnecessary obligations outside myself.
I started my new life here in a new land at the same time as the building of my own, and very new relationship/marriage/partnership. A tumulus time any new couple, let alone the bonus uncertainty of starting over at a place I was a complete stranger to. Nobody could understand it's been a hard work. When I speak of hard work, this was the hardest of work. the quiet, internal works and sometimes not-so-quiet and external works. The work of discovering the lengths and strengths of my commitment, not just to my beautiful sacred marriage, but also to myself as my own individual, our dream, our visions, our goals, and at the same time, mine. Could we do it? Could we do it together? Could I do it all alone? And I think most of time, we have been doing it alone… together. And I'm still in awe how we both navigate and coordinate everything things individually but also together.
When I say that I wasn't expecting that I've accomplished quite milestones, I was underestimating the impact of actualization. During the pandemic and upon my graduation in December 2020, the overall self-confidence, and self-actualization hit me good and from that point on, I'm fully onto another phase of becoming into a person I was striving to become. Self-confidence is one of the most accomplishments I'm most proud of. It is not something you build overnight, or something you rely upon (materials; social status, family, background... etc), but it's something that you proudly wear, it's the courage, the attitude of knowing your worth, knowing your capability, not willing to compromise or negotiate for anything less than you are worth for... the attitude of walking into a store, but not feeling like you owe it, but own it (not in a rude way though)… kind of confidence.
For the first time of my life, I can stop and to actually be proud of myself for doing all the necessary works for 9 years alone in order to grow into a person (and there are many more for years to come!) I can be really proud of and have made some positive impacts along the way. When you really live like you don't have a safety net to fall into, you live and build the confidence that comes from your only strength, not from all the fluffs (materials, social status, approval from others… you name it.) Because when you strip off all the things of you, what is left of you, ask yourself, can you still be proud of yourself? Can you still and truly survive on your very own? Can you be confident with yourself when it's all taken away from you? Can you stand alone? Can you truly stand alone knowing that nobody is going to catch you when you fall and you don't want anybody to catch you when you fall? Can you lay your own ground, your own foundation knowing that you don't want to rely on anyone, or any social connection you may have, so that you can catch yourself when you fall instead? Can you?
The only way you can do all of that yourself, you have to do a lot of necessary works by yourself to earn that kind of strength and self-confidence and create your very own person.
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