nothing or something

Happy Birthday, Love!

2012-01-27T16:29:00.000+07:00

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

2012-01-25T13:41:00.009+07:00

The year of Dragon!

I believe most Chinese people wish to have Dragon babies by this year! The Dragon is one of the most wanted zodiac animals. Umm… even though I’m not sure why. But I can tell Chinese just love dragon. My best friend and I’ve always wanted to have Dragon son since we were in high school too. She loves dragon because she’s a dragon herself and I love Dragon because I love Dragon boy! Only because I noticed that they’re mischievous creature! That’s all.

Anyway, my birthday fell on Feb after Chinese New Year, so according Chinese Lunar Calendar, I’m one of a Dragon people! Too bad I’m not a boy. But according to Khmer calendar, I’m a Rabbit! I don’t like the fact that I’m both Rabbit and Dragon though! A brother once told me, “Don’t be upset. Instead, you’re blessed with powerful Dragon body and a smart Rabbit head!” I delighted just to hear that though. Haha.

I don’t believe in Zodiac indeed. Because the more I know about their superstitions and beliefs, I find it more ridiculous and in disbelief! For instance, my ex-big boss--who is a Singaporean, told me that Tiger people are not desirable people for Chinese, especially Female Tiger. Female tigers are not allowed to attend weddings because they believe they would bring bad luck to couple. Can you believe that? What on earth!

My family mostly were born in Rat, Rabbit, Dragon, Monkey and Pig. Because of their zodiacs, I want my kids to be born in those years too. Simply like that!

But remember, we have both positive and negative traits! Agree with it or not, I would say, the things we’ve done, the places we’ve been to and thick-and-thins we’ve gone through are the only things that make us become US today! And the beautiful and amazing people are the ones who know how to carry it all along!

A whole new chapter and another lifetime journey.

2012-01-02T17:01:00.001+07:00

People say it’s a transformational process and I think it is.

By stepping out, I have learnt that it is possible to trust myself. I have been humbled by the sheer big-ness of the world and just how much I can get in exchange for 2 feet; 2 hands and an open mind. I’ve spent my times trading in little scraps of myself for the right to be acknowledged. But now if you’ll excuse me, I would like to stop compensating my existence where you play your role with your wizard because something tells me that this is not my reality.

Despite of “Zemblanity”, I have seen “Serendipity” at its best, turning strangers into lifelong friends and brief moments into lovely bond that no amount of time or distance would ever quite erase. A momentary, somewhat random act of kindness of fate and universe, led me to a man who continues every day to be pretty awesome, even to a whacked-out cynic like me, whom I adore very dearly and whom I’m going to marry in no time. I can't even begin to explain how fortunate I feel this year with my family, my awesome man, my friends and this universe.

I have walked some and am the better for it. I am the same but yet different. I have experienced myself at my best and at my worst. I have dug deeply and honestly within myself and come away scraped and raw, but I survived. I would like to tell you that it is perfectly safe. Except it’s not. That it’s possible to go ahead, knowing all the odds. Except it’s not.That you will never lose your way, because you will, once more than once. That it would never hurt. Except it will, over and over, like a bitch. But still I say go, go where the heart leads because that’s the only way to really live.

Dance, Dance, Dance

2011-12-19T18:16:00.000+07:00

“Like we said, we'll do what we can. Trytoreconnectyoutowhatyouwant,» said the Sheep Man. «Butwecan'tdoitalone. Yougottaworktoo. Sitting'snotgonnadoit, thinking's-notgonnadoit.»

«So what do I have to do?»

Taken on top of Busra waterfall, Mondulkiri.

«Dance,» said the Sheep Man.

«Yougottadance. Aslongasthemusicplays. Yougotta dance. Don'teventhinkwhy. Starttothink, yourfeetstop. Yourfeetstop, wegetstuck. Wegetstuck, you'restuck. Sodon'tpayanymind, nomatterhowdumb. Yougottakeepthestep.Yougottalimberup. Yougottaloosenwhat-youbolteddown. Yougottauseallyougot. Weknowyou're tired, tiredandscared. Happenstoeveryone, okay? Justdon't-letyourfeetstop.»”

― Haruki Murakami

Adorable stuffs!

2011-11-15T17:33:00.006+07:00

I found Etsy is pretty nice. Those little things are just so, so and so adorable! I love those bangles and earrings. I’m thinking of customizing them with my birthstone and silver for my birthday. I know where to make it less expensive than that online shop. My birthstone is amethyst. So I need to find amethyst gemstone first. Where?!

Draw me the warm sunlight; sketch me the chilly breeze and paint my world in shade of fall.

2011-10-29T16:30:00.000+07:00

I won't deny that I wish to have an autumn views here in Cambodia.

Khaer KADEK Tleark Kjol (Autumn Season) has rolled around for few days already, but I don't feel a slight chill of the breeze. I guess we can't feel it this early but in a week or so. Do you think autumn is a great excuse to get warm and cozy and especially being lazy in this miserable chill? I pretty much do. But usually I don't find myself being lazy during this season thought, but more productive. I think during autumn here, people are being more active than ever. It's a marriage season after all. So Ah hah, you see my point. They gotta run around checking those things off their to-do-list.

We can't expect much from autumn here though, except wedding invitations. Lolz. And I got 3 already. You can't see those beautiful views in hazel nuts or earth muddy or vibrant or warm beige or neutral color here, but there are times I saw some falling leaves on the ground and they took my breathe away.

So ladies – Yeay Yeay circle, I expect another Saturday cozy catch up in the yard of coffee shop, when we feel the chill touch us. What do you think? And this time I promise to bring my knitting stuffs along. Haha.

You painted me a perfect day.

2011-10-26T19:58:00.005+07:00

A perfect mug of delicious drink.

A great lines from a book you can't quite put down.

A sunset that completely and extremely take your breath away.

A moon and a hundred stars in the sky that you can't get enough of gazing at.

A field of grass that you die to lie down and just lie down.

A song from long ago that carries the memory of good times.

An email from a beloved asking, "Hello, how are you and how was your day?"

A sweet, sweet, sweet notes and surprises that pretty much makes you go head over heals in love with.

A man who loves you, who's really pretty amazing and whom you love and adore with all your heart.

All the awesome reasons why it's good to be alive, to be loved and to love.

Silly Saturday with two freaks! Yeay Tout & Mak Ming

2011-10-18T13:12:00.003+07:00

A Coffee catch-up, but instead I ended up grabbing myself Green Tea latte and Green Apple juice. Yeay Tout was allergic of coffee but the baby girl in her needed chocolate, so yeah chocolate shake to begin with. Mak Ming was too old for coffee, so she got herself an Ice Green Tea latte and Apple & Carrot juice. Green Tea red bean cake, Banana bread, chocolate cookie and nuttie cookie. All are my favorite. Just a bite of it, my cough found way back to me again! AGAIN! Girl’s talk! Say cheese! Loud and lame by being crazy over talking silly pictures. These old ladies deleted their silly teeth-less pics while I’ve gone to the loo. No more insane pics to be left with, but sane. I should have killed them all! Geez! Well, Book swap!!! But gosh, I forgot to bring my knitting and crocheting basket to share them! LOL

Traffic jam. Home late. The End.

One silly, but great day!

Dreary October

2011-10-05T17:30:00.000+07:00

I was anxious not to get things go, but then I tried to do.

I was anxious to be understood but I tried hard not to resent those who don't.

I was anxious for things to go my way when I wanted them to, but I took a breath and a big step back and tried to seek patience instead.

I was anxious to be loved unconditionally but I tried not to let that stop me from loving others and hard.

I was/am anxious to be happy with who I am, right here, right now, but I tried/try to give myself a break and just be happy.

That's what I've been trying. hard.

Now I'm aiming to set my eyes on my going-to-be everyday in the near future on taking in the moments and then letting them go; on forming few attachments, except to the ones who rock my world; on being thankful at the end of each day that I'd make it through and have enough leftover to live.

This October is going to be the most depressive and dreary month that I'm going to remember. Because I can't keep promise to myself to this post anymore.

Let's end it all here. October.
Say hello to my new chapter in the fresh November, which I wonder what it's going to have in store, especially without a single plan and goal at all.

I'm feeling it.

2011-09-28T22:17:00.000+07:00

limitation

2011-09-23T14:24:00.005+07:00

I wonder if it’s ever possible to say anything at all. I wonder if – even though I understand you more than anyone else in the world, but then I guess I don’t – you understand me at all. It’s hurt to watch you turn your back and act like I'm just another strangers,I’m just like another person you use all your usual way of taking everything into assumption after all these times.

I instinctively hold a hand over my heart, feeling this pang – a pain that comes from this woman I love out of my most respect. I have an impulse to run, to escape again while I still can before this consumes me. Should I attempt to shut down the part of me that loves, respect, and cares, like I’ve tried so many times before?

But there’s a part of me that I wanna shake you out of my belief and make you realize that: "please do not always think other people that they are selfish and self-center! it's you! and please give people who love you some value! Do you know how much you hurt them, hurt their pride and their love and respect for you? and please don't think money can rules everything!"

It's not worth and I'm worn out. It reaches to a certain limit since the tears I've shed so many times are too dried to come out anymore.

It’s good to turn strangers to be long life friends, don’t you think?

2011-08-17T00:19:00.002+07:00

Date to be noted: 13th Aug 2011
Place: Romantic café at Sovanna mall

It’s been years we’ve promised to have a nice catch-up but the plan didn’t always go with hand. And I think everyone has to share the blame. My schedule was too full that I could be free only Sunday sometimes. Nathary doesn’t have an extension visa that she can go out at evening from Mon to Sat. Kelly, she was too busy with her academy.

But finally, we could make it before we’re too old. I imagined it would take a lifetime that we’re able to meet up for a nice tea (no longer coffee) when our hairs turn gray, our faces full of wrinkle and moreover we each have a basket of crochets and knitting stuffs. Haha.

Okay, I’m being too dreamy here. Forgive me, ladies.

So it’s my first time meeting Kelly, and third time with Nathary and I felt excited and quite comfortable more than our first meet that you post here. Kelly is more quiet and gentle and lovely. Nathary is cute and adorable. I noticed she is not like the old her, the kindergartner. Haha

Kelly said I’m quite a talk machine and Nathary said I’m a chatterbox. I still can't believe if i truly am? But just so you know when I feel good, I talk a lot. Chatting with you girls, I felt like a true nerd and smart and willing to bring out more on what I know and what I have in me. You helped me to know things in school life that I barely experience and you both have something that far different from my mates. I couldn’t be happier and I’m sure we can be a long life friends.

I guess we were too busy talking to take a picture together. I shouldn’t forget that. I did bring my camera along. Dang!

your month

2011-08-11T22:50:00.010+07:00

Your birthday was a week ago. But I didn't have a chance to turn on laptop and post what I want to blog about. Pretty much there are many things I want to tell you, just like our old days, we fought by day and made up by night and swapped about this and that until we fell asleep and hug each other tight.

I wish you were here with us. But we can't be here together in this world as much as I want to, but I think when I feel a need, I can close my eyes and turn inwards and let the memories of our childhood take over.

P.S. I love how mum wrote about us at the back of our photos.

We always miss you.

I just need some inspiration

2011-07-17T01:57:00.002+07:00

At the moment, I am craving that inward inspiration that gets me to just breathe and just be.

Taken from Eating Animal, Jonathan Safran Foer.

It’s been a while.

Of late, I have been restless and my hands, like a pair of conspiratorial malcontents, fidgety with dissatisfaction with... what? Maybe it’s the constant waiting and waiting for a whole bunch of things to happen.

I miss the feeling of certainty, of being anchored in something solid; I miss knowing. I miss being sure of where I’m supposed to be... I miss believing in the possibility of dreams. I miss taking pleasure in simple things. I miss looking in the mirror and not feeling like a stranger.

So my dad becomes my only bestfriend now...

2011-07-13T23:09:00.001+07:00

... whom, when the morning comes and when the day's done, I would go and crawl next to him and babbling on how my days was like.

a beautiful quote for today...

2011-07-12T13:09:00.000+07:00

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

— Bob Marley

I love it when I say 'I'm fine' and you never believe I am.

2011-07-01T23:45:00.013+07:00

It might be a simple way to not forget about our days was like.

Because the bruises and wounds are almost removed and all that remains are the soon-to-be-healed scars and such.

I’m ready to bed now, but it occurred to me that someday I might forget the days (2months) I walked around with my almost blackout and dizzy head and blur vision with a week of the band-aids and bruise on my chest and hand and finally had enough of it, peeled it off, and left with these bruise and soon-to-be-healed scars (Week 2). And anyways, I can’t just go around forgetting things like that, which is happened to me for the first time. (I hope I didn't make it sound serious which is not at all.)

But this is not the only case. Because I think I just need to remember all the shivered sounds from their mouths, the worries from their faces, and esp. how they know exactly I'm not fine whenever I say 'I'm fine.'

Sometimes, I think I/we need people like this in life: People who never fail to express what is in their mind when you're not. Questionable people who you can trust unconditionally. People who see through you, but yet they love you. People who is always there for you and you can always turn to, while others look away.

And remember that they also need the same from you.
That's what called 'Love' I guess.

when i become a mommy....

2011-05-31T11:59:00.003+07:00

When I become a mommy to a little girl, I’ll tied her hair up with a crochet flower hairpin, dress her in a short flower swirly skirt with a white cotton spaghetti strap blouse and a pair of ballerina shoes, then we’ll go on road trip to find out why birds live in trees, butterflies can fly and what makes blue skies blue.

And when I become a mommy to a little boy, I'll dress him in a knee-length khaki jean with a white T-shirts, a pair of sneakers and a cap, then we'll go on adventure to find out why the mountains are high, the lakes are wide and what makes blue oceans blue.

that's what storm is all about.

2011-05-24T23:59:00.004+07:00

Taken on the way from PS to BTB, where you can always see the wide opened bluest

and blackest sky with masses of floating clouds.

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you.

So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

— Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

Old & Grey & in love.

2011-05-19T00:10:00.006+07:00

Mr.&Ms. Opal & Amethyst Love.

Well, don't you want to be mine? I mean, to be one of them???
Stay calm and become my toys! I've never owned a Human Toy. Be mine, plz!!
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Taken when I tucked them in and sing a good night song. lolz

Every moment I look at my new toys, 'Aging' & 'Future' & ‘Forever’ are on my dictionary of the day. Besides continue eating everything that life put in my plate, best or worst, I try to consume more supplements that I think it is the best nutrition for nurturing my faith.

Because one day, even the young will be old. Those children, playing so happily in the park, will be the elderly men and women who sit on the bench watching another generation ride those swings. I wonder on what I want to take with me into the future and what I can preserve from the present and the past. If I can take my faith along with me, my hope, my tolerance, and my belief in the better side of human nature... perhaps, I can ensure that the most important part of me never ages.

So let's fill our heart with LIGHT and LOVE.

And... let's get married, singletons! lolz jkd.

Solitude's day

2011-05-16T23:43:00.010+07:00

It sounds weird, but I love every moment of it. I celebrate it whenever I fully have my space and my privacy which I rarely do. So I called it Solitude’s day because it’s the day I bring myself to date and pretend that I’m in relationship with myself. I treat myself like I want others to treat me, I bring myself to where I want to go, and eat anything I want to eat without having treated by others. It’s the day I’m a foolishly spendthrift, but come on, I just want to have some nice treat for myself and yeah, it’s what all about, which sounds insane, but I enjoy it and I did it, like 4 times already.

So today what I’ve done are:

- Get 264pcs photos printed
- 10 movies & 5 music cds/
- 2 more swimming suits
- Get my hairs trimmed
- Grabbed a very nice coffee I’ve been longed for.
- Choco cookie & banana bread. I love it at best.
- Gym / Swim / Jacuzzi/ Steam
- Lay there by the pool and listening to soft music and enjoy the riverside view and the moon with salad in my mouth.
- Grab a very nice Party Garden for on the go.

Those things I've done on my solitude's day are something I usually do, but not alone. The only thing I love about my solitude’s day is, I did all the things alone and FREELY!!! Plus, everything I eat, it tastes so great. I mean I’m able to smell it, to taste it in a way that I don’t know if there’s any crisis out there, because I have all my time here, because I think of nothing, talk of nothing, because I don't have to listen to everything, and I don't need to say anything and let's just forget about the phone!

Ummm anyway, maybe I celebrate it only when I'm single, or I still can after marriage. hahahaha you know like, "Hey darl, here's the deal! let's just have our own solitude's day once a month!" lolz.

The remain of the day.

2011-05-09T21:40:00.003+07:00

Maybe it's beyond what you expect.
The impossible expectation you yearn for after a long tiring day.

I've finally traveled 24 provinces and I'm proud of it.

During my travels, I fell in love often with countryside, esp. BTB where I could see beautiful clouds move back and forth; PL where you could never tired to enjoy the bluest sky on the summer day; MDKR where you can find the most greenest place for a better escape; RTNKR where you can see the most beautiful stars, and sky; KCG, the most peaceful place I once I think might end up there at my very old age... etc.

And maybe there's one noisiest, muddiest, and stressful place where you chase your life for life, but then, and the end of the day, if you could find something less stressful, but yet beautiful and romantic, that would be the best warming moment of the days. Like a quote from a book below:

"Beyond the wall that marked the end of the terrace, I could see for miles around the windows and back yards of the neighboring properties. A lot of the windows were lit, and the ones in the distance, if you narrowed your eyes, looked almost like an extension of the stars. This roof terrace wasn't large, but there was definitely something romantic about it. You could imagine a couple, in the midst of busy city lives, coming out here on a warm evening and strolling around the potted shrubs, in each other's arms, swapping stories about their day."

I particularly like the last line.

And for some reason, I'm stricken by this picture. It's taken on the 32th floor of Canadia Tower. I've never seen something like on the day time with my naked eyes, except the last 3 years I was on the plane. But it's definitely something else I utterly fell about it. Because I see it with a feeling. Because right now, it gives me a glimpse to remind me how life eat me up from the inside with my everyday stress and strain.

Last 3 years, it was the beginning, it's hard to see everything with my true feeling.
And today, I have plenty of times to be torn in between, to shout, to scream out loud and to tell what I've been feeling and how my days look like.

And that's SUCK!

M-Mum.

2011-05-05T22:03:00.002+07:00

It's May. And it's Mother's Day. Soon. Time for present. At least, something to make the day for our beloved people. Like, this is my motto now, when you come from a trip, don't forget a little gift. At least, to me. Because maybe I've grown up receiving those from Uncle & Dad. And at this age, I feel like I'm following their footsteps.

So speaking of which, there's something I think it's really cute about it. From the very since, Dad always gets mum a make up kit, which I think why doesn't he just get her a lipstick instead? Because mum doesn't wear make up, except lipstick! Mum never get the reason why he always get her that, though how much he doesn't like when women with a make-up on.

Well, I got presents from mum and mum-to-be bestie.

Happy Mother's Day.
And this blow-your-soul-away song, which is written by Rachel Aldous*, is for my mum & mum-to-be bestie, as well as mothers in the world who loves their children unconditionally.

I’m imperfect but I perfectly love you.
I love you dearly and Happy Mother's Day.

*See Rachel Aldous heart-felt interview here and below is the song called, 'A Mother's Prayer'.

I smile and shake my head, well we all write our own endings and we all have our own scars, but tonight I think I see what it's all about.

2011-04-30T01:40:00.005+07:00

And I'm not gonna write it down. I'm saving them in my head.

Below is just some craps I want to get it off a little bit, which there are two things I'm really obsessed about:

1- Marriage & Pregnancy & Babies. I'm incredibly obsessed with it. Not because I want to get married, but I want to feel how it is to have a small living creature inside my tummy and how it is and how stress it is to be a master of everything with the new life. I want a change, really. I'm dying to experience it. Esp, when working on a new project related to it, I'm all for it. Anyway, so how to have baby without getting marriage? Single mom, i mean? Which is very INSANE, I know.

2- Health. Be aware of your well-being. Seek balance. We can't do anything without having a good health and I just realized it's very, very, and very important. So take a good care of yourself. Do regular check-up. Disease is everywhere and Stress is the worst of all in this new generation which lead to other illness. So, don't overwork yourself. Limit. Less ambition. Be Content. It's not fun when you're sick.

Anyway.

Homecoming by Vienna Teng.

This girl is really something. Epic.
After a long tiresome day, her songs calm my nerves.
And I'm feeling this beautiful song.

I just want to
be living as I'm dying
just like everybody here
just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment every mile

I like myself better when I'm with you.

2011-04-18T21:14:00.002+07:00

Fried vermicelli + Choco cookies + Sesame Milk + Modern Family = EXCEPTIONORDINARILY GREAT!

Modern family was the best treat for my holidays (finally, I could make time to watch it). Well, to be exact, the best ending treat. I love it more than The Simpsons. But watching Modern family, I've gone through some thoughts, though it cracked me up so hard to catch my breath.

I happened to think how imperfect every family is. So does mine. I'm sure everyone has stories to tell. Best and Worst. Well, I think maybe we don't treat each other perfectly, but we love each other wholeheartedly. And I believe, like the wise old said, The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If you have your own family, treat and shape them the best. Never neglect. Never Violent. Never Silent. I'm going to make mine the best I can be proud of. Esp, my kids. :D:D:D

Oh again, Modern family is truly the best. Laugh but then you learn something from it and you appreciate your family more than ever.

And I'm so relaxing and so addicted with this meaningful song:
HARBOR by Vienna Teng.

Sail your sea
Meet your storm
All I want is to be your harbor
The light in me
Will guide you home
All I want is to be your harbor

Dear you, coffee & tea

2011-04-15T18:30:00.011+07:00

My elegant-body mug of coffee looks really handsome on my desk! O.o

I successfully quit drinking you months ago. And I miss how your buddy, CL, everyday is full of you I longed for, but now it's being used for water. I bet your buddy miss having you in him too. However, without you, coffee, I amazingly lost 4 kg, but regretfully, nothing could give me a boost to start my freaking days ever. Who knows? I'm gonna get back to you someday. Just so you know, I can't stand a day without you. You lift me up! LOL

How about my not-that-big-ass mug of... Tea? No it supposed to be Honey! Look!!
Oh, just so you know, she's Asian. Yellowish! O.o

Teeeea time!!! Alright, I love you too, though not as much as I love coffee, but you, at least, help freshening up my days recently. I can start my days with a big-ass mug of you. Or maybe two. I now got other brand which comes in different kind of taste in one box and it's so classic!! Well, first it wooed me with its cute, colorful packaging and nice description, second, it reeled me in with it classic smell and great taste!!! Not that I forget about you, BonTea! But speaking the truth, It was just a willy-nilly chosen of you last time. Sorry. !O.o!

The good times are rolling. Are you rolling with them? Or do you fear they're rolling away without you? Don't be fearful.

2011-04-12T00:03:00.002+07:00

Dear SHOES,

I've never have done this without you. You've always rolled with me when the good times are up in the air. Can't thank you for more for always got me from there to here. You've always taken me to many places to do many stuffs, to see many things. What I like about taking your shot, because you always reminds me of where I've been and the things I've done.

Thank you, shoes. teehee

And it reminds me of a quote by Eve Ensler:

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing."

Anyway, KNY is right around the corner!!!

I don't know what has in store, neither you nor me! But may your pair of shoes take you to wherever you wish to go, to get the chance of seeing what you wish to see, and to do whatever you want to do. Buddha bless!!!

So, Happy Khmer New Year!!! Spend it wisely, esp with your family.
I'm gonna spend it at home, how about you?

Too many things I haven’t done yet, too many sunsets, I haven’t seen.

2011-03-22T00:46:00.001+07:00

Nonetheless, I’m blessed to experience those things, those romantic times, those sunsets, those sun lights. And they were beautiful and warmed up my soul. I want more. I want it forever. I want it with you, my future for life who, well, umm, I haven’t met. LOL.

Those beautiful things are:

- Night and Early morning silence, except the sound of bugs here and there.

- Yawns, yawns and yawns I lazily made each morning.

- Cold breeze I felt when I woke up.

- Soft light made its way through the pinhole of the wooden room to warm up the cold and to let us know, it’s time to get up.

- Rain and dew on the grass. I thought if water was cocktails, and I was the grass, I’d be sooo drunk and died to heaven right there.

- Weird feeling while walking with my bare feet on the wet morning grass and smelt the flowers. Oh, glistering with joy, except it itched me a little after walking back and forth for too long.

- Ooohh and aaahh with those beautiful creatures. Flowers and natures. The birds and the bees. The dragonflies and the butterflies. The excitement was jumping in and out of my bones.

- Kids. I could have died to have them with me when I was in those moments. Bee & Belle, of course. MissMissMiss.

- Laying on our back under the tall trees in the thick and dense forest, near the coolest and calmest lake, listening to the cricket’s songs, talking nothing but swapping our childhood stories and how our days went by. Once in a while the leaves fell, by dancing slowly in the air, while the sunlight making its way through the trees to touch our faces, then we laughed quietly.

- Beyond the top of the tree that marked the end of the woods, I could see the sunlight, and the blue sky. The birds sang, the crickets chirped and we played with the waters fissure. Stones were here and there. We massaged and we shampooed each other, we sang, we joked, we laughed, and we sank ourselves deepen right there in the water, and once in a while, we choked. I was absorbed with love and fun.

- Upon the sky, there’s the moon. The biggest and brightest one of the whole time. She only showed her pretty and charming face once every 20 years. Sweet sun, thank for sending me the moon. I glowed with love.

- Before putting ourselves into a peaceful rest, we give ourselves to best treat by rolling in under blanket with each other to watch those romantic yet funny movies until we fell asleep like the kids whom their mum warned not to watch late night cartoons, because it’s not good.

- On 2am, we woke up, doing nothing, but swapping again. Here we go, every-boys-we-met and how-the-love-went stories to tell to put ourselves back to sleep. And of course, I was always a good listener, but given that I got to understand deeply how it really felt by love, why not?

And I’m so soaked up with love just thinking about this dreamy moment, which made me think a lot about City of Romance, PARIS and City of Love, ITALY. How can I reach out to there?

We always made the best partners on trip. And perhaps, we’re made of PEACE, LOVE and HAPPINESS. LOL. Well, in fact, I got it from PINK, sugar scrub product. LOL.

P.S. Foolishly, I wish my big heart and pretty cousin was a guy I love, really. (Alright, I’m definitely not lesbian, in case, you worry about it. LOL)

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you; remember I'll always be true.

2011-03-08T23:09:00.001+07:00

Taken at KGC while walking and biking around stadium.

Have you been losing perspective on the most important people in your life? Sure, you're warranted respect in what you're doing -- but at the cost of spending time with the friends and family who love you no matter what time you get to work each morning? In the long run, you are always going to remember the people who had your back, the people who share your private jokes and the people who tell you the truth because it's good for you. Put them first no matter what.

And I just did.

How far do I have to go to get to you...

2011-02-28T20:07:00.004+07:00

My birthday was 3 days ago. So I’m 23 turning to 24. I don’t like the number, I tell you. heehee... Will anyone care to tell me how it was like being 24, 25 and 26? I want to know. I wish I could have done something I want to do, but well, I’ve now grown addicted to the things I’m doing. It’s non-stop and there’s no point of turning back. And I care no more.

Well, nothing comes out from my losing brain. And I feel like everything around me is losing but I tempt to get attached with the current busy life. It’s been years I said it a lot to my people, “Sorry, I’m busy” which concerns me that I might end up living in this life forever which I don’t want to. Because I want to see the light until I reach the end of the tunnel. I’m still walking in it. No light. And. Pretty dark. When I bump into something, like wall and it hurts a lot, but there’s nothing I can do but keep walking and finding ways. It’s pretty sick.

Despite of everything, people do have some moments for themselves.
So I still have fun and lovely times and happiness.

What has in store for me this year? I don’t know. But I want to achieve the things I’m trying to do. I’ve never achieved anything in life, but knowing I’m trying my best, I still want to do more and know more and learn more and fail more and hurt more and hope more and especially, love more. I want to experience all those things a person who I’m looking up to goes through.

And I love these songs a lot.

*** At KGC for works and family matters. Right now, I think a lot about my dad, my uncle, and my bestie.

Another month, another story. Or anyway, a very similar story…

2011-02-04T07:37:00.006+07:00

January was great. What I mean is everything is up and down normally, like how life supposed to be. And here come February. Nothing special. But I like how they say February is the month of love. Look, for the first day of Feb, I've heard the best news of marriages here and there, especially for my bestie.

L: Hey, you know what?
Me: What?
L: I've already passed.
Me: What?
L: I've passed the EXAM.
Me: What exam?
L: Our marriage!
Me: What??!!! Seriously?
L: Yes!
Me: Tell me more.
L: The date is already set. 17th March.
Me: What?? This fast?
L: Yeah. and one more thing.
Me: What?
L: I must have baby by Rabbit year!
Me: WHAT???
---

It's a big surprise. She made me say "what! what! what!" a lot, which in khmer, I was like, "Ei ke?"

I told mum right away after I got home and she brought the topic of how she thinks I'm lesbian again. Alright. Great.

Anyway, birthdays are in the air. You know it just smells good, except that we're aging 1 more year. I have a plan for my day, but knowing definitely that this month is going to be another hectic month, forget it.

But nonetheless, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, N!!!
My wish is very simple like this... Wish you love, happiness and success.
You have far to go, remember!!! heehee

it's being unfolded, and there is you.

2011-01-07T16:40:00.007+07:00

So 2010 has passed already.
It was another year of learning.

Remembering it was my baby step, and I was tremble, stumble and finally fell.

Taken on 31th Dec, before the countdown night.
And I love this picture a lot.

However, welcome to 2011.

I know we have been here for a while already, but it's been a hell of week which I think perhaps it is time for me to make a formal acknowledgment of the fact and of all that render the New Year so special and significant.

I think this is the year I start drawing lines and making distinctions (Okay, I know I’ve said it many times already). But strongly, I want to make this year for me to accept and handle responsibilities where appropriate, and yet it is the year I should stop feeling guilty about factors that are entirely beyond my own control. I want to make it as my year of liberation and maturation.

So 2011 is here.
Yet it's another year to learn.

Even though, it begins with some confusion and low self-esteem. But I’m going to take all my energy to carry out my plans, restore my optimism and seek balance, though it is not an easy task.

Taken on 31th Dec, the countdown night.

We've been friend for 7 years and 2010 was the first time we've stayed together to welcome 2011.

She always dug out our best high school memories. On that countdown night, she told me about the time I had a little crush and that guy turned out to be gay!!! I jumped and was like, “WHAT?” which I didn’t remember a thing of this. lol

Well, she is a friend who make me feel young and always reminds me how to have fun again, yet she's a friend who reminds me how to feel our maturity.

cupcakes, chocolates and book!

2010-12-27T18:55:00.010+07:00

What more do I expect???
This is one of best Christmas!!!!

From D.

From B.K-M-A.

From N!!!! GOSH I was swept away!
My stomach was leaping with flowers while driving back home!
Thannnnkkkks!!!!

How was your Christmas?
Mine was nothing!!! LOL
And this is the best treat from me on Christmas day in this blog!
Check this video out!

Part 1:

Part 2 and 3 is here and here.

MERRRY Christmas!!

Good morning, yesterday.

2010-12-18T10:38:00.016+07:00

I woke up by the chill of the wind, but I kept sleeping. Then again I woke up by the ring of the phones. GREAT. I hate that part. Everyday. Even though, I wanted so much to sleep like I didn't need to care if there were a crisis out there. Okay, like it or not, I had to get up.

Taken at Pailin. Chet stole its seeds for me. Now it's growing.

Yesterday and the day after yesterday, I wanted so much to let the mountain off my chest. I was throbbing with those pains. I wanted to let those out as much as possible. I got to understand why people usually say ‘It’s hard to breathe in here.’ I experienced it twice. And I was like, 'Somebody kill me please!'

So I just need someone to talk with and to let it out. But then I ended up being a listener instead. GREAT again. Alright, never mind. I barely bring myself to speak what my mind want to. I barely pin it down, let alone to to speak it out. Plus, whenever I started talking about my bummer or so, I often feel like 'Crappy crap! Cut it out! It's pretty much boring! Not that person want to hear your story as you want to hear theirs!'

Okay, maybe this is the reason why I'm always a listener.

So, out of blue, yesterday, after I got home, I determined on coming up with some tools of inspiration, but then I failed it. Because every minute I tried to make sense of everything, I was totally overwhelmed. Because I felt as though, if things didn’t ease up soon, I will just blow a fuse. Okay. I did it many time already.

But, suddenly I thought I should come up with something better to cope with. To give it a go, I need to lay it out on paper in order to pin it down, rather than let it slip in and out through my freaking brain.

---- Okay, not that I’ll post the list here----

Alright, after this half an hour later, I’ve done some of it. It came out well. It flew like running water. I’m amazed. I’ve never wanted to list things down and planned to keep everything in check like this. I’m no good at it. I don’t know it goes with plan, but I’ll try to follow up anyway. I need a lot of efforts. But if I fail, I’ll give it up. Because this mean I'm DEFINITELY not organized person.

So this plan will be my revolution for next year also. Some must to be started on January and some on the following months and run until June-July.

Apart from it, during the time I watch my sunflowers grow, I too determine to plant myself.
Btw, all the trips are officially canceled. Great. I've seen its coming.
But I've made another plan with my besties. Hope it will go well. Because this time, I really want to spend time with them on this New Year. I want to make it as ONE of those Times Of My Life also.

And this song is on top of my playlist. So inspiring.

I'm an INFP, and you?

2010-12-10T18:10:00.009+07:00

I found this test is pretty much interesting. It, at least, is 85% true.

And with couple time I tried the test, I still got INFP which described as Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving. With these qualities, I googled them around and found it's quite interesting, you know, rather than horoscope-something.

In this Portrait of an INFP page, they explain about INFP's personality as an idealist. And with this page, they talk about the INFP's types and personal growth and stress, which is much more interesting. Speaking of which, this page and this page, they describe about INFP's relationships, strength, weakness, as lovers, parents and friends. Oh I like it!

And there are some points below I laugh about as being an INFP:

This is about stress which is pretty much true: "As with all NFs, the INFP will feel lost and perplexed at stressful times. As stress builds, INFPs become disconnected from their own personality and perceived place in life. They will lose sight of who they are in relation to time and place. They may not make basic observations, while instead they will focus on the more abstract and symbolic meanings of a particular interaction. This can sometimes baffle those who expect more direct communication and a fairly concrete relationship."

And wow this part is somewhat did a wake-up call for me: "INFPs are withdrawn and are sometimes hard to get to know. Some may view them as shy. But those that take the time to get to know them will find them warm and gentle, with a surprising sense of humor. They care deeply for those they consider special friends. Putting forth-unusual sacrifices to help such individuals. They often have a subtle, tragic motif running through their lives — inner pain and unease which others seldom detect."

And this one, it's so true!!! "INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers when they apply themselves."

And this one is a good part to consider about: "Think of a situation in your life in which you were not sure how to behave. Now try to understand how one or two other people would see the situation. Do not compare their behavior to your own, i.e. “she would know better than me what to do,” or “why is it so easy for her, but so hard for me?”. Rather, try to understand how they would see the situation. Would it be seen as a problem, or as an opportunity? Would it be taken seriously or lightly? Try to determine their point of view without passing judgment or comparing it to your own."

But I like this part a lot... this is INFP's motto: "To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

and how's about you??? Check out this test here.

There are time that life is just beautiful...

2010-12-07T18:25:00.001+07:00

Less depression, but half full stress.
All I can see is greeeeeeeeeennnnn!!!

taken at Pailin.

1- Everything is fine. Everything is good and I developed such a good positive thinking, except that a lot of money went through my pocket. Heck! I don’t know how to survive this month. No, I meant I can survive, except that where I can get money for trip(s) I’ve planned this end of the year?? HOW???? I hate it when I can’t manage my expense wisely. I don’t know how. I don’t have a brain to think about every single penny I spend. Okay, I hate being so detailed on spending money, even with people. I can’t stand with meanies people. I remember what granny told me, “Never get near to mean guy!”

2- Alright, anyway, after all, I don’t know if my plans will go with hand from Christmas to New Year. Koh Kong Trip with family, VN trip with my ladies and KL trip with BB. Yay! please please please! Buddha helps me out! –Crossed finger- Guide me a way to go for MMM* source, and no works or project suppose to do during this time please! Okay, we gotta get everything solved and done before holiday though.

3- By the way, I eat out a lot almost every day. Look like I’ve been having much fun of out-going here and there. And I, for the time being, am in the mood of party as well. Guess, I'm gaining some more weight. Arrggghhh awful! But i love trying some new places. You know, food! Food-lover! I should marry to a master chief! HAHAHA

4- Well, there’s no way we don’t have play-time while working our head off. Work hard & Play harder! LOL... Travel, Shopping, Night Outing, Eating, Working, Playing seems to be what NOV & DEC is all about. I look what in store for me to end this fruitful year!

5- I almost finish every book of Sophie Kinsella. I can’t bring myself to finish the last one, Mini Shopaholic, since I’ve spent almost every night eating out and I craved for sleep more than anything else. Well, there are season changing for everything. Even the season of heart! HAHAHA Right now, my season should be SPRING!

6- Okay, this time around, I feel like I want to have a baby! UTTERLY!!! Because I love BEE & Belle and this girl. This thought is really going wild. I can't help it! LOL... Well, there are time I thought, what if I wanna be a single mum?? No way! Mum will kill me!

----

*MMM=MakeMoreMoney

we know what happened...

2010-11-25T18:21:00.001+07:00

May all the souls of deaths rest in peace...

progress, changing, growing then giving up, somehow we're never quite prepared...

2010-11-18T18:15:00.009+07:00

But there are time you have to slow it down a little bit. Just a little bit. Except you don't have a chance at all. You're just being pushed through after all.

You know all along that you don’t rush through this life of yours.

But it goes too fast on its own and somehow you don’t really realize until some days.

There is just so much that you should not be missed… the really important stuffs.
And it’s really beautiful and peaceful.

This world will survive without you running around like a mad woman, checking things off your
to-do / to-fix / to-organize / to-control / to-succeed / to-accomplish/ to-take-care-of-everyone / to-blah-blah list, which rule your days.

And with this, you don’t feel the-old-you anymore. You don't feel what you felt anymore.
And all you want to do is to untick this list and hit "less-stress and happiness" button.
But, if we think about it for a second, it doesn't look like you're alone after all. People in this world is running around like mad to get those check list done. So, the question is, are we in common ground? Yes, we are.
Hence, what's the point to whine about?

because even when I was flat broke, You made me feel like a million bucks...

2010-11-04T13:20:00.022+07:00

---

When I'm obsessed, I'm really obsessed.

Talking about music, i'm a huge fan of country.
And recently, i've been obsessed with Brandi Carlile I found in my playlist. I downloaded it after hearing it's played in an American drama TV series, "Grey's Anatomy". I have this DVD set and not yet watched, except that I don't know where I misplaced it.

I REALLY LOVE HER, BRANDI CARLILE!!!

Her voice is really rich, growly, soothing and amazing. All her songs in each album are great and beautiful. I love' em all.

Though she's a gay, but what's the point?
I found that Gay/Lesbian have a great talent. Take Elton John and Ellen for example.

She's in interview.

Brandi shares her fav books and Cds

Pick up one foot, put it down. Pick up the other, do the same.

2010-11-01T17:37:00.003+07:00

Repeat the process. Don't look at the length of the road down which you must travel. Just remember why you decided to embark on your journey in the first place. It seemed like a good idea at the time... and it still is. You are now, though, dealing with reality rather than theory. That's like the difference between looking at a flight timetable and actually catching a plane. It involves a lot more - and takes more out of you... but it is also a lot more productive.

October

2010-10-30T07:10:00.002+07:00

I was planning to make October to be a month of gathering, meeting and hanging out with people, but forget it, it didn’t go with plan.

Just feeling the chilling wind and knowing the Fall has started and oh yeah, I have plenty of wedding to attend and my people to meet! And I gotta make it. I just looked at calendar, I don’t think I’ll travel that much for November, but who knows? it always happens in a blink of eyes. I just can’t plan my time. Crossed finger!

Nonetheless, October was good after all.

- It began by spending 2 days off on Pchum Ben with my ladies at SHV without those endless phone calls (In this point, I think I have sth new to update in my CV… particularly, like ‘Professional in picking up the phone calls’ Haha)

-Here comes, after I'm done with short holidays, I’ve been to some new provinces. Back & Forth. And do regular work.

-Every time I stayed in PP, esp during the heavy-rain-and-flood-everywhere time, I’d hear the knock on my door and mum asks, “Will you take the car or motorbike?” I went, “Yes?? Oh oh, motor!” then I heard she say, “Bring the car, the weather is not good, it might rains!”… I got up and went to see the sky, “Oh! Ok! But… mum, I’m not Salt anyway” And I felt so good.

-Glad to be done reading some books at the same time. And now it's time for break. Otherwise, my severe headache and crummy eyes will be worst.

-The other Sunday, I have one day to treat myself nicely. I drove to over there, over there and down there for the whole damn day with a choco shake in hand. And I get chance to do my ‘MMM’. Can't help! Finance crisis! Otherwise I probably end up walking around penniless.

-Last week I was in Steong Treng and I was lucky to join religious activities, Water Festive. They celebrated it after holy times (3 months of Jol Vorsa). I’m not sure what it’s called though. B.Thuch & I got ourselves a small light boat decorated with flowers and we floated them by the river in front of pagoda. And I just knew woman use this light boat to wish for husband! Ha-ha! Damn! Too late! I should have known! Haha. In fact, I didn’t wish for anything, though!!!

-And today, I’m in PP. Just back from Pailin and Preah Vihear last night and I'm gonna have training at Koh Thom in few hours. Only 2 more provinces! that I fulfill my wish of traveling around the 24 provinces in Cambodia.

BIRTHDAY!BIRTHDAY!BIRTHDAY!

I got a lot of best people in October! and I love them all.

-Bong Ratha
-Bong Rama
-Vattanak
-Kelly
-TinTin and
-Dad

May your all birthday be the beginning of your happiness!

I thought we could have a rendez-vous and wish a birthday in person! But maybe we could celebrate one-day-together-birthday, couldn't we?

How do you feel for being 20-something?

And this one, I dedicate to my Dad.
Happy Birthday To You!
I'm glad that I'm now able to do something little for you.
I'm glad at least, I have chance to do so.

nothing better than this... you feel just like the sun... just like the sun.

2010-09-29T23:40:00.004+07:00

I couldn’t keep track of the vision of life recently. Each event, it comes and go. It’s like over there, over there and up there (I love this sentence a lot, cuz I watched this).

The thing is, in time like this, I’ve bumped into many new inspirations, realizations and thoughts in a way that I could say, I CAN FEEL IT. IT'S IN MY BONE. But the problem is I couldn’t get a hold of what flied into my mind and to put it into words.

Taken on the rice field, Takeo.

For instance, it happens often when you’re on the way to somewhere. I meant, when you see ‘that’, and then you start talking about ‘that’, you’ll just create 'that useful thought’ in your mind. I don’t know how it happens to others, but me. Especially, when being in a moment, when it reminds me the books I have read, which I gain more perspectives from those. You know when you read, you would stop and think about what it's written, but when you bump into a similar situation, or see anything related to, you’ll just get to understand in a profound way. At least, to me, it happens this way. I'm deeply inspired and excited about those new wisdom.

Every now and then, those books I’ve read really change the way I think, and it has a positive effect to the way I am. So would you tell what the books that change your perspective are? If you ask me, I’d say, I give two thumbs up for MITCH ALBOM… You’ll never know until you read one. Thank Nathary for the lending me one, and JenJen for recommending me other one and I’m glad Bong Lod interests and so into his books too.

Here the quote I just love a lot from "Have A Little Faith" by Mitch Albom:

1- "Having more doesn't keep you from wanting more"

2- "They aren't perfect, but they don't need improvement. Why? Because it means you are willing to accept people as they are. Nobody is perfect. Not even mom and dad. That's Ok."

3- "You can embrace your own faith's authenticity and still accept that others believe in something else."

Anyways, recently I’ve been blessed to bump into these great moments. I don’t know why, but I just incredibly love those moments I had recently.

1- I've developed such great sentimental mood when I was on the way to some places and we shared about everything related to that places. One thing leads to another, that’s how our days beautiful days went by, bubbling with fun and amazing conversation blah blah blah. Of course, they are decent conversations. It made me feel like a part of home and family. It reminds me this. Because it's like a new getaway, from everything in this complicated and messy world, power, materialism... and all you can feel, see, listen, and touch is nature, nature, nature over there, over there and up there, with new good talks about life and great laughs... which made me love a great simple life more and more... That's exactly what I want to feel. Profoundly. Warm. Happiness. Beautiful.

2- Talked and listened to each other experiences, thoughts and wisdom. And that was the very first time, in person, I’ve ever shared what in my mind, what books I read, what books that prove positive things to think about, what books that change the way i think, esp with right question, with the right conversation, with the right persons. That’s when I feel comfortable and relaxing.

What can I say? I just loves those moments.

when September ends...

2010-09-26T20:52:00.005+07:00

… and knowing that October will come. The months which held the best memories I’ve ever had. Sweet and bitter. Best and worst. In-between September and October in last 3 years.

...last 3 years, I found my path of true self through many tough decisions and through a journey of disbelief. And this tough journey made me a person I am today.

...last couple years, no matter how, I’m so grateful, so loved, so amazed by how fate brought a very nice person to me... embraced by my uncle's personalities. But thinking I don't deserve him and i didn't know how to love, I just run away.

...last year, I was in a very new journey in finding pieces of my true self. Though I was not confident enough, though I was not sure if I chose the right path, but it’s what I chose and I have to face it. At least, I was lucky enough to make decision; to go for it and to be responsible for it. However, I just want to be encouraged that I've done the best I could.

...this year, what can I put it? it hasn't ended yet. but my only wishes are to meet up with people I wanted to meet. I want to feel my progress. I want to spend more time with family.

Just realized how I love Sep-Oct after all these year.

Stop and smell the flowers...

2010-09-21T02:07:00.015+07:00

Not pretty much road trips, but i prefer to say that.
And below are the pictures which taken in one of my road trip, Pailin.

I can always have fun during my work trips.
I can always have fun with those massive headaches.
I can always have fun no matter what.

To check all photos, click here.

Beside works and staff meeting, from laziness of getting up, warm shower, breakfast, coffee, talking, laughing, driving, teasing, critique, calling, cursing while driving, music, singing along (howling), look for unknown places to go, photography, finding loo along the way (haha), calling, texting, talking, talking and talking about everything (from childhood, neighbor, religious, wisdom, future, parents, relationship, friendship, careers, personal view, to general matter… blah, blah, blah), photography, saying ‘oooh and aahh’ to this and that, accept calls, ignore calls, waiting calls, wandering, sneaking out for fun, photography, talking to strangers, stop and smell the flowers, sneaking to people’s farms & fields, capturing, massages, dinner, talk, laugh, surfing, emailing and sleeeeeeeeep.

The only unpleasant and very disturbing thing is I HAD TO accept endless calls and evoucher-ing to staffs, no matter what time and whatever I was doing. I HAD TO PICK IT UP! DAMN!

Update: This week is scheduled for beach sides. KK/SHV/KP/VR/SA in a row and I'm looking for more info of Tatai... we planned to have a peek there and spend a day and night there.

I feel worst today, but tonight, thinking all about road trips i had, I’m feeling better.

been there, done that…

2010-08-29T21:10:00.007+07:00

taken on the way to Kampot

Pretty much there's a feeling of enjoyment out of nowhere, but inside me.
Because of the current shot I'm in.
Because of where I've been and what I've done.
And I seem to pay less attention to whom I'm with.

There's a warn...
I was told I'm being missed.
I was told I'm like a thousand mile away.
I was told if I could give a little time for people I've never had time for.
I was told to think about who I'm with while I'm doing it.

pathetic

2010-08-05T21:59:00.005+07:00

Listen to: Diane Birch
Mood: Not that great. I know what I feel. I'm just not sure whether I really ought to be feeling it.

Do you think human being is pathetic?
Out of blue, regarding with human being, the closer I look, the more I find it very pathetic.

Taken at Prek Kampi, Kratie

with hope and faith.
with expectation.
with everything we greed about.
with silly and absurd ideas we make up.
with craziness we can’t get it over with.
with vulnerabilities we're unable to show.
with all the sadness we're unable to let it go.
with those happiness we unable to hold a bit longer.
with emotional existences we allow ourselves to sleep in.
with stupid ideas for others’ attention.
with those scenes and we have to play our parts.
with every pretending we simulate.
with our anxiety that stir our serenity.
with inabilities to be consoled or comforted when in doom and gloom.
with all those surge of feeling we struggle to fight.
with strength and courage that take a hell out of us to muster.
with those weaknesses we can’t figure out.
with all the strong parts we exert a great deal of force and effort to grow.
with those fortuitous coincidences in commotion.
with those ignorance we need a hell of time and experience to get rid of.
with other person’s love to fulfill our happiness.
with being unable to be contented in within by ourselves, but others.
with etc… etc… etc

with all the reasons why we are to be alive.

But what to make it more pathetic is, even though, we acknowledge those facts, we don’t seem to know how to chase it away.

---

Work hard, play hard…

2010-07-28T13:33:00.006+07:00

This is the concept we got from our client on our very first trip for work together… which, as to our surprise, is what we always do. We actually know how to have fun for whatever situation we’re in.

Here is the most exciting and relaxing road trip for work ever last week. I didn’t remember when the last time I went to beach, but this time was exceptional. To make up for all, I went to 3 beaches in a row. SHV, KP and KK. The most touching part is when we spent a night at Nataya Resort in KP. With the super natural views and fresh cold breeze, plus the round Bali style room we slept in, I felt so relaxing, exciting, worry-free and less headaches with problems I face. I really enjoyed staying there which made me appreciate the idea and concept of the owner. We had dinner and talked and laugh. We are crazed over photo-taking. We enjoyed chatting with the Filipino and Cambodian-France, very tall yet big guy, who I assumed that he’s the owner, which is actually son of the owner. At night, I couldn’t help but fell in love with the moon, which I couldn’t resist taking in the spa-like bathroom outside the room and enjoyed watching it. The moon looked really great, along with many shadows of coconut leaves (Pictures later). I wish I could stay there forever. Well, a best recommended place to stay for honeymoon.

The day we’re in Koh Kong, after we’re done with our staffs’ meeting, we went to Prei Koang Kang. Before going there, we’re having breakfast. And that’s when Jeje and I really had a great laugh over our client’s staff who went there with us for market visit. I somehow found that he's not that flirtatious, but he's very humble. I like him.

Well, there’re about 6GB for all the photos we took. Jeje and I make a great pair when it comes to something fun like this.

Just finishing upload pictures. To see more, you can click here.

Updated: Thought I have to pack again for going trip this weekend with my uncle, Bee and Belle.... but hmmmmm... stuck with work again. Nonetheless, I have to pack for the next round trip in the same 8 provinces in this upcoming week.

In any event…

2010-07-09T22:20:00.003+07:00

I haven't written for long enough to drop one post.

… and July has came to sweep June away and it went faster than superman, the events that transpired just last month seem vague and unreal to me. Perhaps because there are many things I’ve came across and many relentless thoughts that have kept occupying my head. But I'm glad I'm getting busier and experience more.

Well, it'll be a year soon that I've been in my current job - a steep learning curve,that has a big impact on my behaviors in comparison to my previous job... a totally different playground, which resembled nothing, but mud.

Yet, despite of my lack of ability and capacity, I figured out of whole lots things in term of human characters. I get to understand how wild and cruel people can be... and how I choose to react/act on it and how much I expect from others. It reflects too much the very negative and weak sides of me. It reflects the very negative sides of people. I stop thinking that everyone is saint. Especially, despite of others, upon behaviors and betrayal of people I trust; care and I gave the most. That’s the shittiest things in life. Those people dug out the very worst parts of me. This is very frustrating.

In term of it, I’m getting scared… I need to feel comfort and secure ground -- in a place that is full of people who is realizable, who is serious, who is not annoying—in a place where people would tell me money & materiality is nothing.

... which make me miss my uncle. I miss how he would give me some logic on no matter what I have in my head.

However, I met a lot of men lately and it made me miss those men who have came to my life. That’s when I realized how chicken I was… how stubborn I’ve always been… and how the vision of my uncle perception and personality has greatly embraced my thought all along in view of any man.

…and anyway, in a strange way, I've missed writing. Yet the countless times I've tried to start... I'd not been able to elaborate on more than 3 sentences. Indeed, I have so much to tell, but I somehow find it hard to tell or to remember how excited, how hard it was, how new things have its great impacts on me. Uncannily, I a bit start suffering from writing blog... perhaps, I’m so caught up in the routine that I had forgotten about the simplest pleasures in my life on how I love writing blog.

Anyhow, there are some pictures, in case, you forget about me! LOL and to view more here.

... and with JULY... one of good months ever, and I expect more. And the first of all, I want to see how my both little pumpkins have grown after all months I’ve never seen them.

---LOVE---

Compatibility Grid

2010-06-19T18:24:00.006+07:00

I found it in from an anonymous in my mailbox.
It's interesting though. LOL so if you want to see how compatible between you and your love one, here it is... according to your western sign. Well, I don't have anyone to match with and plus I don't know their birth dates, so I matched mine to a friend. I'm a Pisces and He's a Capricorn. Yeah, it's somehow true! LOL... Ok whatever! So what? Though we're compatible but we're not destined to be with each other! But it's another story right? Btw, I also compared my mum and dad and yes! They're so true!

So here you go... Match yours!

---

Your signs:

- Aries: March 21 - April 19
- Taurus: April 20 - May 20
-Gemini: May 21 - June 20
- Cancer: June 21 - July 22
- Leo: July 23 - August 22
- Virgo: August 23 - September 22
- Libra: September 23 - October 22
- Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
- Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
- Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
- Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
- Pisces: February 19 -March 20

Detailed Interpretations:

You hold the special place in my heart...

2010-06-19T16:22:00.006+07:00

For both of you.
For both wonderful fathers.
For the only greatest men in my life.
Dad and Uncle.

Taken at Prek Kampi, Kratie

Happy father’s day!

I send all my deep love to you both, Dad and Uncle, for being the only best men of all in this world to me. There’s no way I will say “You know what? I love you so much” in front, but I speak it through my heart.

You have no idea how much I love you!

Dad, when I call you "Dad", it explains all the things I'm grateful about. You taught me life, you taught me everything I need to know. Not only taught, but showed me. You're exceptional. I get to think all the things you've done for me. Too much for me to give you back. Though you might can't get me the moon, but I've got your love. Instead, I want so much to get the moon for you. but I know it's not that easy, but I try anyway. I'm glad I was and am able to do those little things for you. I'm profoundly grateful, though it's not enough, though it can't be compared to what you've done. Anyway, I always miss our old times. I miss everything. I put a blame to universe! How on earth this world need to spin? What I miss the most is how I often hugged your tummy all the time even in front of people. How come I’ve never showed this affection and intimacy to you for all these couple years? Not that I’m too shy, because I’ve been so stress out lately with all the things I’m doing. And you know what? I’ll change to who I used to be. I'll hug you more.

Uncle, you’re always a daddy to me. Everything you taught me, showed me, manifest me, shaped me to the person I am today. Your strong and firm, yet sweet personality. You know how much I want to duplicate you? I’ve been waiting for the person like you to show up, but I know there’s no such a miracle. Maybe he did show up and it was all like a magic, but you know what? Everything never happened according to plan. And with this, I learned how to acknowledge the facts and the qualities and love and all. And I think I should stop waiting the person like you anymore. Because I think I should love him for being him from my heart, not because he's like you or he has the same qualities and personalities like you. But all I merely want to say is: without warning, I tried to look for YOU in my man-to-be. And that was silly! LOL

So you both are a role model to me. You play the most important role in my life.

I'm blessed.

You were there for summer dreaming, And you gave me what I need.

2010-06-10T12:26:00.009+07:00

Listening to: Robbie Williams
Mood: Sentimentally great! LOL

Tonight is exceptional.
I'm half way with "Shanghai Girls" by Lisa See I got from SR few days ago. Unusually, on the way back on bus from SR, I missed my younger sister terribly. And now again,.But this time, I get to think all those things we fight over at day and sleep by hugging each other at night.

All right, I think this time is another random post:

1 - Sometimes, like this time, I come across at the thought of the things I want to make in my old age, besides getting married and have kids. A woman in me has this secret dream. I love vintage. I love home-made. Last time I told mum and she laughed at it. Because I told her I want to be a fine cook; I want to make vintage cotton dresses; knitting and I want to make those handmade stuffs (Which I can create a small clubs for women). Because I’m worst at cooking, and plus I don’t really know how to make dress, except I used to make my Dolls some clothes when I was little. LOL. Or is it just a fad? But I'm sure it's my passion. BUT I have another dream. This dream was inspired by someone I like. He said he plans to run a Manga café, where there are coffees to drink, books to buy and books to read for free. I always miss how I argued him over it. LOL. Well, if there’s a Manga café first open in Cambodia, I’m sure it’s his.

2 - I surprised mum, just like how she surprised me. The worst thing is she’s been keeping on at me about marriage. It really hurts my ears. But last time, I told her “What do you think if I plan to be single and live my life alone? I could adopt a child or buy a sperm? What if I learned to be a good cook, make those vintage cotton clothes, and handmade stuffs? Isn’t that interesting?” She jumped and said, “SILLY!” LOL. Well, I know that won’t be happened. Nonetheless, honestly, I somehow really think about it.

3 - I get to think that how I like fighting with mum and like doing what mum hate, but there are time we’re really a team! LOL. Is it because of two Dragons in a house? There’s always harmony and clash at the same time? Which is why there’s Mouse who calm us down! LOL. I don’t want to count my Monkey and my little Pig in! All right, too much of Chinese Zodiac, perhaps, because of Lisa See’s books. LOL.

4 - I tempt to make my room like these pictures below. I prefer small bed, or maybe no need of bed, just two mattresses placed on one other to create the height, that’s enough. Because I like it better to be on the floor, esp when sitting and lean on mattress. And yeah, a small book shelf with warm light and my books filled in, along with some photographs. Maybe I could have a Telly, DVDs player, small closet and a vertical mirror, that’s all I need. It’s not a perfect one, or it's closed to a messy, but it looks comfy and cozy yet privacy and so individual and so personal to me. At least, it’s much better than mine nowadays! LOL.(Oh, anyway, I just noticed myself that I tend to sleep on the edge of the bed. I thought, at home, because I have many stuffs on bed but no, even I sleep on big one and have nothing at all, I still sleep on the edge. Anything can say about it? LOL.)

4 - I finished Shopaholic & Sister by Sophie Kinsella last month and I really love the last part when Becky and Jess reconciled. The point is I get to understand clearly about passion! And the compromising between two opposite individual’s personalities.

Real Passion: It’s much like obsession. Compulsion. Mania. Whatever. you name it! Nobody knows and understands us better than we do. Nothing can stop us from our determination. We could risk everything for our Passion. Take Becky and Jess for example, Becky could risk everything and bring herself into trouble just to get a pair of shoes while Jess would risk her own life for rocks.

Understanding & Compromising: We should learn to give in and accept our difference. I acknowledge that, for instance, Black is the opposite of White. Up is the opposite of Down. So, is Good the opposite of Bad? Not necessarily. Just an abstract concepts. What if you are a fan of heavy metal music and you are obliged to attend a performance of an opera? To you, perhaps, could seem like a kind of punishment. And what if you like something that someone else detests? The key to success involves understanding why someone else thinks something is good, even if you don't agree.

6 - STILL desperately want to know how to play guitar!!!! LOL

Buddha, I wrote very long. Sorrriiiiiii...
Good night.

It's been a while.

2010-06-03T07:05:00.011+07:00

Hey I’m back.
It’s been a while and sorry I couldn’t get myself to write. This brain of mine is getting more rotten and I was kind of too lazy to blog, and also because I was kind of busy. Plus, I had nothing to blog about. I thought of not blogging about my routine or something personal, because I figured it was kind of boring, but then I turned to think that if I blog-for the sake of this rotten brain-it’s easier to remember in future.

Okay, there are too many to tell about, but to make it very short, let these few pictures tell you what happened to me partly and recently. You can see more pictures by clicking here.

It looks like a trip, but it's exactly not. We was in 8 provinces for BL's projects and now more to come and it's gonna be hell of bustling again from next weeks.

I just got some of views uploaded in my Flickr and moreover, I found that Tumblr is nice.

And I’m ready for another pack next week again and perhaps can't join my friend's wedding.

Anyway, I’ve been looking forward to say this, IT’S BEEN A BEST DAMN MONTH!

----Updated---
Sweat, sweat and sweat. My head also keep sweating every time. Which is why I got my hairs cut very shorts for the first time of my life. Though, it got me look like 35 years old lady. You know what? I don't care a bit about it, because bong Mab, Jeje, bong Jan and grandma said it's nice! Hahaha

---

Tuesdays With Morrie

2010-05-12T07:01:00.004+07:00

Mitch Albom becomes one of my favorite authors now. I used to read, “For One More Day” long ago which lent by Nathary. And now “Tuesdays With Morrie” is another recommended by JenJen, my former colleague. I got my copy during mission to Siem Reap a week ago, and just finished few days ago during mission to Kratie. If you’re someone who interest in life’s lesson and wisdom, “Tuesdays With Morrie” is an exception to be recommended. It’s a last thesis together of the author, Mitch Albom and his professor, Morrie Schwardtz, while living but dying because of ALS disease. Please enjoy all the greatest quotes below attributed by Morrie Schwardtz.

---

Culture:

- The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it.

- People are only mean when they're threatened, and that's what our culture does...And when you get threatened, you start looking out only for yourself. You start making money a god. It is all part of this culture.

- Every society has its own problems, The way to do it, I think, isn’t to run away. You have to work at creating your own culture.

Tension of Opposites:

- Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn’t. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

- A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle.

Love:

- Love wins. Love always wins.

- Love each other or die.

-The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.

- Let it come in. We think we don’t deserve love, we think if we let it in we’ll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said: Love is the only rational act.

- Love is when you are as concerned about someone else’s situation as you are about your own.

How Love Goes On:

- I’ve got so many people who have been involved with me in close, intimate ways. And love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.

- Part of the problem, is that everyone in such a hurry, People haven’t found meaning in their lives, so they’re running all the time looking for it. They think the next car, the next house, the next job. They find those things are empty, too, and they keep running.

Forgiveness:

- Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others.

- We... need to forgive ourselves... For all the things we didn't do. All the things we should have done. You can't get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened.

- Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. Accept the past as past, without denying it or discarding it. Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others. Don’t assume that it’s too late to get involved.

- There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?

Meaning into Life:

- So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

- Yet they gave up days and weeks of their lives, addicted to someone else’s drama.

Trust:

-...if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark.

Friendship:

- we’ll just hold hand... we've had thirty-five years of friendship. You don't need speech or hearing to feel that.

Feeling Sorry For Yourself:

- Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too–even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.

- There are some mornings when I cry and cry and mourn for myself. Some mornings, I’m so angry and bitter. But it doesn’t last too long. Then I get up and say, ‘I want to live . . .'

Death and Ambition:

- ...the truth is... if you accept that you can die at any time--then you might not be as ambitious as you are.

- Everyone knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently.

Family:

- The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family.

- If you don't have the support and love and caring and concern that you get from a family, you don't have much at all. Love is so supremely important. As our great poet Auden said, ‘Love each other or perish.’

- This is part of what family is about, not just love, but letting others know there’s someone who is watching out for them. Knowing that your family will be there watching out for you. Nothing else will give you that. Not money. Not fame. Not work.

Children:

- There is no experience like having children. That’s all. There is no substitute for it. If you want to have the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children.

Material Things:

- Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent.

- You can't substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship.

Emotions:

- If you hold back on the emotions–if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

- One day, I’m gonna show you it’s okay to cry.

- I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

Dying and Living:

- When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.

- Don't let go too soon but, but don't hang on too long.

- Dying, is only one thing to be sad over. Living unhappily is something else.

Being a Child:

- We all know how to be a child. It's inside all of us. For me, it's just remembering how to enjoy it.

Youth:

- ...I know what a misery being young can be, so don't tell me it's so great.

-...in addition to all the miseries, the young are not wise. They have very little understanding about life.

Aging:

- Aging is not just decay, you know. It’s growth. It’s more than the negative that you’re going to die, it’s also the positive that you understand you’re going to die, and that you live a better life because of it. You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven’t found meaning. Because if you’ve found meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can’t wait until sixty-five.

- If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.

- You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And, age is not a competitive issue.

- How can I be envious of where you are--when I've been there myself.

Money and Power / Status and Showing Off:

- These were people so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and expecting a sort of hug back. But it never works. You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship. When you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you’re looking for, no matter how much of them you have.

- If you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down on you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.

- Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won’t be dissatisfied, you won’t be envious, you won’t be longing for somebody else’s things. On the contrary, you’ll be overwhelmed with what comes back.

Marriage:

- I've learned this much about marriage. You get tested. You find out who you are, who the other person is, and how you accommodate or don't.

- There are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don’t respect the other person, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don’t know how to compromise, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can’t talk openly about what goes on between you, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don’t have a common set of values in life, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike. And the biggest one of those values. Your belief in the importance of your marriage.

- I think marriage is a very important thing to do, and you're missing a hell of a lot if you don't try it.

Shortsightedness:

- No matter where you live, the biggest defect we human beings have is our shortsightedness. We don't see what we could be. We should be looking at our potential, stretching ourselves into everything we can be come.

Needing Others:

- In the beginning of life, when we were infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right? But here's the secret: in between, we need others as well.

Being Number Two:

- What's wrong with being number two?

Important Questions:

- As I see it, they have to do with love, responsibility, spirituality, awareness.

Death :

- Death ends a life, not a relationship.

- The truth is, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.

- Even I don’t know what ’spiritual development’ really means. But I do know we’re deficient in some way. We are too involved in materialistic things, and they don’t satisfy us. The loving relationship we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted.

Relationships:

- As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. Death ends a life, not a relationship.

- There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.

---

By the way, I’ve googled around for the summery and I found its quotations and analysis. Click here.

Pretend. Pretend. Pretend.

2010-05-11T00:01:00.003+07:00

And enjoy what's good in your life.

Oops! I think I’m getting used with it.
I suppose I’ve been such a drama queen a lot in my life, in a good way though. lolz. Pretend that I never know everything. Hmmm

When it reaches the limit, I would rather leave if I found or feel that something or someone has wronged me, or if I’m at the point of frustration. It’s never easy for me to stage a confrontation, so I better leave. It’s hard for me to draw the line, because I’m so oriented toward relieving suffering in others, not creating more stress.

So I’ll see how long it’s gonna take to my limitation.

Anyway.

Finally, I feel relieved after frank conversation. I’ve been waiting for a long enough for R to be open to me. It hurts when you can’t be there for your loved one to console or to listen to her story.

Anyway.

Just back from Kratie, and thank Buddha, I didn’t have to pack my bag again for another week at provinces. The plan is prolonged, so I have some times for myself, or it might be changed overnight, who know? I don’t dare to plan anything at all, but make sure my clothes are washed for the next pack. lolz

Will post pictures later for the nice view I captured.

Anyway.

I’m glad I got 4 books during mission to Siem Reap a week ago.
I’m done with Tuesdays With Morrie during mission to Kratie few days ago, and the review will be next post. hehe

Ta-dah... Nathary? You see it right!
I got Snow Flower and The Secret Fan!!! Yay!

And this one too, Nathary! lolz

And.

I love these rings. Oh I do love it. Will think about making one for myself. A gift for myself. Maybe next year birthday? lolzz

Dedicated to MakMak...

2010-05-10T07:03:00.010+07:00

I Turn To You
by Christina Aguilera

When I'm lost in the rain
In your eyes I know I'll find the light
To light my way, when I'm scared losing ground
When my world is going crazy you can turn it all around
And when I'm down you're there pushing me to the top
You're always there giving me all you've got

For a shield, from the storm for a friend, for a love
To keep me safe and warm, I turn to you
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true, I turn to you

When I lose the will to win
I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again
I can do anything 'cause your love is so amazing
'Cause your love inspires me
And when I need a friend you're always on my side
Giving me faith taking me through the night

For a shield, from the storm, for a friend, for a love
To keep me safe and warm, I turn to you
For the strength to be strong and for the will to carry on
For everything you do I turn to you yeah

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain
For truth that will never change for someone to lean on
But for a heart I can rely on through anything
For the one who I can run to oh I turn to you

For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love
To keep me safe and warm, I turn to you
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true
For everything you do, for everything that's true, I turn to you.

---

And last night, I re-read “For One More Day” by Mitch Albom, lent by Nathary. But I read only the parts “The times mum stood for me” and “The times I didn’t stand for mum”

Btw, hope you had a wonderful Mother's day.

And I did.

Nothing but Bee & Belle

2010-05-04T16:45:00.014+07:00

ត្រលប់មកពីតាមខេត្តវិញ ព្រលឹមឡើងជូនម៉ាក់យាយទៅផ្ទះពូរិទ្ធ ព្រោះបង្កក់ ស្រី Belle ចេញខែ! ទោះជាងងុយគេង និងហត់ពីការបើកឡានឆ្ងាយយ៉ាងណា ក៏ត្រូវតែទៅដែរ ព្រោះចិត្តជ្រួលច្រាលចង់ជួប Bee & Belle! ខ្ញុំបី Belle រហូត! ចាស់ៗគាត់ថា ខ្ញុំចេះបីក្មេងទំនងណាស់! ហេហេហេ

ថៃ្ងឡើងរត់ទៅប្រជុំ ល្ងាចឡើងជួបវិបុល យក Laptop ដែលតំឡើងWindow 7 ថ្មី! អូ! ពិតជាអរគុណជាអនេកកបុ្បការចំពោះការខំប្រឹងនិងចំណាយពេលដ៏មានតំលៃ។

មកផ្ទះវិញ ប៉ាទេសនា Free ពីការប្រហើនហ៊ានបើកឡាន ពីកំពង់ឆ្នាំង ពោធិសាត់ បាត់ដំបង បន្ទាយមានជ័យ សៀមរាប កំពង់ធំ និងកំពង់ចាមដោយអត់មានប្រុសៗទៅជាមួយ ហើយភែ្នកស្អុយទៀត!

ម៉ាក់ឆ្លៀតបន្ថែមល្បោយអំបិលប៊ីចេងទៀតថា សុទ្ធតែជាកំពូលស្រ្តីហើយ មហាអស្ចារ្យ មហាលោតផ្លោះ! នាងហ្នឹងវាហ៊ានណាស់ វាមិនគិតវែងឆ្ងាយទេ តែវាចង់ធ្វើអី វាធ្វើហើយ មិនបាច់និយាយទេ!!

ហេហេហេ អរគុណហើយចំពោះការសរសើររបស់ម៉ាក់ម៉ាក់!

និយាយអព្ចឹាង ប្រធានបទពិភាក្សាបែបឆ្កួតៗរបស់ក្រុមនារីនារីយើងនៅតាមផ្លូវ ភាគច្រើនគឺរឿងបង្គន់អនាម័យ។ ពួកយើងបានជួបប្រទះការប្រើប្រាស់បង្គន់ចំឡែកៗនៅខេត្តបាត់ដំបង និងកំពង់ធំ! ហាហាហា ឃើញហើយហួសចិត្ត នឹកអស់សំណើច និយាយបីថ្ងៃក៏មិនធុញដែរ ប្រសិនបើបានជួបប្រទះឃើញផ្ទាល់នឹងភ្នែក!

ពិតជាបទពិសោធន៌ដ៏សំបូរបែបមែនសំរាប់ពួកយើងទាំង៥!

អូ! គិតទៅ វាយអក្សរខ្មែរយូនីកូដសប្បាយម្យ៉ាងដែរហ្ន!

Sleep in peace when day is done

2010-04-27T12:57:00.013+07:00

But I couldn't.

Stress.
As hell.
Weather.
Hot as Hell.

If anyone doubt about where the hell is, I think I could give the answer now.

I wish I could affort for an air-con, while mum and dad enjoy their sky-giant air-con up on the rooftop. I tend to think what I could push Cambodia to South Pole, or Noth Pole, or maybe next to France? where I fancied I could go there once. I love those jazz songs playing while drinking hot coffee, sitting next to the mirror watching the snow fall and chit-chatting about life, or walking along the street full of lights for sightseeing with a Canon in my hand. Ok stop it!

It makes me miss my Christmas time back in SFC with K and her parents, walking along the bay, seeing people hugging and kissing, feeling the cold breeze and enjoying the nice view of city. It was amazing.

I imagine what if Cambodia has 4 seasons like most countries do? Isn't it great if we have autumn and winter here? Umm I really miss my good old day when we cuddled up all together under a blanket, watching three horror movies in a row and froze our spine through the whole damn night until the snow stopped by the morning came. Oh I miss that time. Warm-hugging a big damn thing like P is a great feeling! And his brother, H, who likes fighting with me non-stop, always tried to close my eyes and helped me not to get scared with the bloody movies.
What play boys they are! Miss' em.

I really miss those short times.
I fall in love with those cities like others do.
I enjoyed the night there.
Where we had fun...
and shared the moments.

Stitch your stress away

2010-04-25T11:20:00.000+07:00

I knew - but I wish I didn't know. Feel like a FOOL. Been so down but luckily I've been too busy to think about. Throw it aside. Pretend it's ok.

Well, I've never done any shopping for months. Clothes. Shoes. Stuffs. Bags (mostly received as gift). But today after the last task of delivery done by early morning, I've been spending an hour at Sovanna Mall and watched 4D again and cut down my stress a lot. Despite of my own stuffs, I got little shoes and warm hat for Bee & new-born Belle at EXPRESS (I love Express now!). For always, I only got dresses for Bee, so this time, shoes.

I always adore laces and knitting so much. So I couldn't help when I saw those cute finishing of its knitting. This is why it caught my eyes. Not that I can buy something like this everywhere, so bought it regardlessly. I actually want to keep it as sample, but I don’t want to do so, because I bought it for them (But how could she wear knitting shoes & hat during summer?)

I know how to knit it, but I just don't know how to knit the flower by layers like this, esp this exacting same beautiful flower on these tiny shoes. If I know how to knit this flower, I will be able to make it as clips or bows for my both little cousins, and… and future daughter. Whaha!

Will google more for the crochet pattern for this knitting.

Okay, I'm officially broke now.
Outing is no-no!

The Little Prince

2010-04-20T17:44:00.012+07:00

I finished a children book called, 'The Little Prince' by Saint Exupery last month and I re-readed during Khmer New Year days. Reading this book helps me withdrawing from the chaotic world of grown-up people for a while, and feeling as an innocent child again.

It's such a great philosophy kind of book.

The best quotes of this book I found very interesting are:

- It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye!
-It is time you had wasted for it which made it is so important!
-You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
You're responsible for it…

To be exact, every parts of this book teaches us something.
And it mays break my heart a little bit.

Especially, the part the little prince lands in the desert on Earth. And he meets a cute little fox in a sand dune and tries to get the fox to come to him. The fox will not, because he’s not tamed. He explains this, saying, “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we will need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world.”

I acknowledge the fact that we create the needs that we fill. We don't need one thing or another inherently. It is when we find ourselves needed something or someone, we just forget the fact that it's once like a bargain of the needs that we willingly become involving with.

Anyway.

I love this review question of a person in my Goodreads:

"One novel metaphor of looking at life and love through the eyes of an alien child. Beautiful philosophy of life and love communicated here, the wonder and the mystery of it. The boy's innocent, yet loyal relationship with the flower, leaves me with the question: Should we love only those whom are deserving of love, whom are capable of loving us back? Or do we love whole-heartedly whether we get love in return or not? And, how do we replenish the well of love if we keep giving out and do not receive it back?"

She.She.She.She

2010-04-19T13:37:00.005+07:00

1- L and N are in relationship more than 5 years and ready to get married in few years. N just spilled his past and said sorry about his lying that N is his first love. He said he actually attracted to her on the first place because she looks a lot like his first love. L asked if he's still missing the girl and trying to find her. He said no. Instead he said he's always happy with L and there's no reason to find his first love. L said after she heard about it, she was in big shock and found it hard to breathe because she believed that she was N's first love and she loves him and never give a second thought of flirting or seeing somebody else. She can't believe that N had lied her all along. She wonders why N didn't tell her in the first place. She wouldn't mind about it at all as long as N is honest with her and being straight-forward with her. But he just told her now, since they've been together more than 5 years already?
She doesn't know what to do now.

2- S and V are in relationship 3 years and also plan to get married next year. But she just found out that V is still seeing his ex. When she asked him, he said they're just friends. But when she's online on FB, she got the feeling that he's still missing his ex. She has no idea what to do. Break up or not? She's not sure now that she's the one or not. She's not sure if her boyfriend still loves her or not. She's really freaking out and heart-breaking. Or should she sit and talk with him by asking straight where the relationship heading now? She is in the mess.

3- D and P are dating for 6 months. And P proposed D and promises that he will get his parents to go to D's parents to get permission to get married. D needs some more times to think about it. D loves P, but she doesn’t love the way P does. P is kind of person who's proud of himself and love flirting around with others. He said he's just like flirting, but only D that he loves. D also dislike the fact that P always keep promising to do this and that for D, but he never makes it happens once. So she's not sure if P really loves her or not. Because he sometimes seems to be serious about his love with her, but some other time, she just feels that she's just a fool. Now she thinks about giving him a chance or just ending this relationship, but she can't deny that she loves him.

4- T and Some Guy are seeing each other for 1 and haft years. But now he's seeing his ex. He told T that he somehow still misses his ex, but he's also love T. He admitted that he's kept seeing his ex because they've decided to be friend. But seem like it brought back old memories of them. After knowing all about it, she decided to break up and move on. After 6 months of breaking up, T is seeing another guy. But her ex was back and told her that he just figured it out that T is the only one person he loves. He can't live with T. Being with T, he's happy. T said she still loves her ex somehow, but she's now with another new guy and she's his new boyfriend's first love. And she's happy with him. She asked how to do?

Bleeding blood interpretation

2010-03-30T07:11:00.001+07:00

BLEEDING: Spiritually dying; traumatize; to be in a state of disagreement with someone; someone speaking against someone else.The dreamer should beware of strange friendships. To see blood flowing from a wound, physical ailments and worry.

BLOOD: Bleeding may suggest open wounds due to broken relationships. It can link to hurtful comments and painful emotions. It can also link to a lack of vitality generally and even depression.

BLOOD: To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word “blood” written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed. To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.

BLOOD: It is the life-giving, vital part of our physiology and it may symbolize our strengths and weaknesses and our physical and mental health. If you are currently experiencing a very difficult time in your life, you may have dreams with bloody and frightening images. Don’t worry, you may be venting your fears! Some believe that when you see blood in your dream, the distressing situation in your life which is at the root of the dream has come to an end, and the worst is over.

Hmmmhhhhhhhhhh, is that so? Well, I can see its coming.

Is it possible to feel lonely in a room full of people?

2010-03-25T17:15:00.008+07:00

Of course!

True communication is rare. We can have lots of colleagues and companions, yet if there is no one who really understands us, our conversations will all seem empty and meaningless.

Well, it is not quantity we need; it is quality.

Deep down within, we really need a certain person who will empathise with us if we share what is really in our heart.

Who knows what’s bad or good?

2010-03-12T13:20:00.000+07:00

There’s an ancient Chinese story, still known to most East Asians today, about an old farmer whose only horse ran away. Knowing that the horse was the mainstay of his livelihood, his neighbors came to commiserate with him. “Who know what’s bad or good?” said the old man, refusing their sympathy.

And indeed, a few days later his horse returned, bringing with it a wild horse. The old man’s friends came to congratulate him. Rejecting their congratulations, the old man said, “Who know what’s bad or good?”

And, as it happened, a few days later when the old man’s son was attempting to ride the wild horse, he was thrown from it and his leg was broken. The friends came to express their sadness about the son’s misfortune. “Who knows what’s bad or good?” said the old man.

A few weeks passed, and the army came to the village to conscript all the able-bodied men to fight a war against the neighboring province, but the old man’s son was not fit to serve and was spared...

The Geography of Thought
by Richard E.Nisbett

And yes, the world is constantly changing and is full of contradictions!

I keep reminding myself that what seems to be true now maybe be the opposite of what it seems to be.

22. Older. Grateful.

2010-02-26T13:26:00.019+07:00

I’m 22 years old, and I’m starting to build the block around me. This is when I start pretending that I’m strong, believing that I will grow stronger than I was and than I am. I’m 22 and I learn to find the reasons to believe. I found some. I’m 22 and I know I change a lot. I'm 22 and I'd like to think that I'll get better with time, in allowing myself to pursue the source of inspiration and potential contentment and not being self-indulgent. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't try to rush it. Everyone has their moments. That's inspired me when I turned to 22 years old.

More-than-Thank to all your best wishes, gifts, sms-es, phone calls and your all posts here and here. You have no idea how grateful I am of having you all.

I always love the feeling of surprise and excitement rushing through my body. I love the feeling of the heart beat. And I’m fortunate enough to encounter those moments in my life.

The most important thing about birthday is not related to gifts and such, but your people who always make you feel loved.

Like every year, I spent my day with bong bong first, then the following days with my other friends. Yesterday, after I got home with wide grin and asked mum her whether she has present for me. But she said, “you’re old enough not to get any birthday present from us.” I then said, “Well, I don’t mind. But sorry to say that I’ll consider all the money I owe you as my birthday present. haha.” She laughed. Then I announced, “Deal!"

I fell asleep with those contentment after sms-es and phone calls, thinking it's my day, my lovely day.

And that’s how my day ended.
I’m grateful.

Quantitative Study on Love and Sexual Relationship on V-day 2009

2010-02-18T13:12:00.009+07:00

I used to post about a public presentation of two research finding about Valentine's day last year. And now check out the final quantitative study on Love and Sexual Relationship amoung young people in Phnom Penh on the Valentine's day 2009.

Reports to download:

- Abstract of the quantitative on the study
- Final quantitative study on Love and Sexual Relationship on Valentine's day 2009
- English final report on young people talking about Valentine's day 2008
- Khmer final report on young people talking about Valentine's day 2008

By Tong Soprach, MPH, Independent Researcher

---

Lady Antebellum

2010-02-16T20:44:00.001+07:00

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Woah, woah
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now, I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now

Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say

[Chorus]
I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I've kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow
But the truth is that I've been screaming out

[Repeat Chorus]

I should've been chasing you
You should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could've made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we'd ever need
It was all we'd ever need

---

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

2010-02-06T12:23:00.010+07:00

Hahaha i love this quote title.

Anyway, I just got this link from a friend of mine, Pheak, who has much passion for photography. He’s in progress of learning to take more nice photos. And now he’s curious to capture couples with/without wedding dresses. I suggested he would ask my cousin, Bong Thuch and Bong Mab to pretend to be a couple for his photography. lolz Dang! Can’t imagine!

I told him I will be his model for couple/wedding photos! Only when I get married! haha But first thing first, we have to find a groom! lolz he promised to find the most suitable one so that he could take my pictures asap! Oh that's wonderful! lolz

So btw, check out some wonderful yet romantic photos of this talented guy, Jon Low, my friend gave me. I think his work is awesome!

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
~Mignon McLaughlin

----

Today I feel so good since the morning come. After answering some caring questions Dad and mum asked about my disease, I somehow realized that I always have reason to go on, I always have my people which always lift my spirit up when I’m down. Just I forget about it at times. The more I’m growing older, the more I feel lonely, but the more I feel closed to Dad and Mum and the more they emotionally show their worries and more opened toward me.

The Reason I Go On

2010-02-04T13:21:00.008+07:00

…When I'm feeling down
The mention of your name
It lifts my spirit up.
It makes me carry on,
When I don't have the strength
Your faith can heal me.
Like the sun that shines
You gave me light to see….

I really love this song. It helps me sleep peacefully at night. For all Celine Dion songs, besides its beautiful meaning, I feel like flying in the sky while listening. She always and for always has an amazing voice.

I wish I could have someone to lift me up when I’m feeling down. I really do.
For these past months I’ve been feeling so isolated and left-out. I got no one at all for sharing my inner emotion. Is it the true feeling of growing older?

I doubt of the reason of everyone which make them to go on with life.
Can anyone tell me?

So I don’t really know what to write more here. Maybe about book again? Well, yeah I’m currently reading Snow Flower and The Secret Fan by Lisa Lee which Nathary lends me. I tell you I really have hard times of putting this book down.

Because of this book, I’m starting to realize about my true feeling of being so emotional, left-out and lonely.

While reading each part of this book, I got so countless things in mind. As well, I also got many comments and reaction to the story. I wish I could collect my thought and write the plot and on what I think about this story. But I have hard time of recollect or remember what I’ve read, just like when I listen to something through one ear and leave by another.

Anyway, I just updated my twitter. But honestly, I don’t really have idea what Twitter is all about. Still updating though.

I really and desperately wanna go to beach. If J.Nha can't go with me, I might consider to go alone. Umm Perhaps. Perhaps.

Oh Feb!

2010-02-02T16:42:00.006+07:00

My favorite month has arrived and I feel… well, good! At least, after few days off, sleeping at home and got sick. But still cough my lung out though. Feel badly bad since I’ve spread my virus to everyone in office, esp the cousin. Well I just feel so bad.

Today is Nathary birthday, as well as my ex-colleague’s of mine. Next is gonna be my cousin who turns to be 30 and other cousin turns to 4. I got birthday line up on this Feb, including mine... lolz

So Chinese New Year is coming around the corner, and I’m glad we’re gonna have 3 days off, which is pretty much I wish for. I hope plan won’t be changed. I wish I could be able to go to beach or sth.

Oh yeah, Valentine’s day! Guess it’s gonna be another same old Valentine’s day! Forget it.

And Tonight, J.Mey is off to Canada to live with her husband, Eric. Hope you have a happy life there and, and, and your many babies to come. lolz

Well, I'm glad I'm going to Siem Reap again around 7th-8th, but alone!!! Hmmmppphh really need a company! I'm planning to spend time in searching for more used books there. Teeheeee

So… Happy Birthday Nathary!

That’s bad you didn’t remember today is your birthday, were you hit by a rock or sth, or you’re just trying to forget you get a year older?
Haha

This year your birthday reminds me
That I really want to say
I’m very glad I know you;
I hope you enjoy your birthday,
All the pleasures it has in store,
And because I appreciate you,
I hope you have many more!

Slow down my dear

2010-01-20T18:52:00.000+07:00

2010 began, a drama has been steadily unfolding. I'm not entirely pleased with this. It seems harsh and hard, to say nothing of disappointing.

I suddenly feel like, every couple year, I have to fall back and start everything over.I t's ridiculous just to think of it. I feel like, "Shit! I keep coming back!". But keep telling myself not to lose my hope, which is what a friend of mine seriously told me once, "Don't lose yourself! Don't lose your hope!"

Well, I got a question for myself, which is what I have to think about "How to" broaden my ability and capacity on something I really put my head and heart on. Ok it's a very hard one.

Btw, right now I'm thinking about Kafka Tamura, who sees Miss Saeki as a smart person, which is exactly what I see in a certain person.

“She is very different from you, she overcome all kinds of obstacles, and not what you’d call normal obstacles, either. She knows all kinds of things you’re clueless about; she’s experienced a range of emotions you’ve never felt. The longer people live, the more they learn to distinguish what’s important from what’s not. She’s had to make a lot of critical decisions, and has seen the results. Again, she’s very different from you. You’re only a child who’s lived in a narrow world and experienced very little. You’ve worked hard to become stronger, and in some areas you actually have. That’s a fact. But now you find yourself in a new world, in a situation you’ve never been in before. It’s all new to you, so no wonder you feel confused.”

Quoted from Kafka On The Shore
by Haruki Murakami

Keep playing this quote in my head, helps slowing down my pace of anxiety and vitalize my hope!

I'm also thinking of something fun, like going to swim with my ladies or play badminton to reduce some stress and anxiety. Maybe only after that activation I'm in. The late of FEB, probably. I hope I can make it! Yeh Yeh!

Idiot

2010-01-13T11:51:00.003+07:00

I’m so useless and disability.

IF ONLY I had choice, I will give up just now.
Walk away and end the problem is a splendid solution!

This is the first time in my life I feel like one!

I'm definitely an idiot!

2010

2009-12-31T10:45:00.001+07:00

My wishes for you,
Great start for Jan,
Love for Feb,
Peace for March,
No worries for April,
Fun for May,
Joy for June to Nov,
Happiness for Dec,
Have a lucky and wonderful 2010!

---

bds

2009-12-29T08:00:00.001+07:00

Bee has already turned to 2 years old!

and today,

my youngest boy turned to 14 years old!

I was tagged again.

2009-12-25T15:52:00.007+07:00

When I first saw Nathary title, my eyes was about to pop out and I was like, “O.M.G! Are you kidding me?” Because I know after reading her facts, there will be my name she tagged. lolz So here that’s how it done....

1. I’m on my way to be 22 soon. I never accomplished anything, even on education.
2. So I don’t achieve high education. When i got chance to work, i just worked.
3. I soon turn to be 22, but there are many not-yet-grown parts of me should be overcome.
4. People said being the oldest is hard, but I love being oldest and only daughter in family. I like the feeling of responsibility.
5. But I sometimes think I deserve to be the youngest in family, and my both younger brothers should be my older brothers. They’re more thoughtful than me.
6. I promise too much. My brother told me.
7. I love mum, but most of time she worries a lot, talk a lot and care a lot. But that’s I love about her too and I know I’m going to be like her one day.
8. I love dad. I feel sorry for making him work hard to feed us. I should be the one who does this responsibility.
9. If you want to get the list of laziest people, count me in.
10. I can’t stand with smell. Both too-much-perfume smell and bad smell.
11. I don’t like waiting, and I hate myself when I keep s.o waiting.
12. I have many fears. The biggest fear is making any mistake that disappoint people I love.
13. I don’t like being tickled in annoying way.
14. I love chocolate. I love Ice cream. I love dumpling.
15. I don’t like the taste of bitter foods.
16. I prefer the cleanness of tidy room, but I hardly keep mine in tidy.
17. I’m a lousy cook, though I love and enjoy cooking.
18. I’m always interest in something I don’t know. When I know, I might leave it afterward.
19. I love reading. It’s only a good habit of me.
20. I’m clumsy and reckless. It’s a bad habit of me.
21. I always feel lucky to be loved.
22. I have impulsiveness and procrastination habit to work out.
23. I love people and I want them to love me too. But I don’t get hurt if they don’t.
24. “I believe!” is my motto.
25. If I had the chance to start everything again, I would do almost everything differently.
26. I’m such an emotional freak. When I’m happy, I’m extremely happy. When I’m sad, I’m extremely sad.
27. I hate discipline. I do hate. I hate like being told what to do and what not to.
28. But there are times I want to put rules for myself and I want to be told. But not too much or I will be like, “I don’t give a damn!”
29. I used to have big dream of going to Paris and speak French, but now I forget all French. Paris? I don’t think I ever have chance.
30. I also have a passion to become a French teacher and a pharmacist. But dream never come true. I’m always caught up with something I don’t like.
31. I love being in cool place rather than in hot place.
32. I love blanket. I love cool room and sleeping by warming myself with thick and soft blanket. I wish I could afford for air-con one day.
33. I love books. I want to have a small room full of books.
34. I addict to coffee. But I have to reduce it because of health concern.
35. When I distress, I like singing out loud and dancing like crazy alone in room.
36. I start doing thing only at last minute.
37. I never wanted to be born in rich family which my parents can provide me everything. I think it’s not a good way of living. I want to live by my own. Create something out of nothing by my own.
38. I don’t like being with mean people. I’ve had enough of them.
39. I’m bad with financial management.
40. I’m suck with direction.
41. Whenever I’m about to leave somewhere, all I need to spend time to find is KEY.
42. My bag is always full of garbage. I call it garbage bin.
43. I’m not good at holding grudge. But sometimes I do.
44. Since young, I was like a tomboy, but I knitted. And I still love knitting and yarning.
45. There are two secret passions I wish I could make it. First, learn to cook variety of recipes and second, learn to tailor dress. I want to make dress.
46. I fail at remember things. I love the moment when people start telling me like, “You know when you were....”
47. I don’t like talking much, but when I do, I talk a lot.
48. I’m not good at entertaining foreigners. I’m dumb at it.
49. But I like storyteller. I like hearing something new, amazing, sad and all.
50. Talking long hour on phone is not my thing.
51. I was told when they first met me, they said I was such a strut. As in fact, I was always too shy to talk.
52. One thing no one knows is I easily cry. Cry over sappy movies, cry over sad books, cry over little thing that hurt me.
53. Just like Nathary, There are many times, I wish I was dumb and deaf.
54. High-five Nathary, I don’t speak Prada too. lolz
55. When I’m fed up and mess up, I tend to eat a lot especially spicy food or Ice-cream.
56. People love diamonds and gold, but I prefer silver and stone. I wish I could get a set of Amethyst.
57. I love receiving gift, but I’m not good at giving . That's not fair i know. lolz
58. I tend to be too vague and indecisive.
59. I’m not smart enough, but I’m not stupid. Honestly, sometimes I like pretending to be stupid. And it become as a habit.
60. I’m not that flexible.
61. Most of time, I always analyze people I meet. But no more. I try not to analyze any situation or anyone.
62. I have absent-minded.
63. I’m a daydreamer.
64. I often have mood swings, but mostly I hold it inside.
65. I’m not a materialist. But ipod is a must.
66. I found sth about myself which is so annoying is that I barely give a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Mostly my answer is ‘Maybe’.
67. I love music. I love all kind of genres range from oldie to R&B, except Hip-Hop. Life is boring without music.
68. Secretly I like the sound of Billy Currington. So masculine.
69. I used to have this secret in mind since I was young. I wanted to find a man which has the same quality and personality as my uncle. A real man of men.
70. But I don’t mind if I can’t get someone like him. And Grandma warned me, “Don’t ever go for a mean guy! A big no-no!”
71. I quickly get annoyed, easily provoked, and become impatient very quickly.
72. I recently have this question in mind. Do people value each other people by their success, their accomplishment, their wealth, their intelligent, their ranks, their greatness and all?
73. I’m a kind of person who just allows things to happen. I am too proactive at times and at other times, I'm way too inactive. And even if I can't do something, I still feel like I should be.
74. I love lingering in the morning by watching TV while I’m drying my hairs and dressing up. And I’m now so into Cartoon again. Tom and Jerry.
75. I like spending time talking to closest ones and sharing about how our day was going. Those closest persons are my family.
76. I love when the sun goes up but I hate when the sun does down, which is why I barely leave office around 5-6pm.
77. I don’t like being a girl. I wish if I were a boy.
78. I was told I have a bad habit of gawking at attractive girls for too long. Some people used to mistake me as a lesbian.
79. Some people dream a lot. But I don’t. I dream once in a while.
80. When I sleep, I do sleep and Zzzzz till I wake up.
81. When I obsess, I do obsess.
82. When I focus on one thing, I don’t know what’s going on around me or hear a sound of anything.
83. I prefer comfortable clothes. I like Tees and Short or Knee length pants. I don’t care about the big scar on my calf. But mum and grandma don’t like it.
84. Oh but now I tend to love wearing skirt. But only skirt which attached with pants inside. lolz
85. I everyday analyze and learn from people traits and personalities. I learn a lot from certain people. But I have hard time to correct my bad.
86. I don’t have any particular ability. I secretly wish I could paint or play any specific music instrument.
87. I love singing and dancing thought I’m bad at that.
88. Sometimes I know that person somehow across the line. But I pretend to be fine. I know there’s always a certain reason behind. But everyone has their own limit.
89. Sometimes I pretend to be innocent. [High-five Nathary]
90. I’m a good listener. But I don’t prefer to listen to your brag.
91. I hate being the center of attention. But I do not like being left behind either.
92. I don’t like the feeling of being left-out.
93. I more enjoy being alone, but sometimes I need company too.
94. I now don’t drink wine even take a sip, except cocktail. Since I used to drunk once, I swore myself to god not to have any drop of it.
95. I’ve grown up with Buddha principles in mind. So I do believe Buddha.
96. When I was young, Grandma told me to pray and salute the pillow before sleeping. I’ve been practiced that way long after we moved out the old house, I never. But now I start practicing again.
97. There are conservative sides of me. For instance, I don’t interest in being relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend before getting married.
98. But there are times I want to fall in love. I want to feel the feeling of falling in love once in my life.
99. For me, everything is nothing, but nothing is everything.
100. I’m Panharath and these 100 facts are about me. Thank for reading and sorry if this very long facts make your eyes hurt. lolz

I don't know who I should Tag. If I tag Nathary, Jessica and Kelly, they must do another 100 facts again! lolzzz

--

Merry Christmas Y'all!

--

End

2009-12-22T12:17:00.008+07:00

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on around, but I think I don’t let that bother me too much. Just a very short period of time, I let those bewilderments get my head stuck in the clouds. How long will it takes to set me back? I duno.

This year kick off with a great start by giving me such great joys, but it ends up with a very painful experience with a lot of mistakes.

So new year is coming, I’m also one of those who think about New Year resolutions…
The first thing I can think of right now is on my daily basis which is self-improvement.
Isn’t it everyone’s obsession?
And the next thing is learn to keep my mouth shut.
Not to spill a thing. Learn to keep it inside.

Btw, I wish I could make everything up again.
Wish is just a wish.

Oh, what are the places for people to go on Christmas with pals? I want to go somewhere WILD.
And where should I go for family gathering? I’ve had it in mind. I should bring them out once. At least it’s the end of the year and plus, it’s my youngest brother birthday.
Plan is always changed. And I’ll see.

---

I talk to...

2009-12-22T11:49:00.002+07:00

I talked to him, he said “Don’t lose yourself! Don’t lose faith! Don’t lose hope!”
I talked to her, she said "I wanna go back home! I want to have personal time!"
I talked to him, he said "I love her!"
I talked to her, she said “He and me had decided to get married next year!”
I talked to other him, he said “I miss you. When can we go out sometimes?”
I talked to other her, she said “Now I’m single and available.”
I talked to another him, he said “Dud, are you alive?”
I talked to another her, she said “Don’t quit! Be yourself!”
I talked to another him, he said “Where’s your old self?”
I talked to another her, she said “Only you who can decide!”
I talked to another him, he said “You’re less talkative. Or you don’t want to talk at all?”
I talked to another her, she said “Oh shut up! You’re so talkative. Queen of Babble!”

I talked to myself, I said, "DAMN ME!"

--

Hope abides; therefore I abide...

2009-12-19T12:02:00.007+07:00

Source: Pheak

..... Countless frustrations have not cowed me.
I am still alive, vibrant with life.
I believe and still believe that,
the black cloud will disappear,
The morning sun will appear once again
In all its supernal glory.

- Author Unknown

Being in Dec

2009-12-12T15:14:00.017+07:00

All friends and people I love are born in December.
All inspired thought come through my head in December.

Think I have too much update recently. But who cares? I just want to write as I got nothing much to do. So I now try to come up with something to do, which I don’t know now, or maybe a little while later, I will figure out, hopefully.

It’s utterly restless when I don’t have something to keep myself busy, besides reading book and e-book. It’s not an easy feeling when you live your everyday doing nothing like this. That's suck.

But I have plenty of times to have a lot of talk with my family. Isn’t it nice? At home, there’s a load of thoughts pop up in mind and we do talk a lot about career-education-finance and marriage. Oh yes, marriage. It’s such a heat topic in my family forum now. HEAT.

I think I'm so alone after all. I thought I'm not. But no. Not anymore. Or is this just what stirring inside me? I don't know. I don't put this blame to people I care. I think it's all happening inside of me. The within battle.

But I'm really tired of listening to people. I wish I was a deaf. So we don't need to do listening things. And what If I cannot speak at all? So that I don't need to do talking thing. So that I can keep my big mouth shut. Not to spill any secret. Not to talk too much and all. And all I have to do, perhaps, is writing letters. You know, as far as I think, non-verbal communication might does the best job of expressing.

Okay, I guess I need a correspondent now who I can write to and who is good at keeping secrets. lolzz Isn't it nice if we have someone we can write letter back and forth?

Btw, I have number of books I tempt to finish and sure enough I can’t finish by the end of this December. Maybe because they’re mostly E-books. No afford for paper books. lolz. Suck.

Oh, there's two books which are highly recommended which I'm currently reading.

1- Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
2- Secret About Life by Barbara De Angelis

---

Twilight

2009-12-10T13:03:00.016+07:00

Everyone love Twilight. Except me. Not that I don't like, but I haven't yet read.
But several days ago, I was really curious about Twilight.

So I've been doing some search through Google and read the first chapter on the official website, thinking I'm into it now. I've called Nathary to ask her if I can get the books somewhere, but forget it, it costs at least more than $50 for 4 books at Monument book shop. So I do some search again for ebooks, though I don't like the idea of reading with pc or laptop.

But luckily, I got it by accident the link of Twilight saga from a site I forget the link. hehehe... I think I might have to read ebook this time. But still I'm thinking of buying paper books also. Maybe when if I can afford. lolz

Here I share the link to anyone who wants the ebook of Twilight by clicking on these images below.

- Twilight
- New Moon

- Eclipse
- Breaking Dawn

December

2009-12-09T21:00:00.001+07:00

---

Hihihi December!

You know what it comes to my mind knowing it’s December? Yeah, Alvin and The Chipmunks song suddenly pop up in my head, “Christmas Christmas time is near, time for joy and time for cheer!...” Okay, not that I’m into Christmas-thingy nor I’m a Christian, but just I used to have fun on Christmas last two year. And what I know about the true meaning of Christmas is time for LOVE.

Okay, that’s enough about Christmas.

I love December anyway.

Not because it’s great month of all. No. Just that December has constantly been a recovering month, or at least, to put it more correctly, it’s a month of struggling. Like last 2 years, I was in the middle of painful situation and trouble which I had to choose whether to give up or go for it, but then everything is fine when I end it by giving up. The reason? I don’t want to be a burden on someone’s life. I was told, "Don't quit. You have wasted a lot of time and energy for it." But no, I finally chose to quit! And here I am! In middle of other trouble.

I suddenly realized, "Oh well, trouble has no its end!"

Last year, I’ve also learned another inch to become a human being. And this year, yep, I think I’ve grown another inch and figured out a ton of things as well as a lot of mistake I made which I have to look at and correct. Well, at least, isn’t it for the best I can be as a human being, though I don’t like the progress at all. But I honor them anyway.

On top of that, I learn a lot from people. All the negative points I noticed and I try to balance myself not to be like one, while I’m having many to be figured out. It’s not that easy to scan our mistakes or any negative points of ourselves every minute. We can’t be imperfect. We really can’t. But I’m just restless. I just want everything fine. But it’s not as what I thought. Is it wrong to view this world in good way? I was told I’m too much to see this world full of roses. And there’s a voice keep bugging me, “Come on, live in reality, girl! Not in your own world!”

Well, whatever!

So now, I’m utterly inspired by a book, but still haven’t finished yet. A book which help me prepare to lift my spiritual growth. People seek how to develop their power their fame their popularity as I’m seeking to grow my spirit to be happy within myself, to avoid all suffering. Okay, I can’t be like Buddha after all. But at least, to save me from a number of suffering.

Like right now, I’m still in suffering! No, I’m actually recovering. Though I don’t have a chance to clear it up. Though It’s such a mess. But at least, it's not that tense. But I know everything can't be back like it was. A great bond of sisterhood.

Well, whatever! I won't go into the detail.

But I've committed myself to pretend that all is fine. How did I get on? Did everything that wasn't fine, suddenly become fine, just through the strength of pretense? I thought sometimes when we draw a veil over an issue that we would prefer not to look at or think about, we store up trouble for later. Sometimes too, though, we simply save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary worry. If we have been easily able to ignore a situation, the chances are that we are safe to leave it a while longer. If not, we had best look at it again.

Still, there’s something I learn from this situation. Learn to be patient. Learn to pretend. Learn to remain myself. Moreover, Learn from that certain person that I won’t take everything as assumption, I won’t try to analyze someone or any situation, I will still keep the thought that there’s always a certain reason behind everything. Okay, I still keep my positive thought.

So people come to your life to teach you something. And here, a phrase I keep on my mobile display every time:

“What has this person been sent to teach me? What quality am I lacking in this moment that is making me suffer? Patience? Tolerance? Or else? Ok, I don’t have to react. I can remain centered.”

Don't you think it's nice to remember?
It's a good way to keep myself in control. At least, for me.

So..

By the way, Happy Birthday to J.Nha

To an old woman who is such a dear sister to me. lolz
To her who barely talk her heart out, but I see her wear her heart upon her sleeve.
To her who I rarely have time for her, and her who doesn't even have time for me, but we run to each other when we have trouble.
To her who has a really good heart for everyone.
To her whom we have such memory together.

To her who I love.

All well-wishing go to you J.Nha. Hope your dream are fulfilled. But don't forget me or you will die!

Storm one minute but blue sky's the next.

2009-12-05T14:33:00.004+07:00

Several days ago, I was tense, I was worried, I was stress, I was afraid I might have another big storm big clash again. If it had ever happened once again, I might be a dead meat right now, but thank God, we could make it in the end.
Well, that’s the day of a storm one minute but blue sky's the next.

So here some pictures of the team for a launching party. Ok, I have to say thank to Danny who helps me with the speech and program flow at last minute.

That’s the day of Bong Mab’s birthday. Our December guy.
Bong Ny and I got a jean for him. So sad that we don’t have birthday cake for him from Daily Shop in InterCon as we planned. Why? Because we had no time to go down and buy one. But no, the major reason is we run out of money. lolz

So...
Happy Birthday to Bong Mab.

To him who is calm as a lake.
To him who is good at putting up with things.
To him who is an understanding one.
To him who I hardly believe he’s that easy and comfortable one ever exist in this world.
To him, for the best and worst, I can be opened to.
To him, who is a trustful one.
To him who I much consider as a brother as well as a sister.
Oh we can be twin if he had a lighter complexion. lolzz

Okay, He’s the best.
And all the best wishes to him.

back for blog

2009-11-28T13:10:00.020+07:00

Think I don't have much update for two months. And now here I am, sitting and think about writing this and that again. I like to think that writing blog is like talking to an old friend. Alright, that's it.

So..... Now I'm back to home. My comfort zone. My place where I can sleep like forever. Here, this morning, I woke up, but not got up and just keep rolling back and forth on bed with top list of old music from my ipod, thinking about nothing but singing. Knowing it’s Saturday, I didn’t want to get up at all. Regardless, I felt like crying again, thinking about what had happened. Those confusing things.

I have kept asking myself, “Oh snap! Why is this happening to me? It doesn’t make sense at all! I HATE THIS” But well, I’ve chosen to make decision about where I stand on the issue, right from the start. I've chosen to do what Dad told me which is what I’ve been thinking it’s the best yet reasonable decision. I think If people or maybe life doesn’t make sense, I should try to make it sense.

I used to read a book of Barbara De Angelis which I forget the title, which, as far as I can gather, has been said, “You have to let go of something to attract something new!” And I’ve tried to let go of what I’m holding. I've stepped from the world of me, hope for better in one way or another. And yeah, I was so excited and happy about the opportunity the universe had given me, but I was pretty sure, shit will be happen. Just like what I recalled in the book, “When things are too comfortable for you and make you happy in the moment, sooner or later, things will be stirred up! And whether you decide to be surrender or resist with it, it’s your decision. ti’s what called LIFE! Challenge with it!” And well, the next thing I know, It's stirring me up. IT’S HAPPENING! And It’s a lot more than worst.

Okay, whatever, like I said above, I’ve chosen the place to stand on this issue. I can’t just think about anything right now. I can't think about starting school, because of finance crisis. I can’t just think about the relationship which I have to decide whether I should give it a chance or not. I have no focus at this NOW moment. I need more time. Being in a relationship is more than just, "Well, let's go out. let's hang out. let's this and that." No. At least, for me. It's much more than spending time together. It's more like understand, be opened, know and accept the best and wost of each other. It's more like you want to run to him when you're in trouble just like when you run to your parent. It's more like you know you have somebody to share your story and your daily life with. It's more like he will listen to you and sometimes he doesn't need to give you advice or anything when shit happen to you. Oh well!

Well, that’s how it's done. That's how I'm still single. Hahahaha

Anyway, it’s a better-than-worst day. I could feel right from the time I slept last night. I start enjoying my books again every night. like, I’ve done with “Norwegian Wood” by Haruki Murakami and now I’m on, “For One More Day” by Mitch Albom which Nathary lend it to me for months already. Hahahahahhaha Now I think about having evening out some days with Nathary again. I'll make time for it. Try to be content and enjoy life rather than just focus on that thing.

So today, right now I’m in office, and planning to go for a nice walk at Stadium to catch some fresh air this evening.

I only hope for things to be started looking up from next month. Really look forward to know what life has in store for me.

DON'T

2009-11-24T18:01:00.007+07:00

The most important thing is not to let yourself get impatient. This is the only advice for you: DON’T GET IMPATIENT. Even if things are so tangled up, you can’t do anything, don’t get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it’s ready to come undone. You have to realize it’s going to be a long process and that you’ll work on things slowly, one at a time.

Do you think you can do that?

Norwegian wood by Haruki Murakami

My answer: I'll TRY!

"Did you just cry?" mum asked, "huh? no way!" I said

2009-11-23T17:23:00.005+07:00

I wish I could say "YES!"

Yes because I want to explain.
Yes because I don’t want to live in this hard feeling.
Yes because I just want to release.
Yes because I just want to escape.
Yes because I want to clear the air.
Yes because I want to be back home.

I’ve been spending my weekend at home and sleep, sleep and sleep. So that everyone won’t ask me how’s thing going, about this and that. So that I don’t spill thing out. So that I won’t become a queen of babble. So that things won't go worst than it is.

But now I’m here to face another worst day. How long will it takes?
It's a really hard feeling.
It’s just so hurtful.
I hate dealing with it.

I’ve been talking to my love ones and they said, “Dear, come back home! We’d rather having you here!” and after I hear it, all I want to do is cry, cry and cry.

I just realized that I’m such a cry baby.

And I can't believe I’ve cried for her for many times already.
She makes me high and she’s also the one who makes me low, very low.

I just don't know why she likes taking everything as assumption?

But I learn one thing for it.

Sometimes we don't need to try fixing things, we won't know how worst it's gonna turn out.

my plates, my life.

2009-11-09T21:10:00.016+07:00

Trip to Malaysia was canceled. It's a little bit sad, but I can save a lot of money for mum. I went home today and stayed there for almost a day. I felt so great, I can say!

And, here is what I just figured out.

Sometimes, life feels like a slow, painful trek through a field of mud. Sometimes, it's a merry dance through a meadow of flowers on a warm spring day. What makes the difference? It's not money, as many a miserable millionaire will testify. It's not love, that's sometimes subject to stress. It's the existence of hope that makes us want to celebrate... and the apparent absence of it that creates despair.

Pheak's camera Canon 40D.

One more thing which give me stress and strain is the sake of happiness.

I've been trying so hard on emotion part. And I'm tired. I feel like I'm not me at all! Because I thought I should change my life. I believed I could let go of something in order to get something new. So that I can make this life grows. But It's definitely unpleasant. And I know this is how life grows. To go through all pain endurance.

BUT, the pain I'm talking here is about missing every elements of my life.

I miss long talk about my days with mum and dad every evening when I get home. hanging out and sharing laugh with friends. riding motorbike in breezy evening with bong Ny and J.Nha. having lunch and evening out with B gang. listening to musics and reading favorite books till mid night. Having fun with bong bong at lunch and night out. Weekend of visiting uncle's home.... etc

I realized that what I'm doing the most is focusing on only one thing and forget about other things in life. Today, I just noticed that a lot of birthdays passed and I missed a lot of it. my friend's birthdays and my friend's graduations.

Isn't it elements of life we should balance and we don't want a single of them drop out like many plates we try to hold it all at once?

I definitely don't want to live alone in this world alone and leave everyone behind like this. I don't want to focus on nothing at all like this. It's unpleasant.

However, I've decided to go away from my comfort zone.
But the thing is I should learn to balance it! I don't want to drop out many plates while I'm trying to hold one. I must figure out how to maintain my life and put all my plates in order!

Okay, what I really want to whine here is I don't see I grow an inch of what I'm trying to do and... I just miss everyone.

10 principles

2009-11-04T21:22:00.016+07:00

1- Everything you need to be happy is inside of you.
2- The purpose of life is for you to grow into the best human being you can be.
3- Change is inevitable, so stop resisting and surrender to life's flow.
4- All obstacles are lessons in disguise-honor them and learn from them.
5- Your mind creates your experience of reality, so make your mind your friend.
6- Fear will steal your aliveness-make your courage bigger than your fear.
7- You must love yourself before you can truly give love or receive love from anyone else.
8- All relationships are your mirrors and all people are your teachers.
9- True freedom comes from how you respond to life and not what life does to you.
10- Whatever the question, love is the answer.

Secrets about life every woman should know
By: Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.

-----

When you read these 10 principals, you might be not really into it, unless you read the whole points described in this book. While you're reading it, you will think, "Oh! That's exactly me!"

Okay, it's definitely not a self-help, but it's about experience and lessons in her life and everyone's life.

I'm now on Secret # 2. It's been a hell of weeks to finish this number 2. Not because it's a very thick book, but I can read only a page per day.

And one sentence that I think it's an inspiring message is:
"Because I make a mistake doesn't meant I AM a mistake!"

Don't you think it's a wonderful phrase to remember?

Sometimes, do you have to live your life by chaining up yourself with too much questions and worries?

2009-10-21T22:56:00.009+07:00

Questions which begin with 'how', 'where,' or 'when,' are comparatively easy to answer.Those that start with ‘why’ tends to be trickier. For every 'because' there's a 'but.' Usually, too, if you go down this road of inquiry, you find it soon leads to yet another, even bigger 'why?' Like it or not, you now have to scrutinize a bunch of reasons and 'justifications' that you normally allow yourself the luxury of taking for granted. Instead of asking 'why,' try restricting yourself to the slightly less impossible, 'why not?'

And, this is the only word I keep reminding myself.

Well, why not?

I really can't see why, but I try 'giving my all' to the journey rather than holding back and being half-hearted and try putting up with everything and ready to make mistake to be better!

Because I believe as soon as I set off properly, I'll see a dramatic improvement in the scenery. And I'll also be delighted to leave all those 'ifs', 'buts' and 'maybes' so far behind.

And I know it must take long time!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

You know you will know

2009-10-07T00:11:00.001+07:00

I'm writing this as I'm waiting to take a long bath after my cousin done. We've been cleaning the house for the whole evening and this time we've done with almost every room even our bedroom.

I have to admit that I've never done before. And I think of mum and grandma when I was cleaning up and doing those house chore. You know when I was doing, I think of the way they always do. I was silently amazed and realized how I feel about them. It's like I'm them. I'm growing just like them. And I'm so happy that I'm slowly growing to be them.

When I cleaned the floor, I pictured when I was little, mum, grandma, sister, brothers and I were cleaning our house together. We was actually not be helpful to mum and grandma at all. We just played, like skiing with bubble and chairs. Mum and grandma told us that when we clean, we have to clean it properly. We have to clean the edge of each brick, so that there's no rusting dirt filling up.

When I cleaned the bathroom, I pictured the way they did when I was little. It's when mum and grandma taught me how to sit on the lavatory to poo-poo (teeheee). They had to watch over and told me how to hold and all the jazz. While I was doing the loo, they always clean and scrubbed and polished every edge of stuffs in bathroom and they started to tell me how to clean it again. I didn't really pay attention to what they said, but I just watched and I was like, "Oh yes!" and they said, "Well, you know you will know when you grow up!".

But when I was in high school, I never did any house chore, even washing my own plate. And mum and grandma was worried about how I will become a lady without knowing a thing about doing house chore. And I didn't care. They kept up on me about this thing and I was like, "Well, believe me I'm only like this when I'm with you! When I'm away, I can do everything by my own" and they said, "Really? you know it's called a habit. A bad habit and a bad habit can get better than rule!" And I was like, "No. I believe my bad habit can't always get the better of me! In some degree! hehe!"

Now, I really can do a bit better. I know mum and grandma will be happy if they know I put my effort to do house chore and cook and of course I enjoy doing it. It's like when I'm on my own, I can be more better than I was with what a lady should do.

What I always remember is when mum and grandma always say, "You know you will know when you grow up!"

And I miss them so much now.

In the hope to meet, shortly again, and make our absence sweet.

2009-09-29T17:00:00.010+07:00

I've never visited home for more than a week, I guess. Pa often pays me visit for, like, 3 times already. I love whenever he's about to leave, he always tap my head and said 'I'm going, so take care yourself'. That's so sweet of him.

And Mum called the other day, the day I sent her my food, Jab Chhay, I first made with my cousin via my brother. She said it's nice though it's a little bit salty and she asked me to describe how I made it. And I know she's happy and I'm sure Mum, Dad and Grandma will eat all my Jab Chhay. And I'm more pretty sure that we'll talk about it again when I visit home.

Talk about home, when I work, do some tiny house chores and cook, I always think of mum. I just realized how hard it is to be a mum. What I do everyday is nothing compare to what she does everyday.

You know when you cook and wait for your favorite people to come and expect them to eat and say, 'Ummmm it's nice. I love it!'. Just like I picture when Mum cooks and expect us to come home early and admire the foods she cooks. It's such a depress when the foods we put our effort to make is nothing to your beloved people.

You know when you do all the house works and think of her. You know it. You feel it. It's not that easy for being a Mum.

But, after all, whenever I'm near her, I become her very lazy and messy daughter again. I can't never be on my own having her with me. I hate myself for this point, utterly.

Anyway,

There are impossible things I really want.
1- Finish the books I'm reading. But it's impossible.
2- I want to have another novel, Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding.
3- I want this POGO instant digital camera.

And I don't know how to get it.

Hell Yeah Holiday

2009-09-22T14:31:00.008+07:00

I'm now a homesick. Really homesick. I wanna stay in Pa and Mom room and talk talk talk. I wanna lie in my bed reading my book every night. I wanna to mess up and clean my tiny room.

I wanna feel my home.

At least, I went home and went to pagodas and went to visit my uncle's home during Pchum Ben.

Dad again called a moment ago. He asked if I can go home this evening. I've been talking to him for minutes and I feel like I'm away from him for months.

I recalled about the other day that I went home to bring some more clothes and when I just got there, Dad; Mum; Grandma and my both brothers run to the door to see me as though I've been away from home to other country for month, in fact, I've just never slept at home for 3 days. Then I stayed home for 1-2 hours after I packed my stuffs. Dad asked, "Why don't you sleep here tonight?" I said, "No, I can't. Ehehehe do you miss me?" I raised my eyebrows and stretch a smile and mum & dad laughed.

Taken along Tonle Bet during Pchum Ben day with Dad

Again, today he asked if I can go home as in fact I've just been away since the last day of Holiday. We've just been spending couple days during Pchum Ben.
- Dad: "How are you?"
- Me: "I'm okay! Just feel headache cuz I slept around 3am last night and have not yet had lunch! We've just done. Now Jeje is on meeting!"
- Dad: "Why you guys sleep late?"
- Me: "Oh I helped JeJe to do her Consumer insight since yesterday!"
- Dad: "Then how's your eyes? Come and eat at home this evening!"
- Me: "Oh it's okay. We have a lot of works to do!"
- Dad: "Let's go to doctor tomorrow!"
- Me: "No, I'm fine here."
- Dad: "Go go. And you come home tomorrow Okay?"
- Me: "Okay, let's see."
- Dad: "Okay, take care then." [Speak in English]
- Me: "Hehehehehe you miss me?"

---
And that's a very very and very good end of today!

Grateful

2009-09-15T17:01:00.004+07:00

There are times I feel so, so and so grateful.

You have gone all up high just because all the hidden compliments you got for being who you are, for being what you are, for having your own sense of ability, especially from old people.

You're looking for more... to learn more, to try more, to live more, to build more confidence, to be more humble, to be more responsible.

There are people who look up to you and there are people who you look up to.

Unconfident, Uncertain, Fear and Let it go.

2009-09-15T14:29:00.010+07:00

It’s been another same old same old week.

Take a quick run on and off.
On and Off.
On and Off.
Like crazy.
Sleepy and LAZY and Tired. Mostly Lazy.

I wonder how our hectic months to come will be.
More Tired, Sleepy and LAZY?
I'm not gonna care about it.

I recently don’t really think much about future like I always do, but past. Mostly about people I don’t want to lose, but lost. Anyone who comes to my life. That's all because I always let it goes this way. And that become as a habit.

I think my mind is really complicated and I made things more complicated. I feel sorry, but there’s no other way I can do. Because of Fear and I let it go. I know I always turn away from something I want. I hate when I feel uncertain about something, when I fear about something, when I feel insecure about something, when my head and my heart are on fight.

I don't know why I always refuse to go for it, refuse to see it with heart, refuse to acknowledge different angles in this respect. Suffice to say that I'm not confident enough. My thoughts always take a heavy turn and I know I only see a part of the picture.

I can't stop considering this complex problem, recently, to be exact. I'm trying to sort out my beliefs and feelings from rational answers, but I'm finding myself more confused the longer I sort it out. I'm always somewhat biased here. So try getting another opinion before I make a move I will regret. And I know that there's no point in my trying to be, for example, such a rational scientist when at heart I'm really passionate artist.

Okay, now breath and let it go.
Back to think about career path.
Shake all the hyper-thought away.
Breath hard.
Breath harder. Harder. HARDER.

I'm not gonna think about it again.
I'm not gonna sort it out again.
--until l I have to.

After a storm comes a calm

2009-09-03T18:15:00.009+07:00

I learn to trust my intuition now. It's so true somehow. The storm is past and I see the joy and happiness between them. It's been a very hard time.

I've been learning a lot lately. I get all the pictures and I learn things from it. I learn to balance my thought. I want to be able to carry myself very well while I'm growing. It's not that easy.

Taken at Belami by Bong Mab's Camera. Canon D50

I think I look funny in this bang which I cut by myself. Haha. Cannot help since I'm so broke and don't even have enough money to go to salon. Sooo thing's gone worse when I was a bit lost by cutting my fore hair too short. Sooo okay, go for a bang then. After getting this month salary, I might go to salon to trim it proper.

Taken at Belami by Bong Mab's Camera. Canon D50

So here I love what I'm doing lately and recently. It's my pre-baby steps. Though I barely have time to stay home, esp since Pa was back. I have not yet had time to sit and have a long talk with him. I have not yet listened to the story he would tell us over lunch, dinner or when we all gather and sleep next to each other. How I love and miss this moment.

But first thing first, I want to do well in what I commit myself to do in my career path. I'm too concern about it more than everything. Some of my people might know that I want to be able to support my family in next, at least, 2 years.

You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"

2009-08-25T17:42:00.015+07:00

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the dreams, wishes and future.
ones which came true,
ones which I let go,
ones which I’m waiting for,
ones which have dissolved,
ones which came out unexpectedly and differently
and ones which I’ve never imagined, but I gave up, and I didn't want to give up.

I've currently been thinking about one, and seem to be overloaded with new ideas, decisions and many things, but much to the dismay. However, I'm impatient to get started on all those things I've got lined up, but I think for best results, I must be selective.

I now think big, aim high, be the best., which I never did, which is the most I'm afraid of.
But I want what best for the long-run.

So I suddenly decided to move, to go for it, no matter what. I decided I will focus on one coming along. I don't want to give up like I ever did. I don't want to let the fear goes better of me. I know my direction now and I hope it won't be dissolved. Again.

More importantly, I'm ready to get on my feet to fall into a work-work-work mode in coming months, which is what I desperately expect and fear at the same time.

Here I am, taking my baby steps.